Sunday, January 2, 2011

Homecoming

Good morning my friends,  I am hoping that I'm over the chemo hump.  Yesterday was a very rough day for nausea.  It was impossible to keep anything down, but it was tempered with my release from the hospital.  Coming home was bittersweet and not what I had imagined at all to be honest.

I've had 2 hospital stays both because of the birth of my babies... happy occasions.  Obviously, this stay was much different.  Kevin and I got all our things ready to go and we were just waiting for the nurse to de-access my port (for the chemo) and to sign the papers.  Then we walked hand in hand out of the hospital.

I got into the truck and sat there and started to cry.  I felt like I was not the same person anymore and I wasn't sure who I was.  I just knew that I wasn't the same as when I had entered.  I have never had any procedures done before and for some reason the port that they had put into my collar bone seemed to throb even more than normal.  The purpose of the port is a good one and means that I won't have to have needles for blood draws or the chemo.  It is safer and easier, but it was still foreign and I felt like I had been invaded with something that I didn't want or ask for.

We don't live very far from the hospital so it didn't take long to get home.  Walking into the house was surreal.  I was glad to be there, but I felt like I was a stranger visiting my own home... it felt foreign and strange.  I had been in the hospital for 8 days, but life kept of rolling and ticking for everyone in the house. The boys came to give me a hug and asked how I was and then sat back on the couch just like normal.  I wandered around the house for a bit and then went and laid down on the bed.  I started to cry again...

I moved from the couch to the bed and milled around for a bit.  As I settled in things started to smooth out and I got more comfortable by the minute.  It was good to be home.  We were all together again.

Until next time....

-Katie

51 comments:

Ryann Salamon said...

I'm so glad to hear you are home, Katie. I can only imagine how comforting it is (even not at first) to be surrounded by the familiar. Bigs hugs to you :)

Cassie said...

Oh, Katie, I cry for you all the time (not that you need to hear that), but I cry out to God for you too. I can't even begin to imagine what this is all like for you, but I love you even more for your courage and I pray for that courage for you every day. God never wastes a hurt, and I pray that you will daily have strength in Him and His promises. I'm so glad you are home and that you are all together. Love to you, my friend :)

Emily Painter-Davis said...

Katie,
I can't imagine it and yet, I try to put myself in your shoes. I think you are handling it so much better than I would. But I've always been a little emotionally idiotic. lol
I love that you are sharing it and I love that you are home. I hope and pray that you get some relief from the nausea and you continue to settle in and enjoy your boys/hubby!
Blessings...
Em

Christi said...

Happy you are home, Katie. I hope you get back to feeling like yourself, even if yourself is a little bit different. Let me tell you something ... there is no better prayer warrior out there than Cassie. I am grateful you have her praying for you.

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

You are loved Katie Girl. Don't ever forget it.

:-)

Joan B said...

Your writing is amazing. There is nothing you can feel under this situation that is a mistake.

Cry, scream, smile, rest and feel everyone's support and love. Hugs, Joan

Novice Naturalist said...

I am so glad you are home and that you have a loving supporting family there. The honesty to yourself and in your writing is inspiring. I hope your day is more comfortable and that your nausea abates. Heart hugs to you and yours

Linda Borneman said...

Katie, I'm so happy to hear that you came home today. I must say that reading about your journey, step-by-step has been so moving to me and I really think you have have a gift of expression...maybe a writing stint? Your documentation has made it very real to me and I just sit back and think, "Wow...Katie is one amazing woman!". The way you're approaching this and all the feelings and tears that are flowing throughout your days and nights are all very normal, I would think, under your circumstances...but your writing resonates as I read each account of your struggle. But know, Katie, that God is the GREAT PHYSICIAN and if you are a child of God, He hears the cries of His children. And! This child is crying out for you...daily! We're here for you Katie whenever you need to unload or cry...or rejoice! We're here for you...I know that God has a plan for you. Hugs & Love!

isu.alum said...

Continuing to think of you and your family Katie. Love and inky hugs to you...Stay strong...Fight on!

Kerry

Karen B said...

Katie, I am happy that you are home. What you are describing are very normal feelings, and as others have said--anything that you feel is fine, because they are your feelings. I hope that you feel strong and sleep well, I hope the nausea is not bad. Most of all I hope that you and your family have a good day and a pleasant evening. You all are my thoughts and prayers.

