Shower me

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I continue to have so many people to thank for your thoughts, prayers, and generosity.  But today, I wanted to give a shout out to all of those who have sent me a wonderful card or several so far.

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Laurie, Christi, Angela, Shell, Mom and Ken, Janice, Brenda, Kathy, Aunty Geet, Road Shop, Frank and Dena, Stacy, Cassie, Lynn, Anya, Kelly, Roxanna, Lisa, Cheryl, Jill, Jenn

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Yesterday was another emotional roller coaster day, but what I want to focus on is one of the most emotionally safest places for me.  If you haven't guessed yet, it is directly related to today's post title.  The shower... my shower... is a safe haven for me.  I climb in there and I turn the water on as hot as I can and I lean against the wall and just let the water rain down on me.

I remember when my oldest was born...we ended up going back to the hospital after we were home a couple of days to some issues with his nursing and weight.  This would be my first experience in a hospital not including my actual stay for the birth, but that was joyful.  This stay was stressful and hard even though it wasn't extended.  If I recall, it was only a 3 or 4 day stay.  I think on the second night, the nurse suggested we go home for a little bit.  She would get a nurse to sit with Hunter while we were gone.  We took her up on her offer and we drove home and Kevin suggested I take a long, hot shower.  It was just what I needed.

My next most stressful occasion was when the twins were born.  They were too pre-mature to be born here locally so we had to go down to Seattle for their birth.  The hardest event was the night we drove home from Seattle, an approximate drive of about 2 hours, without our 2 new babies.  When we got home, Kevin suggested I take a long, hot shower.  Again, the perfect place to let go.

Fast forward to current events... I've taken several of these long, hot showers and I love the fact that the water washes the tears away, almost like they aren't really there.  The noise of the running water drowns the crying and nobody is the wiser.  Nobody bothers you when you are in the shower... its private and all your own, unless of course you only have one bathroom like we do and two 5 year olds that come and go as they please to potty!  Ha... see life continues no matter what is going on.

So, yesterday was a shower moment... I did go get my hair cut... and I did really well to not cry at the salon... but I did cry later.  All my friends who have met me and know me know that I'm not "into" my hair.  Its what is attached to my head and bugs me daily... wavy, crazy, frizzy, drive me nuts hair.  I was surprised at my reaction to the lack of it.  I got it short, short, short... most everyone suggested getting it cut if you have long hair, its apparently very disconcerting when it starts falling out when its long and the average time for hair loss is about 2 weeks from the first chemo treatment.  Who knows, I might be lucky and not lose any hair, but its more of a probability than not and I wanted to be pro-active.  I wanted to be in charge.  But ironically, afterwards I felt out of control.  I stood there naked and washed my lack of hair and every time I touched my head I felt what was missing.  I looked down at my port which was now free to breathe and again, it was ugly.  There is still some residual yellow bruising along my collar bone.  The goo from the dressings were hard to get off and I couldn't rub too hard because it is still sensitive.  I then looked at my arms and the backs of my hands...I have scabs and bruises from the IV needles and blood draws.  I can still see every single hole that has been made... these aren't the arms and hands that I remember.  My body isn't even the body I remember.  I let the shower just run and thankfully, nobody else needed hot water last night.

My reaction to my lack of hair scared me though because now I'm worried about my reaction to the lack of no hair.  My friend Lisa and I went to the wig shop after my haircut and I have to say it was creepy.  I did try on a couple of wigs and made notes... no purchases yet.

I will post pictures when I'm ready which in all honestly won't be long :)

On a final note, I want to end with the joy that I had cuddling up with the little ones while they listened to me read The Lion King... you know its all about the circle of life.  I'm thankful that Kevin's mom is staying with us for a bit and I'm thankful for all of you.

Until next time...

-Katie