Thursday, August 25, 2011

Thinking, thinking, thinking

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna McEw (x3), Karla C, ShareaCard, Nancy E, Becky Jo, Niki E, Anna A, Donna C, Janice H, 
Michele H, Bill R, Kate B, Marie H, Laura I, June K, Kelly B, Barbara Diane, Judy B

*************************************************


Dear friends,

I know you've heard me say this so often, but one of the hardest things to cope with in regards to this disease is the up and down cycle of good times and bad times.  Both feel so extreme sometimes that it almost appears false.  There are some days (and I know you can attest to this) where it literally feels like it couldn't possibly get worse and then right around the corner, I'll feel so much better.  This up and down in itself is something that I've come to disdain and have much hatred for. Plus, sometimes I don't know if it's really me feeling ok or it it's the drugs that help me to feel ok.  I won't complain too much as long as it's the "I'm feeling ok part".

What I can honestly say though is that today has been the very best day I've experienced within the last month.  Minus the fact, that my painkiller is wearing off and I needed to take some more in order to finish this post.  I know you ask why and so do I, but the crazy, make me so angry part of this is that I don't know why and to be honest I don't think anyone else does either.  On top of that, I am lucky enough to head on back to the clinic for my next infusion tomorrow.

The last couple of months have seriously been rough both physically and mentally.  I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has been mentally difficult for me being sick during my chemo break.  During chemo I could focus my negative energy on the chemo and chalk up how ill I felt on the drugs itself.  It was worth it knowing that the chemo is working and "helping" me.  But, when the effects of chemo finally went away and I stayed being sick and began suffering from the stomach pain, I couldn't "blame" the chemo anymore.  The only thing I could "blame" was myself or my body.  The pains that I felt were there to remind me that things aren't so rosy after all, and mind you, you all know that my head has not been stuck in the sand.  Knowing all this and "knowing" all this can be tough on one's psyche let me tell you.

We went to my oncologist appointment yesterday and to be honest (again)... the visit was rather bleh... I already told you that my last CT scan showed growth, but  at this appointment he told us that the growth was back on my ovaries and enlarged lymph nodes in my stomach. I'm not in the same situation that I was in when this all started, but I'm not as good as I was a couple of months ago.  There will be no 3 weekly treatments and we'll stick with every 2 weeks as before.  It worked last time so hopefully it will do it's job again.  On top of that my tumor marker numbers continue to rise... I don't get it, but I wish they would stop.

I'm going to share something with you that is true.  I'm not going off the deep end or anything like that, but I will be honest and share what has been on my mind in the past, is on my mind at present, and will be on my mind in the future.  I just can't help it and I'm sure at some point in your life you might have considered this, maybe just not in the same format.

I think about whether Kevin will find somebody special when I'm gone, whether it will take a long time or a short time.  I know that it's something that is very likely to happen and wouldn't I be a terrible person to not want my husband to continue on and live a happy and long life.  I know that he will be lonely and sad and I hate that I would be the cause of this.

I wonder if my children will find someone else to call Mommy.  I think about the smiles they might share with that some one special, I wonder how much they will remember and how much will they forget.  Don't forget that I am my own example of experience when it comes to memories and I don't remember one stitch about my biological mother or family.   Of course my situation was different and my boys will have stories, relatives, friends, and pictures to look back upon... but I still wonder.

I know it may sound morbid, but it's true.  I've also been thinking about my funeral... who would come, would it be sad or happy, how do I want it?  Unfortunately, I do have to consider some of the things... it's just the way it has to be.  Have I done anything about it?  No, I have not.  I don't think I'm that close to the end by any means  but thoughts are thoughts and that is what I think about on occasion, ok, on more than one, two, or even three occasions.  And don't think I'm still not hopeful, but it is what it is.  That's a lot of time to think when one spends a majority of their time in bed.

So tomorrow is chemo day and we will all be hoping and praying that it does what it's supposed to do and kick this cancer's ass!!!  I definitely want more kicking than last time.

Thanks for hanging with this 'ole morose kind of gal!!  I'll be sleeping my weekend away and I hope yours is whatever you want it to be.