Wanda said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers too. My neice has been fighting carcinoid tumor syndrom. Hang in there and when things get too heavyfor you, lean on some of us at Splitcoast or on the shoulder of God.

Robin D said...

Katie,

I hope that being back in the routine of home will bring you comfort, the joy of time with your boys, and rest. I have also been through chemo. It is a roller coaster ride, physically and emotionally. The tears are a way of washing away the stress of trying to be strong and coping. Some of the drugs used to help with side effects also affect your emotions. Love surrounds you, through your friends, family and faith. It will help you on this journey, Hugs and prayers,

Kelly S. said...

I feel overwhelmed when I read each of your posts, and I am only a blog-reading fan from far away. So I can't even imagine how overwhelming it must be for all of you. Keep fighting your good fight, Katie! Your honest posts are still full of light and hope underneath all of the other scary stuff. You continue to inspire all of us!

Anonymous said...

Katie, I am soooo glad to hear that you are feeling bettebetter today. Your journey is our journey and you are touching the lives of so many. I don't take so much for granted these days. Enjoy your boys and Kevin - they will give you comfort and strength.

Dawn B. said...

Katie,
I am so happy that you are home.. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are dealing with right now but know that you have so many that love and support you. I will continue to pray for you and hope that this helps you on your journey...Hugs and prayers.

IamDerby said...

Its ok to cry. Feelings just are. I am glad you are home and I hope you are feeling a bit better. Big hugs.

Sherri Thacker said...

We are all here for you Katie and we will fight right along with you. I learned of your horrible cancer through Splitcoast and I'm keeping up with your daily posts. Feel free to vent, cry, do whatever you have to do, that's what we are all here for!! I wish I lived closer to give you a great big hug in person! Sherri in NC

Julia Aston said...

So glad you are home Katie! And it's actually great that the boys are nonchalant about your return - it means they are dealing with your being sick at their level and if you're home life is a little normal again for them.

As you said, and I can see how it can be true, you don't know who you are at the moment and that is unsettling - but you most certainly are YOU and you will adjust to these things.

I prayed for you out loud in church this morning Katie...

with hugs and prayers

Sue Ann said...

Sending hugs thoughts and prayers to you. I am happy that you are home ..... and I so hope that you have a normal day soon!! You are so inspiring. Stay strong and keep up the fight young lady!!!

Candy F. said...

Awww Katie -- It is good to cry, get mad, yell, and do whatever you need to do to help you get through this journey you are on. Your blogging is so powerful and you never know how many people your words will touch and help as they read about what you are going through and how you are dealing with it. I'm so proud of your strength and perserverance. Love you much.

Tricia said...

Tears are such a blessing, aren't they? I'm sure that they'll be a friend that will help you cope with this great exertion of body and spirit that is being required of you as you find your "new normal". Thank you so much for taking us on this journey with you. You are such an encouragement to me. I'm praying for you!!

DollZandThingZ said...

Loving thoughts and prayers are sent your way. It is good you are home...and I wish the best for you and yours.

Chef Mama Lori said...

Dearest Katie, I am so glad you are home, but my heart aches with you and tears fill my eyes as I read of you crying. Praying for you, along with so many others, for grace day by day. Hugs!

ReneeK said...

Oh, how I remember those emotions. I swear the chemo does something to make you cry...I cried a lot while on treatment. Hang in there - and cry when you need to, but don't forget to laugh either. We're all here for you, praying, sending happy thoughts, just listening.

daria wilber, a prairie paper girl said...

Dear Katie,

This is my first visit to your blog and I wish I had happened by before your life turned upside down.

Stay strong and absorb the love and support of those who offer it to you; your friends, family, your blog pals, everyone around you.

Treatment will be difficult, yes, but if you are in pain or uncomforatble, if you are depressed or anxious let your team know. If you have complimentary therapies to your chemo available such as Reiki, consider them. If you and your husband have questions, ask them, if you don't get an answer, ask someone else.

My medical team, family and friends and their support have been invaluable to me since my diagnosis of laryngeal cancer a few years ago. I have been cancer free for 2 years. My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always.

daria (girona on Splitcoast)

Jennie said...

