Betrayal

I want to preface today's post with a thought.  I have yet to read any books or other types of informational literature out there that are available for coping skills and/or information written by others going through similar situations.  I'm sure I will eventually,  but I realize that my thoughts might significantly change with time and other sources of information.  What I've been writing at this point are things that have crossed my mind or things I have thought about essentially off the cuff.  Of course, all my thoughts have been tempered by all the people and events that have crossed my lifetime.

One of the things that was said to me very early on was by my sister.  I'm not sure where she got this sage piece of wisdom, but she said to try and  not focus on the why, but the how.  There are no answers to the why me question, but she said we can try to deal with the how.  How will I get through this? How will I live day to day? How will I keep fighting?.  I'm sure she said it more eloquently than I have but you get the gist of her words.

Even though I understand what she is saying, I also remembered something that another friend (a cancer survivor) said to me not so long ago.  She told me that she felt betrayed by her body and that she had a difficult time coping with the way her body reacted to anything physical.  This even occurred after her cure due to the fact that there were other physical issues that she had to deal with besides the looming "c" word.

So in a way, I'm circumventing the "why me?" question... tsk, tsk, I know, but it just can't be helped.

Now in the midst of my new circumstance, those words she spoke to me do resonate.  I do feel betrayed.  By no means did I treat my body as a "temple", but I surely didn't abuse it.  I did and do not smoke, I did and do not drink, not for moral reasons but just because it didn't suit me.  I loved my veggies, but have consumed my fair share of Big Macs in my youth.

The betrayal I feel extends to everything that my body is doing now and really extends back to the beginning of December.  Now, its not just the cancer, but the way it reacts to the chemo.  My body isn't my own anymore, its become a living lab of sorts.  The only way that I can even attempt to control it during chemo is by a very specifically  timed ballet of sorts where the main characters are a variation of nausea and pain pills with smaller characters that include laxatives, supplements, and anxiety pills.  Its crazy,  I went from no medications this past summer to bottle after bottle of this and that to take just to make the chemo tolerable. And they say that it takes a few cycles of chemo to work all the "kinks" out!  I guess I'll let you know.

I hate not knowing if that twinge in my stomach is going to turn into cramps or maybe some nausea?  Will that nausea be controllable or not?  I have one medication that is specifically for "break through" nausea... what a name huh? I hate not knowing how my body will feel from one minute to the next, can I trust the way it feels or is it hiding something?

I hate feeling queasy just by looking at some or sometimes all foods.  I hate the fact that I ate that egg yesterday and it tasted pretty good, but today not so good.  I hate the fact that my husband heated up this "good for me" soup and I smelled it and asked him for something else. I hate the fact that I can't trust my own stomach to tell me when I'm hungry, full, or somewhere in between.

Yes, its all a betrayal to me.

Today I go in for routine blood work and I hope its routine.  I don't want any more blood transfusions... I now have more of other people's blood than my own.  I don't particularly relish having to take 6 potassium pills due to vomiting (that was my last meal before I left the hospital on Sat.) - huge pills let me tell you and they were the ones that started to disintegrate in your mouth as soon as you added water... icky!

I also have a hair appointment today that my friend Lisa gifted me... I love my friend Lisa.  I don't know for an absolute fact that my hair will fall it, but the likelihood is strong.  Everyone says to at least get it cut short... but it has to be cute just in case I do get to keep my hair.  This is supposed to occur within a couple of weeks so I guess my time is ticking.  I'm just waiting.  Obviously, a future post on this issue!

Alright, I think I'm done for today.

Until next time.

-Katie