Until next time.

-Katie

53 comments:

Susan said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Katie. I think that what you are feeling is quite normal, and you are coping so well. I know that you will keep fighting. Hugs to you, dear!

Lisa said...

Hi Katie. I wanted to comment to let you know that you're not alone. And I know you know that, but I wanted to reiterate that to you.

I think your feelings and thoughts are very normal. Speaking about them is a healthy thing.

I don't have the answers for you. I just know that each of us, whether healthy or not, needs to make each and every day on this earth count. For something.

Tell the ones you love, that you love them. That's all we can do.

Hugs...

Linda said...

You have made a lot of new friends along this cancer journey. If blogging helps you keep think things out, keep talking to us and keep fighting. Many people are praying for you! You are a remarkable lady.

Sharon D said...

Katie, Peace to you. May I just reassure you that your children would not forget you? My own mother died from cancer when I was six, and I've always remembered her. I think back to happy memories. My father remarried after four years, and we called my stepmother Kathy, not Mama.

As far as your husband remarrying: to me, when a spouse remarries, it is a sign that the first marriage was a good one, that they liked being married and want to be in that state again. I do not take it as disloyalty to the first spouse. Of course, I do not mean to imply that if someone does not remarry, it means there was something wrong with the first marriage--every person is different.

But do not torture yourself over such matters. Here's hoping the chemo knocks the cancer out! Peace and healing--

Laura Isham said...

Katie, I have no words right now, but know that I think of you often and with love and prayers.

Kathy Mc said...

Was happy to see that you posted today, but it wasn't exactly what I was expected it to say. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling down and more bad days than good. It must be so very frustrating and such a helpless feeling. There aren't too many things you haven't thought about, and I guess it's better than burying your head in the sand. Please know we pray for a miracle that your treatment kicks the cancer. Take care and keep us posted.

Gina said...

Hi sweetie, your not being morbid at all! Your being sensible and organised! I have these conversations with hubby all the time( and neither of us are ill). We have both seen older relatives pass without leaving any instructions, and the arguments that can cause amongst grieving relatives. I've already told everyone that I want a wicker coffin and cremation, and my ashes sprinkling on a forest floor somewhere!!
As for new partners...we've been discussing that possibility since we met haha! I know hubby couldn't be alone for long. Me, I'd just find a man when I felt the need(on a temporary basis)and stay single. Not out of grief, I'm just a bit of a loner :)
"IF" your hubby finds himself alone , the boys will keep him occupied for a good while, but he will probably need a "grown up" to dump on. He needs to know that you won't hate him for this, and the boys need to know they will be allowed to find a "mother figure" when they need one. These may not be the same people(and they may never need them), but not discussing these things will only make things harder later"IF" they become an issue :D XXX

Jak Heath said...

Oh Katie, this time I cried all the way through reading, often life has an ugly way of dealing out to the wrong people and the why's and how comes, often aren't answered, I think your thought must have gone through every cancer patients mind at some point and I expect their partners too. often easier to write than to say.
I expect if you got all of the hugs your friends and family want to give you, you'd be one squished girl.
Love you loads katie, keep fighting girl.
xxx

cbuswell said...

I'd say all those thoughts are normal and hard not to think about sometimes. Don't forget the power of your thoughts though, stay positive and keep fighting. We're all here with you. x

Carolyn Kropp said...

Know that whatever happens your love will always be with kevin and your boys. Should someone new enter thier lives know that Kevin will make sure it is a person filled with love who will show only love to yor family and that from wherever you may be you will influence thier lives with your spirit.
I wish you the best in beating this ugly thing and living for many many years to come.

Bobbi-Lynn said...

You are an amazing woman, and your children will never forget you, should that time come. I can understand your thoughts, how can that not creep in at some point. Just hold onto the positive thoughts too, though, as I do believe in the energy that they cause, and can truly help.
Always praying for you.

Brenda said...