Katie...I would imagine there are so many emotions at various times. Take it one step at a time and know that many are praying for you...That He would lead and guide you in the days ahead as well as for your medical team.

Tammy Hershberger said...

Katie, I don't "know" you but heard about your ordeal, and have read your posts so far to catch up. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you! God bless!

Sue from Oregon said...

Katiebug

I read this poem on Nightstampers blog today. I think you might like it.
Hugs to you.

JUST BREATHE

J -ust when you thought
U- have everything under control
S-omething happens unexpectedly,
T-ake a moment and just

B-reathe
R-elax,
E-verything will take its course
A-nd in due time. Be
T-hankful that HE will guide your path
E-veryday.

Dinahsoar said...

When I was told I had cancer I only wanted to hear success stories. I'd think "maybe that can be me too".

So here's one for you.

I'm acquainted with a woman who had stomach cancer in her mid to late 20's. Back then--in the 1980's-- all they had for treatment was surgery. She recovered from surgery and was fine for 19 years. Then they found it had metastasized to her liver.

That was almost 9 years ago. She is still alive and doing well last time I checked.

Cricket said...

Katie, I am in awe of your strength. God Bless you and keep you close. Our God is an awesome God and he does grant miracles - we just need to ask. Many are asking for that miracle on your behalf.

Curt in Carmel said...

Katie,

This is my first visit as has been with others here, and I too have read every post since your diagnosis. I admire your strength and courage in facing your battle. There is not much more that I can say to you that others haven't said before me. However, I can say that you are an inspiration, and you are so amazing. As I said, I've read every post, and as I've read, I've smiled, I've teared up, and I've felt so many emotions as I've "traveled" the road with you in your posts. I am now with you and your family in thought, and I am also now one of your prayer warriors. I promise you that I will pray for you daily. I'll pray that you continue to be strong, that your friends and family will stay strong with you, and that you never feel lost or alone. From all of the wonderful comments I've read, that prayer has already been answered. But most of all, I'll pray that you get the miracle that you are asking for. I believe that attitude, faith, and hope go a long way to positive outcomes. Always hope, keep the faith, and continue with that incredible attitude of yours. All my best to you Katie. Curt

Lois said...

So happy to hear you are home. I am praying that tomorrow will be a better day for you

Lisa Lara said...

I am sure happy you are home Katie-Kate.

Karen said...

Hi Katie!

I cried for you after reading your latest post. I just cannot imagine how you must feel and how scared of the unknown you are!
Just know we are all thinking of you each and every day and sending so much love and positive thoughts your way! Keep fighting you sweet girl - keep fighting!!

Luv Karen
Australia
xxx

Jan said...

I'm sorry to hear all you've been through and am remembering you in my prayers :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie! Glad to know you're home. Keep the faith and I'm sure a lot of people are storming the heavens of prayers for you... May your guardian angel protect you.
Ethelio101

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie! Glad to know you're home. Keep the faith and I'm sure a lot of people are storming the heavens of prayers for you... May your guardian angel protect you.
Ethelio101

Theresa Momber said...

Katie, I'm new to your blog, after hearing of your story. I want you to know that I am sending healing thoughts and prayers to you. So glad you are home and I hope today is a better day! Hugs, Theresa

Charlene Merrick (LilLuvsStampin) said...

Katie, I am also new to your blog after hearing your story on Splitcoaststampers. You obviously have a gift for expressing your thoughts/emotions through writing, which can also be carthatic. My heart hurts for you, and you are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this difficult road. May you find love and strength through your faith, family, and friends.

True :) said...

So glad you are home where you belong Katie!
Your ups and downs are to be expected. You are going through more right now then most of us ever will. Your strength, courage, faith in God, and your family will help you through it.
You are such an eloquent writer. I know you don't feel like it now but once you are better, perhaps you should consider submitting your "journals" for publication. I think it would be uplifting and comforting to others and their family's who are facing similar struggles.

Hope you are having a good day. :)
Big hugs,
True :D

Axes DesigNs said...

