I've been swimming but it hasn't been pretty!

Yikes friends!  Another post with a long break and that is what has been going on.  Let me catch you up.  I even read the last post and it sounds ok... promising even, but I guess reality is slightly diffrerent than blogality because YESTERDAY was really the first day that I recall feeling some-what normal and that isn't so normal.  I have managed at least one day since the 4th without vomiting.

After my release from the hospital I did get a visit from Hospice and so far so good, insurance is covering both components of my care.  My goal is to not get re-admitted to the hospital, but I will be honest and say that if it takes that long again to be discharged, I'm walking out on my volition.   My lawyer/blogger friend says it's not against the law you know....I'm keeping her to her word too!

This past week I had Hospice and a company called Infusion Solution come to my house.  The hospice nurses have come to check on me, set me up with some fluids, take blood, etc.   Having them come to the home has been an immense stress reliever for me and so much more comfortable.

The Infusion Solution people are the ones that are taking care of my "nutritional" needs at the moment... A  bag of white nutritionally sound food that is hooked up to my port.  They monitor vitamin levels and etc. and continue to tweak a perfect combination just for me!  The bag fits into a lovely normal sized back pack and I am free to go gallivant around the country side. So far it's attached 24/7 but should be tapering off, 18 hours/ 12 hours/ 8 hours?  Not exactly sure.  I can continue to eat if I want, but as usual not much stays down.

All I can tell you is that I feel like I've been swimming and swimming, swimming in mud, dirt, muck, and every shade and thickness in between.  It has been extremely hard for me to keep my head and attitude up above this river this time around.  This has been the darkest I have felt since this whole experience has begun.  I physically ache and the nausea can almost me unbearable at times and just laying there in bed seemed to take it's toll.

What it has done though is brought to light things (decisions) that I need to get taken care off.  I've started to talk about the "important" stuff to the "mundane" stuff... I find that if I can start talking about them whether it's to strangers or the most important people to me it makes it easier to talk about them over and over again.

I need that.  And I want everyone to understand that it's for ME not for YOU.  It kills me to talk about certain things one minute, but the next day it may be like talking about changing one's pants.  Every emotion is tenaciousness and brittle and hard to experience and I never know what emotions will emerge at that second, but I NEED to have them addressed one way or another over and over again... FOR ME.

School has started, but no journals for me yet.  It's important that I have try to hand write all my things that I want to touch on.  I've decided they will really be more snip its/ stories/ anecdotes/ history/hopes etc for all of us.  The little ones won't even be reading these for a very long time anyway, although I want to incorporate "younger version" concepts too. Goal to live up!

Hunter's been doing great at the middle school (so he says, but I'll take it at face value).  The little ones both had an individual melt down the very last day of the first week of school.  Nothing major and nothing related... but go figure same day huh?  I've got appointments scheduled  for them for next week... quick 1/2 hour sessions.

I still thank and bless every one of you out there reading, loving, praying, supporting, sharing etc.

Until next time.

-Katie