Like I told you Katie, if Kevin ever does find someone, he'll have to check with me first - just to make sure it's someone you'd approve of!! LOL Seriously, I am glad that you are having these conversations with Kevin-it's all part of the process when dealing with an illness and diagnosis such as yours. We are all praying and hoping for you, Kevin and the kids! Like Jak, I am left in tears this morning but these of tears of comfort and support that I give you everyday! Hugs and Love this morning!

Emily Painter-Davis said...

To be honest with you Katie, I am so glad you shared with us. I'm happy you have those thoughts because it means you are a normal human being - well, normal for you is extraordinary. I think every MOTHER has had those thoughts without Cancer in their lives. If something happend to me, what would my child remember? would he be happy? etc. My heart breaks for you. But I can say this - keep making memories for them. Good memories to the best of your ability. It will help them and you. I hope these doctors and these treatments will save you. I pray for you regularly as we all do.

Thanks again for sharing and making me ball my flippin eyes out again! (you should be grinning).

Love you...
Em

Candy F. said...

Love you -- I don't need to say anything else.

Whimcees said...

Hello Katie,

So many things I want to say and so few words to say them well. You are so special - so brave and kind and funny. Loving life and your family.

Love and prayers are coming your way from so many - stay strong Katie. Keep fighting and living life to the fullest each day.

Sending love and hugs,

Barbara Diane

Cath said...

Hugs to you, Katie. Being so honest with yourself is part of the fight. Thanks for trusting your thoughts with all of us.

All my love,
Cath

Carla said...

Sending you extra hugs today Katie! Thanks for reminding us all to hold our loved ones close. We never know what life will bring.

gramma jacki said...

Enjoy your sleepy weekend, sweetie, with happy dreams of a bright future. You WILL beat this beast! Much love and peace. (changing my "name" from jackib to gramma jacki). Hugs.

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

I came across this post today on a fellow blogger's site. It made me think of you.

http://littlebirdieblessings.blogspot.com/2011/08/under-his-wings.html

Love you Katie-Super-Girl!
:-)

Tameko said...

Keep sharing whatever you choose to share. I think that your thoughts and feelings are normal. You are human! I hope that you have a restful and peaceful weekend.
Prayers & Blessings,
Tameko

"Cast all of your cares on Him, for He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

Daizee said...

Katie, you are an amazing woman, you keep fighting this beast. I think it is good to get all those scarey thoughts out so you can make room for the positive thoughts. Your Husband and your Children could never forget you, because you are and always will be such an important and inspiring part of who they are, just as they are such an important and inspiring part of who you are. Keep the faith, you are as always in my thoughts and prayers.

Gill said...

Hello. I'm just a visitor from the UK. I check out your blog most days, & send thoughts & prayers across the ocean.

cheryl (clee') said...

Hello, Katie. I have been following your blog faithfully since your diagnosis and just don't comment that often. But I feel that nothing is off limits when it comes to your thoughts of the future - or funeral. As you say, it is what it is. My dad died suddenly when I was 30 (he was 64) - and I got a will shortly after - because I realized how unpredicatable life can be. I did not consider that morbid to be thinking of death at age 30 - just practical, and taking a task off my "someday" to-do list.

Wishing you more good days ahead.

Jessie said...

Sending prayers your way Katie!

Cheryl said...

I think it takes great strength and courage to think rationally about the what-ifs. I also think it takes great love and selflessness to explore the possibility of your husband's future. I'm sure if you could have, you would have chosen a different path to learn these skills and traits, but you are becoming more beautiful each and every day. Hugs and prayers for you.!

katrynka said...

Sending love and prayers to you! but one thing I wanted to say, and I think it is very important: you will NOT be making your hubby unhappy if you go, the cancer will be doing that. He knows that if there were some way in your power to change this, you would. Sadly, there is suffering in this world, it is part of the human condition.

Hugs to you and your family.

IamDerby said...

Big hugs to you my friend. I think these are such normal thoughts. My husband and I both have medical problems (although neither as serious as yours) and we have both had these thoughts. And I will admit sometimes the thought of him or my kids with anyone else makes me want to cry...even though I know I would want them to be happy. No one knows how long they will be here so I think its perfectly normal to want to plan and "control" these types of things. You are in my thoughts so often and I am praying that you get a miracle. Sending you love!