Hi Katie! I'm so glad you are home now.. you are in my prayers and my thaughts.. you remember me when I was in all that stuff... the port OMY! I still have that scare.. but it is only to remember I'M Alive! you should fight and never forgot God.. I'm sure he has a plan for you.. be strong and when you want write something for us.. we are here to listen.. God bless you.
Magdalena

Melisa Waldorf said...

Hi Katie. I do not know you but yet my heart is just breaking right now. I have found that papercrafting has introduced me to so many very special people and I'm glad that someone let me know about your situation. Please know that I believe in prayer and the power of my awesome God and I will be praying for you.
big hugs,
Melisa

orangepunkins said...

I happen to be browsing the Split coast website one day when I seen a post that read one of our stumpers is very sick. As I read the posts there I thought I don’t know whom Katie was. Then I went over to her bog… my heart skipped a beat I did know her. I knew her through her work on split coast and seeing her picture with her work, that is how I know Katie. So I started reading her posts on the bog. By the time I was finished I had tears in my eyes and I wanted to jump on the nearest plane to go see her and give her the biggest hug and tell her it will be ok. But I knew I couldn’t so periodically through the days I think about her and send up prayers of hope and healing. By reading her bog she has an amazing talent of sharing her feelings. I do not know what she is going through but through her bog I can understand. Her strength is amazing and I would hope that I would have the same if it were me. Thank You for letting us be apart of your life and sharing your ups and downs through this trying time. Remember there are many friends out there praying and thinking of you. Get well Katie, Your family at split coast misses you.

Your Splitcoast Friend
Tammie Crouthers

cards by cara said...

Welcome home and keep in mind that we are all cheering you on! You have support in the form of masses of splitcoast friends ...

AJ said...

Katie- you have a large supportive group of women cheering you on and supporting you. It's hard, the crying is a great way to move through it. My dad is going through the same thing and has researched cancer support groups, maybe there are some in your area you can touch base with. {hugs}

Bobbi-Lynn said...

I am happy you are home, and will continue to pray for you. I think a support group sounds like a wonderful idea. And the people that you have met at the hospital sound very supportive and caring. God Bless!

Louise Williams said...

oh hunee... I've just started reading your blog and totally know how you felt coming home. Although I haven't had to deal with cancer, I was diagnosed with Crohn's at 23 and spent weeks in and out of hospital and a whole year confined to my bed. That's a long time to sit and watch your life go by so I get it. Keep your chin up and focus on being healthy, being with your family and seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. You have a lot of support out there x

Anthonette said...

Dear Katie,
I'm all too familiar with cancer; it runs in my mom's side of the family. My aunt was just diagnosed with a re-occurence of breast cancer on New Years eve. Please know that I am adding you to my prayers. I pray that the chemo will significantly reduce the tumor in your stomach. May God Bless you!

Kelley Eubanks said...

Katie... I just read your story after seeing something about it on the Paper Crafts facebook page!

As I read your story... it has literally made my sick to my stomach! I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in Nov 2009 and had a heck of a year until I had my 2nd surgery in Oct 2010.

I am so sorry! My cancer issues can in no way compare to what you are going through but I can still feel the worry and just sickness that I felt when I read what you are going through! I feel like I can empathize to some degree!

What I went through changed my life and as hard as it all was... for the better! My God is a Mighty God and He is in control! I will be praying for you that God will heal you if it is His will and that you and your family will know the peace and joy that comes from knowing that God is with you and comforting you. God is what got me through... nothing anyone else could say or do helped! It was sweet but it just couldn't compare to what God was doing for me! I will keep you in my prayers!!

Donna said...

Katie, I am so sad you & your family are going through this horrible trial. I was diagnosed with H Pylori bacteria in '99 I believe and every time my stomach hurts, it scares me a little. God Bless You & keep you close in the palm of His mighty hand.

2Bis2DO said...

Dear Katie, Tomorrow i go in to have a hysterectomy, Pre-cancer cells were found. I believe finding your blog was one of those tender mercies God gives us always if we just look for them. Reading your story gives me strength and courage. The fear is there but i push it back knowing God loves his children and the medicines and Drs. are one of those tender mercies today to help us get better. I pray for you always that you will have the strength and courage and peace you need in the very moment you need it. ((HUGS)) from a fellow crafter. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.It strengthens and encouraged me.

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