Monday, August 1, 2011

Ick!

Dear friends,

Happy Monday to you all.  I hope everyone is having a productive day.  I'm a bit down today because I don't feel good... my stomach is continuing to cause me pain.  I tried scheduling an early chemo for this Thursday but when I called last week the infusion center didn't have any spots left, Thursday or Friday so I had to schedule it for the following week with a CT Scan scheduled for the day before.   The pain is manageable, but I don't like taking pain meds during the day.

I'm hoping that the scan is at least the same as previous ones, which in my case would be a good sign.  I'd love to move my chemo treatments to every 3 weeks, but I don't know if that will be a viable option or not.  We shall see...

On top of that, I hadn't put two and two together, but I think the whole early menopause is starting to rear it's ugly head.  Another "side" effect of the chemo drugs.  I have a prescription for a low dose estrogen patch, but I need to get to the pharmacy first.  I have a lot of  "needs/wants" that I'd like to do.  Staying busy keeps my mind off my discomfort, but these hot flashes suck!  I know many of you know how it feels.

I have a dentist appointment today too for a cleaning and my teeth are another sore spot with me.  The enamel has started to wear off (or I think that's why my teeth are so brown looking).  I'm assuming that the enamel has eroded from all the vomiting, but it seems like it was ok and then over night they looked terrible.  They are so ugly and every time I look in the mirror it bugs me to no end. EDITED TO ADD: yay, my brown teeth were just excessive staining, they are now back to normal with some extra polishing... so grateful!

I feel as though this cancer and subsequent chemo is robbing me of things that I never wanted to give up in the first place.  I know that if someday I am ever done with chemo, things will come/grow back, but I also know that there are things that won't ever be the same with my body and that makes me sad and angry at the same time.  I know it's pointless to say it's not fair, but that is how I feel today.  It really sucks to be sick and it really sucks to have no end, no finish line, no pie in the sky as a friend put it.  I have lots of reasons to fight and keep going, but it would be nice to have that end goal other than the END... make sense?

Ok... life must go on!  There are things to be done so I shall do my best to get to them!  Enjoy the day.

Until the next time.

-Katie

31 comments:

Graphicat said...

have no words of wisdom for you Katie...but just had to send you a virtual hug and as much goodness and angels that I can send your way.
Take care of yourself
HUGS
Cheri

Kathy said...

Absolutely I know what you mean! I can only imagine how it must suck to think life will be chemo and the yuck that goes with that or no chemo for a while and the yuck that goes with that or the END! I am not facing cancer and all the goes with it, but I am facing living in a place I never, ever, no never wanted to live with NO END in sight because of my husband's job. I'm tethered to him (and I'm glad I am) but so wish it wasn't up to his job where we live. I feel I'm in no man's land...it's not a horrible place but nowhere I want to be. Still I know the Lord has plans for me here. As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I'm good. But the minute I start to assess my situation, dwell on what I can't have...ug...I'm done in. Back to you-Katie being nauseous all the time is the pits times a million! I'm praying for you right now. Hope a cancellation comes up so you can go sooner!
hugs,
Kathy

IamDerby said...

Aww Katie, hang in there! It all sounds so yucky! Big hugs coming your way!

susanc said...

Dear Katie, I can't tell you that I know how you feel, but I can tell you that your honesty and bravery has touched me and I think of you so often. I pray that you pain will subside and that you get good results of your CT scan. xxx

Ted said...

Oh, Katie... my heart breaks as I read this. I wish I could take the pain from you.

You're right...some things have changed due to this horrible, HORRIBLE disease:

1. Your spirit is stronger. You're dealing with things perhaps you never thought you'd be able to.
2. You're an inspiration to so many people whom you perhaps never thought you'd meet. I'm one of them. If I could have 1/10 the bravery you've shown, I'd be a man well-blessed.
3. You're seeing the value you have by so many of your friends, family, and eFriends praying for you and doing our laundry and sending you cards. Yes, you're THAT valuable.

BTW... My mom gushed over the card you sent her... she felt like a celebrity sent it to her. :) Thanks for that.

You remain evermore in my prayers,
Ted

Lori said...

Hugs Katie. I think of you often and continue to hope for good news and an end to the chemo and pain you are experiencing. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending good thoughts your way.

cgashley said...

Katie, Nothing I say can be enough; nothing I do could be enough. My heart is with you as you fight this fight against the evil that is cancer. You are an inspiration for being honest enough to say how horrible it is. I wish I could help--I can't . Hang on and know that God hears all of us as we cry out to Him on your behalf. HUGS from Texas.

Joan V said...

Katie, I said a prayer for you today. I don't think anything I say will take your pain away. But know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Joan B said...

It just isn't fair. Not even close. I have no special words of wisdom --only that we are pulling for you and hoping for the absolute best.

Theresa Momber said...

Ditto what Ted said. You keep on fighting and remember you're entitled to vent and rage now and then. It's not fair. We're all out here sending hugs and prayers your way.

Sarah said...

Katie, I feel so bad for you. I hate that you have to have pain or have chemo and then be nauseated. Your are right, it is NOT fair. I have asked the same question. Why does there have to be cancer in this world. I was told because it was the devils world and he is here to hurt and destroy. Well, fine and dandy if he thinks it is his world. It is NOT. He might try to still and destroy but he will NOT succeed. We have a GOD that is bigger than anything the devil can throw at us. You are strong Katie. I see it everyday by what you are going through. Keep your faith and speak daily that you are healed. Tell the devil to go back to hell where he belongs. I think of you so often and I keep you in my prayers. Stay strong Katie.