Joan B said...

such hard thoughts for someone so young. of course your kids will remember you as they will have their father and brothers to co-remember, and photos, and other relatives as well. So there is a worry that I truly believe you can cross off your list.

hugs

deedoodle said...

Wow lady you are awesome. What strength you have even though you think your weak.
Your Boy's would never forget you sweet lady. They know who their Mommy is and always will. I went through a divorce and wondered how I would feel if my kids wanted to call another woman mom. The conclusion I came to was I knew I am their mom and so did they if they felt comfortable enough around this other woman and felt loved then call her mom. I am thankful they have a person that adds more to their life.
I am sure there is so much more that goes through your thoughts and that is perfectly normal. We all are praying for you and tring to send strength your way. Stay strong and determined. You are awesome

Erica said...

Dear Katie,

I double ditto all that has been said above. What intuitive women read your blog and more importantly, comment. My prayers are with you as I think of often.

Kathy said...

Hi Katie,
I want to thank you for writing back to me! I can only imagine how much of a blow it must have been to not feel any better and even a little worse when you went off the chemo. And then to find that things have spread and your markers are up...I know it must feel so discouraging. I'm always planning my funeral (nothing morose please! No casket, no graveside, I want to be cremated. Sing praises, celebrate cause I'm with the Lord!)And I'm not sick, just getting older!! But I'm so thankful you are such a fighter, willing to jump back in there, with both fists up, mouth piece in place, with a fierce glint in your eye! We are all praying for you, Katie!
hugs
Kathy

Dawn B. said...

I too have no words just lots of love sent your way. You are amazing..

Barb said...

Thinking of you Katie. How brave you are to let everyone know your most private thoughts and feelings. Best of luck to you as you kick Cancer's ASS!!!
I'll keep praying! It never hurts to ask for a miracle!

Barb

Grandma Nancy said...

The first thing I want to assure you is I WILL BE SAD, if or when that day comes. In the meantime, I continue to pray for your healing. I send much love and virtual hugs everyday. XXXOOO
Nancy

Susie said...

There is not much I can say, that others have not said already.
I may not comment often. But...please know that I am reading all of your posts. Sometimes smiling, sometimes with a lump in my throat, sometimes with tears in my eyes. Always praying for healing.
I SO appreciate you honesty. And admire you so much for it.

AShu93 said...

Keep kicking Katie! Sending more prayers your way.

Suzi said...

Hmmm. . .I don't believe in Cosmic energy, but I do believe in friends and know they can give you the strength and encouragement to keep fighting. And I believe in God and that we can know Him through His Son Jesus. I pray everyday that you will know Him, too, and that He will work in your life. You are in a rotten place right now, I know, and it *sucks*--did I just say that? But it does, and He can make it better and give you hope. Ask Him to let you know He is there. He will. Sending hugz, Suzi

Donna said...

Oh Katie, you brave special lady, how could anyone forget you, I won't thats for sure and neither will your loving family. The thoughts you are having are completely normal and none of us know when our time will come, some may get an idea and others will just go, I know too many people, young and old who have left this world very healthy and without warning so thinking about what life will be like for our family when we're gone is a good thing to talk about. I know that I keep scrapbooks for this very reason and I have talked about how I want buried with my partner, I like to think if I'm taken suddenly I will have left some instructions and special memories my children can look back on. We each should make the most of every day and your helping me to remember that. Big hugs to you. Donna x

Sarah said...

Katie, know that I am thinking about you and praying for that miracle that only God can give you. Let Him in and He will show you what He can do. Take care.

Eden said...

Katie,

I can't tell you enough how many people approach me, friends and acquaintances even, and they all tell me the same thing. They're all so impressed, and so touched by your strength which is so evident in the honesty and and your vulnerability you so willingly share in your blog.

What you write about is honest, and I know it does not at all give into any loss of hope in you. You're a fighter, and a warrior, and you're a true mentor to me. You're my friend, and you're my sister, and you're someone I will always do whatever I absolutely can to help out in order to ensure that you're living the best life you can. I will always be there for you and your boys through all this.

