Today's Shout Outs:
Donna McEw (x3), Karla C, ShareaCard, Nancy E, Becky Jo, Niki E, Anna A, Donna C, Janice H,
Michele H, Bill R, Kate B, Marie H, Laura I, June K, Kelly B, Barbara Diane, Judy B
I know you've heard me say this so often, but one of the hardest things to cope with in regards to this disease is the up and down cycle of good times and bad times. Both feel so extreme sometimes that it almost appears false. There are some days (and I know you can attest to this) where it literally feels like it couldn't possibly get worse and then right around the corner, I'll feel so much better. This up and down in itself is something that I've come to disdain and have much hatred for. Plus, sometimes I don't know if it's really me feeling ok or it it's the drugs that help me to feel ok. I won't complain too much as long as it's the "I'm feeling ok part".
What I can honestly say though is that today has been the very best day I've experienced within the last month. Minus the fact, that my painkiller is wearing off and I needed to take some more in order to finish this post. I know you ask why and so do I, but the crazy, make me so angry part of this is that I don't know why and to be honest I don't think anyone else does either. On top of that, I am lucky enough to head on back to the clinic for my next infusion tomorrow.
The last couple of months have seriously been rough both physically and mentally. I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has been mentally difficult for me being sick during my chemo break. During chemo I could focus my negative energy on the chemo and chalk up how ill I felt on the drugs itself. It was worth it knowing that the chemo is working and "helping" me. But, when the effects of chemo finally went away and I stayed being sick and began suffering from the stomach pain, I couldn't "blame" the chemo anymore. The only thing I could "blame" was myself or my body. The pains that I felt were there to remind me that things aren't so rosy after all, and mind you, you all know that my head has not been stuck in the sand. Knowing all this and "knowing" all this can be tough on one's psyche let me tell you.
We went to my oncologist appointment yesterday and to be honest (again)... the visit was rather bleh... I already told you that my last CT scan showed growth, but at this appointment he told us that the growth was back on my ovaries and enlarged lymph nodes in my stomach. I'm not in the same situation that I was in when this all started, but I'm not as good as I was a couple of months ago. There will be no 3 weekly treatments and we'll stick with every 2 weeks as before. It worked last time so hopefully it will do it's job again. On top of that my tumor marker numbers continue to rise... I don't get it, but I wish they would stop.
I'm going to share something with you that is true. I'm not going off the deep end or anything like that, but I will be honest and share what has been on my mind in the past, is on my mind at present, and will be on my mind in the future. I just can't help it and I'm sure at some point in your life you might have considered this, maybe just not in the same format.
I think about whether Kevin will find somebody special when I'm gone, whether it will take a long time or a short time. I know that it's something that is very likely to happen and wouldn't I be a terrible person to not want my husband to continue on and live a happy and long life. I know that he will be lonely and sad and I hate that I would be the cause of this.
I wonder if my children will find someone else to call Mommy. I think about the smiles they might share with that some one special, I wonder how much they will remember and how much will they forget. Don't forget that I am my own example of experience when it comes to memories and I don't remember one stitch about my biological mother or family. Of course my situation was different and my boys will have stories, relatives, friends, and pictures to look back upon... but I still wonder.
I know it may sound morbid, but it's true. I've also been thinking about my funeral... who would come, would it be sad or happy, how do I want it? Unfortunately, I do have to consider some of the things... it's just the way it has to be. Have I done anything about it? No, I have not. I don't think I'm that close to the end by any means but thoughts are thoughts and that is what I think about on occasion, ok, on more than one, two, or even three occasions. And don't think I'm still not hopeful, but it is what it is. That's a lot of time to think when one spends a majority of their time in bed.
So tomorrow is chemo day and we will all be hoping and praying that it does what it's supposed to do and kick this cancer's ass!!! I definitely want more kicking than last time.
Thanks for hanging with this 'ole morose kind of gal!! I'll be sleeping my weekend away and I hope yours is whatever you want it to be.
Until next time.