Camperstamper said...

Katie,
My heart is rooting for you. I care for children with cancer so many of the things you talk about are very familiar. You have every right to feel "it's not fair" because it isn't. I pray for you to have strength each day to make it through the day, that you experience something beautiful every day, and the you can feel the warmth and love that enfolds you from those who love you-many whom you haven't or may never meet. Just know that there are angels surrounding you and fighting for you.

Cath said...

Hang in there, my friend. Glad your teeth are A-OK! That's something to celebrate in and of itself! I'm off to the dentist myself tomorrow. And my teeth are so coffee-stained, I'm pretty sure there's no hope for me whatsoever.

Loves!

Susan said...

No, Katie, IT ISN'T FAIR. That being said, you are handling everything so very well. You continue to be in my daily prayers. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. Sue

Tameko said...

Katie, I decided to check your blog before I went to bed this evening. As I pray tonight, I am asking that HE will meet you right where you are, and give you what you need. Keep fighting, feel free to vent your feelings, and know that you are never alone.
God Bless, T

LaurieJ said...

Katie, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a particularly rough day! I don't know what else to say other than I think you are amazing and that I pray that tomorrow shines brighter for you. Hang in there! (One bright spot - you can be happy with your beautiful smile once again.)

Wendy ten Hove said...

Oh, Katie! And here I am worrying about not being able to fix a date with my friends for going to a movie... I'm so sorry these things are happening to you and I totally agree that it is just not fair!!! I totally hate cancer, it's THE most terrible disease I can think of, 'cause it makes you insecure about your body and what's happening... Wishing you all the best!!!!
Hugs, Wendy

cbuswell said...

Keep going my friend... glad your teeth were just stained and ok now. I hope the stomach pain improves soon. Thinking of you.

I just wanted to say when I read your blog posts, there are many days when you help me keep things in my life in perspective, thank you for that.

Grandma Nancy said...

Hugs and prayers as always from me..I am so sorry you have pain, I am happy your teeth are back to looking great. Yes, hot flashes are the pits! I am pulling for you so hard and hope today will be a better day. XXXOOO

~amy~ said...

Just poppin' in to let you know that I'm thinkin' of ya....

judy said...

There is nothing fair about cancer!
It is so tough to have pain with the
treatment/side effects and pain
from the disease. I hope the stomach
pain lessens. Keeping you in my
thoughts and prayers.

Pam~ said...

Hoping that you are feeling better today! You're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending positive thoughts your way with a big HUG! Looking forward to seeing those pearly whites from a big smile while sitting on your bike!

Whimcees said...

Hello Katie!

With all of the many, many days that you stay positive and keep moving ahead in your brave fight - it is amazing that you do not have more days of "life is not fair/being sick sucks!"

Sending you hugs and good wishes aad keeping you in my prayers every day.

Stay strong Katie!

Barbara Diane

scraphappy4067 said...

Just wanted to stop by and give you a hug!!

{*{*{Katie}*}*}

katrynka said...

I am so happy for you that it was just stains on your teeth! Like everyone else, I know that there is not much to say except that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Diane S said...

Here's some advice about hot flashes. Install a remote control fan over your bed. when a hot flash hits in the middle of the night, reach for the remote. I got pretty good at turning on that fan without really waking up.

Dinahsoar said...

The thing is don't dwell on if it is fair or not. When I got my diagnosis I was devasted. But I never thought 'why me'. Instead I thought "why not me?".

You see, in life the cards are dealt. Some we have little or no power over. If I happen to be the one who draws the cancer card, c'est la vie.

Cancer sucks. I hate it. But it is part of life, just like death is part of life.

When I was young I had little realization of the pain and suffering others had/were going through because I had escaped thus far. Time levels the playing field.

All things must end someday. And in between there will be a lot of crap and pain and heartache and suffering. It's a given.

Don't even think about it not being fair. It is what it is. And remember, all who read these pages have either had cancer or will likely get it at some point in time. And if they escape cancer, they will likely end up with heart disease.

Let your mantra be 'this too shall pass'...because it will...and when you move on to the next hard thing--because there will be more, you can be sure of that--you will be all the wiser and know to not let the hindrance of hardness prevent you from living your best life.

You are going to get well. When you are well you will understand all the wonderful things you learned in the valley. And the mountain top will be all the more beautiful because of the difficulty of the climb to the top.

hello gorgeous said...

hey gorgeous, it's thursday and I'm hoping you have picked up a bit....there's nothing worse than feeling rough on top of everything else :o(

I "get" you with the menopause monster...it's just rearing it UGLY head with me too....I know it's humid here at the mo...but surely not THAT humid...I feel like I am swimming within myself!

Yay! on the teeth front...it does make a difference when you can talk & smile with no worries about what's on show!

Oh, and if you are up to it {and interested} there's a colour challenge on my blog {http://hellogorgeousdesign.blogspot.com/2011/08/colour-challenge-riverside.html} - first time I've thrown out a challenge!

hugs

hello gorgeous xxx

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, No special words of wisdom. Just know that I think of you often, and that I pray for you. Yes, cancer is unfair and dreadful. There is no getting around that. You have every right to sound off about that. Best wishes and much love to you Katie.

Deborah F.

Whimcees said...

Hello Katie!

It is a week tomorrow and no post - I hope that you have just been too busy with your family and hope that all is well.

Know that I keep you in my prayers as always!

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Anonymous said...

Katie - hang in there - you are doing a great battle with such an ugly disease. I love seeing the cards you make when you feel up to it. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

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