I love you with my whole heart, sis - and I'm so incredibly honored to be able to call you my sister.

Eden

Maria said...

Sending extra hugs your way!!!

Dinahsoar said...

Just know that I am praying for your healing.

MicheleV said...

Thinking of you often.
Wondering if I could ever be as open, honest and as strong as you are; you are encouragement!

Beautiful Greetings said...

Katie I think about all the time and hope that life gets easier for you soon. You are such a strong woman and your fears are normal. Your post brought tears to my eyes and I just wanted you to know that people everywhere are pulling for you!

Sue in Grapevine said...

I'm so sorry that you have these things to consider. I pray that that the old saying of "a burden shared is halved" is holding true as you share your thoughts.
Peace to your soul and your spirit and your body, my sister.

Sue from Oregon said...

Oh Katie...a dose of reality sure makes a soul quake. I cried at the raw reality of this post. All I can do from here is send you hugs and love and pray you win the battle.

Lorraine said...

Katie, I wish I could give you a big hug. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Sending you love & prayers.

Debgem said...

Katie - I hope the weekend sleeping has left you feeling a bit better.

I think your post is honest and natural. I'm sure that your husband and children will never forget you - brave, bright, funny, hopeful, organised, kind and caring - you're all those things and more.

Sending you hugs xx

Shelley B said...

Katie-

I, too, am a ‘stranger’ who has been following your blog since your diagnosis. You are often in my thoughts. I’m a very skeptical person, but I suddenly feel open to miracles.

I am one of the many hundreds (or more) who is amazed at your bravery, grateful for the very, very honest account of your experience since Day 1, and sad and frustrated at the tenacity of this disease. If there is/was an entry in Wikipedia under ‘Life is Unfair’, this would be one of the best examples.

I also cried reading this post. I cried for you, your boys and husband and other family and friends. I also cried a bit for myself because I struggle with this life, what my purpose is, what I’m meant to do or not. That my losses seem to outnumber the ‘wins’. But you have inspired me to work on being grateful that I'm here even if the purpose isn't so clear, and to be OK with what IS.

Thank you, Katie.

Shelley
Redmond, WA

Althea said...

Hello Katie,
I too cried when I read your post. I was touched so deeply by your candor and amazed that I had just received an email from you. I too understand the space your in my only child is an adult but I still want to be present for so many more of her life experiences.

Hold on to the love that surrounds you and know that that prayer can change everything.

You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. You are so awesome and God is an awesome God who reigns. He will see you through this terrible time and bring you to a much better place

Jane said...

I am a newbie to your story Katie, but you sure are one hell of a gutsy lady for sharing. You will have inspired a lot of people through your blog to embrace life, hold close to you those that you love & hopefully be better people. I'm not a religous person so I can only send you a 'bloggy' hug and say keep fighting Katie xxx

Helen L said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, and I admire that you are still blogging and communicating with all of us. My heart breaks when I read what you've had to think of at such a young time in your life, but just know that if we all could be there by you, you would be hugged and supported every hour of every day. God loves you, and maybe the good that you can gain from this horrible experience is that you feel the love of god for you through the love that your family and friends give you. Take care, you sweet and talented young lady: hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

ThePurplePlace said...

Katie,
My heart goes out to you! Although I don't often post many comment, I am a crafter, who has been following your for quite some time now.

I greatly admire your ability to share your story with others and think you are an amazing woman.

You have touched my heart with your story and I am certain I would also wonder and have many of the same feelings you have shared about my husband and children, if I were going through this.

I'm happy that you are thinking of writing something for each of your children and I know now that is something I should do, not because I am sick, but because most of us would never think about doing that, yet I know I would cherish having had something like that from my Dad. He died young and unexpectedly and we never had a chance to say goodbye. That's one thing I have often wondered in my own life?

You are one of the bravest women I have ever met and it breaks my heart to hear you feeling so lousy for so long. I keep praying for you to have better days and for that miracle that I'm sure you also want!!

Please know that our hearts break for you and your family. I wish so much I could take away some of your pain or make you well.

I'll continue to keep you in my prayers!

Hugs,
Lisa

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