I'm writing (last) tonight because I'm in a "mood". Earlier, I was browsing old photos and I have a love/hate relationship while I'm looking at them. I love looking at my children and Kevin and on the one hand I enjoy seeing myself, but the hate part is that I miss the old "me". I miss those times past and I find looking at them so terribly bittersweet to the point that it almost hurts.
I know we've had this disucssin before in regards to looking forward, but I try very hard to stay in the "moment" or in the immediate future. Sometimes, all these moments seem to slip away. Each Wednesday evening before chemo I always get emotional because I know the short term end is coming my way. There is nothing I can do to stop it and I know that I will disappear for a little while and it makes me sad. I know I will come back, but what can I say... it still plays with the 'ole psyche.
So many people tell me to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time to add up. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked and without my hearing it. But thankfully life is made up of so many moments that add up to hours that add up to days that add up to months and years. I'm thankful that in the big picture there are so many other moments to seize and remember.
Ironically though, in the same breath that I say these days add up slowly, I utter in amazement at how quickly time does pass us by. Tomorrow is the last day of school and I know that the summer will pass by quickly especially with the blessing of my chemo free month of July. I can't wait, but soon enough the kids will be in school and as the little ones keep saying, I'll be lonely all by myself. More crazy yin/yang moments. I'm literally thrilled at the idea of full day kindergarten for the boys. I love the idea that they will have a regular schedule and that they will be productive. I have felt so much guilt with all their tv and computer time. Plus, I will have the opportunity to freely schedule my appointments and try and add other ways to cope with this illness without feeling the anxiety of finding care for them. But, ack... my babies going to kindergarten. I'm very glad that they are terribly, terribly excited to start though.
Time is indeed a crazy thing, I've already considered the fact that next month is the hump before I start counting down to my one year anniversary for my diagnosis. ONE year. Did you realize that the average statistic for those with my diagnosis is 11 months? What an odd number to have as a statistic, why not just even it up to ONE year? I find it interesting. Before you tell me to stop being melancholy, don't worry. Most of those statistics are based on a) late diagnosis, which I fall into, but b) is where I'm doing ok. I'm responding to treatment and many that don't make it just don't respond to treatment. Trust me I'll be around for you to read whatever comes into my head!
PS... I wanted to let those of you that have mentioned it and pushed me a bit (yes you Mom) that I had my first acupuncture session today. It went well and I liked my acupuncturist a lot. I will definitely let you know how my sessions progress and if it helps me find some relief from my extreme nausea. It did not hurt, but yes I did feel the needles when they were inserted, but it was extremely brief and once they were in - nothing.
And since we are on the topic of life, I have this very sweet baby card to share with you. I finally inked up a long neglected uninked set. I went with a girl theme this time around.
I wish you all a happy day!
Until next time.
-Katie
