Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can't sleep...

Dear friends,

Let me start by saying that I had a wonderful day with some of the loveliest women I know.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to attend and this morning I didn't necessarily feel that great, but I wanted to go, I needed to go and so my trusty friend Becky drove us there and I rested at times, chatted at times, helped at times, even ate at times.  By the end I felt good and that was good.  I love my card ladies!



Rest of the afternoon went fine, and then of course dinner time came and I thought I could manage a meal.  I did for a while, but I really wanted to get a little practice time with the dirt bike so I made the decision to expend the energy and do it, trust me I need it.  I honestly don't know and can't tell until it's too late, how much is too much. Well, when I came in things went down hill from there.

I came into the bedroom to lie down and then that always brings a host of emotions out for me.  It's a weird place to be always in bed and I always feel so isolated from the rest of the family.  It's like they are living their lives and I'm just listening from afar.  It's not like they are on some super adventure, they are usually out there doing the mundane, but it's the fact that I can hear their voices talking laughing, asking questions, just doing.  Clearly, I don't want them all in here with me... oh I don't know... am I making sense?  Either way what happens when I start "thinking"?  Here I come blog... I actually long handed most of my thoughts first and then grabbed the laptop after.

So, I 'm laying here trying to sleep and what comes into my head except the label "side show bulimic".  Immediately I think about all the people that I would offend by my off beat terminology especially when I know that bulimia is a serious illness, but since we know what the action that is necessarily for bulimia is already, I wonder about the long term effects. How long will it take?  What are the long and longer results?  I ask, but there aren't any real answers out there.  Most importantly, I want to keep my teeth.

Then I think of all the Holocaust survivors, the POW survivors, the survivors of so many heinous human acts against other humans.  It gets me that humans can do these types of things to each other, but how weird that what is happening to me is something that in a way my body is doing this to me.... why?  But, the key word here are survivors.  I observe, make note of, and try to truly understand what is going on with my body and I know that it's not the worst and that others have endured more, yet I still worry and wonder if MY body will recover and how things will manifest themselves in the future.  I worry and am hopeful at the same time and these are such diverse emotions and they pull at me - sad, happy, hopeful, despondent, angered, deceived... all these emotions that can be felt at the same time seem like too much, a catalyst churning, but to what? I wish I knew all the answers and then maybe I could sleep.  I bet we could all sleep if we knew the answers.

Ok, now, I'm off the chart out of it!

Until next time.

-Katie

12 comments:

Gina said...

Well you never fail to amaze me Katie! You start of feeling sorry for yourself and immediately turn it into compassion for others. You are the stuff survivors are made of. If we lost our compassion for others, would we survive as a species? All those heightened emotions your feeling are your proof that your body is fighting to survive! Hang in there girl, your doing brilliantly :D XXX

Joan B said...

Oh Katie, what a pill you've been handed. I am so glad you were able to push yourself to go to the girlfriend get together and the dirt bike. a little reprieve helps, at least I hope it does.

You paint such a vivid portrait of laying in bed listening to your family. What a moment.

July should be much better! You deserve it.

Whimcees said...

Hello Katie!

I am so happy that you were able to spend time with your friends! What a lovely group of women!

Everything you experience - your emotions, your thoughts - all so understandable. Because of the physical effects you must endure on a daily basis and the isolation of illness - you are aware that even with loving family this battle is one you must make alone.

You are such a fighter Katie - you meet everything head on and forge ahead. You are so brave yet not afraid to be afraid. Stay strong Katie - you will win this battle!

I wish I could send you magic wishes to make it all ok. I pray for you every day.

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

~amy~ said...

Oh Katie...stay strong....your writing is amazing...thanks for letting us be a part of your journey....

Susan said...

Oh, dear Katie! I just want to wrap you up in a motherly hug and hold you and stroke your head and tell you that you are loved and that all of your crazy feelings are normal. A friend of mine sent me this message:
"Promise me you'll always remember...
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."
~ Christopher Robin to Pooh

Candy F. said...

Love you girl and am proud of the fight that you are fighting. You never give up and that always amazes me. You are an inspiration to so many (including me). So get some rest, get some energy, and go create some beautiful things!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you were able to spend some crafty time with friends. I have a group of ladies that I stamp with on Wednesday evenings. It's always a healing time for me where I can put aside the craziness of the week and just have fun. My friends, as I'm sure yours are, are a source of love, fun and happiness. I'm glad you were able to be there for your friends to wrap you in their caring spirits. I just wish I could do the same!
xoxoxox,
Donna McE

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

It's nice to finally get a glimpse of the "Card Ladies". I've heard so much about them over few short years that I've known you.

Thank you for expressing your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had the answers that would forever put everything in place. I do have a savior that gives me through it all. He led me to you way back when and I'm glad we are friends.

Big HUGS girlie!
:-)

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

It's nice to finally get a glimpse of the "Card Ladies". I've heard so much about them over few short years that I've known you.

Thank you for expressing your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had the answers that would forever put everything in place. I do have a savior that gives me through it all. He led me to you way back when and I'm glad we are friends.

Big HUGS girlie!
:-)

Anita said...

Kate, I read your entries each time and they give me courage and to know that I don't have it that bad. I have my own personal health challenges and have days when I hate my bed too because life is going on around me. Hang there and hugs!

Linda said...

Hi Katie. Honestly I am so afraid to write anything.. everything I try to say seems so petty, your writing and thinking is growing every blog!
Can I tell you how angry I am that you, that people, suffer?? That this world does contain such evil as you mentioned?
but when you focus on those survivors, the one observation that I see is that, like the Bible says, they come thru like pure gold. Survivors have been, for the most part, refined and better then before. I see that in you.. the survivor.. and I admire your courage and your heart.
Sorry so long, but I hear your heart, and I pray.

Theresa Momber said...

Sending hugs and prayers, Katie.

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