Saturday, April 2, 2011

Past, Present, Future

Dear friends,

As you know, the last week has been hard on me both physically and emotionally.  I had a complete mental breakdown the other day out in the garage, not very glamourous trust me, but it was good to get it out.  I'm good right now, but it is true that I've been relatively morose these past days.  I have felt that my view of life has been so skewed and jaded and that I don't see the same things the same way.

For example the tv... I know... I hear those same sighs in my head.  One night was really bad... every commerical I watched I would think, oh that's not me right now, I can't do that right now, and the coup de gras (another sigh, I know)... I just kept watching and staring at all that glorious, shiny, bouncy hair.  Don't laugh... I know its tv and things are "dramatized".  Just another "moment"!

I know that any major event can change one's perspective but I also know that it's not healthy to fixate on anything too specific... good, bad, or the ugly.  I have been perusing our family gallery of pictures and I have been looking at older pictures and thinking about the past and realizing that even now in the present, I view those past pictures so differently.  Ahhhh, I love that  word perspective.

So here is a picture that was taken quite while ago.  I was thinner, younger, and healthier.  I love this picture.

BUT... there are things right now that make me HAPPY.  Here are a few photos of some of those things.  This first one makes me happy for a couple of reasons.  First of all, this bench was given to me by some dear friends and was made by their neighbor (thank you neighbor).  Second of all, it is filled with soil and herbs planted by Kevin's mom while she was here visiting with us.

This picture is of strawberries that again were planted by Kevin's mom and will absolutely thrill the boys when fruit appears.

I guess I'm seeing a theme here... more flowers planted.

And finally, a gift from one of my old high school friends... so pretty.  I guess I'm yearning for spring and summer, for new life, for sun, for growth, for the future....

Thank you to me dear, dear friends both near and far, met and not met, known and unknown...

Until next time.



Saskia said...

Hello Katie,

Keep enjoying the small things, they are so important... and so beautiful! :)

Lots of love,
Saskia :)

Nati Tristan said...

You are an amazing and strong woman! And nobody expects you to not be drained by the whole situation! But God will help you and I'm happy to know that there are a lot of things that make you happy! God Bless you my friend! :o)

Margreet said...

Keep trying to enjoy the small things in life, are such a strong woman...everything will turn out right, you'll see!....wishing you all the best for now!
xxx Margreet

Bobbi-Lynn said...

I am glad that through all the hard times, you are still able to bring yourself back and focus on the things that bring you happiness. You are in my prayers daily. We have never met, but you have become part of my daily life in my thoughts and prayers. I think you have touched many people, both friends and strangers, in the same way.

Dinahsoar said...

The journey is hard right now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other on the path that is laid out before you. God doesn't always give us enough light to see what is up ahead but he always gives us light enough for the next step so that we will not stumble or fall. Walk by faith, putting your trust in Him, that all will be well.

Let your mantra be 'do the next thing'. That 'next thing' might be a nap or chemo or an outing. Nothing else matters in the moment but the thing you are doing. When it is finished, do the next thing.

Step by step you will travel the path to your destiny.

We all do. But most are not much aware of it.

Those of us who have had cancer or have it--or any life threatening illness-- know the truth of that fact full well.

And that knowledge impacts the way we chose to live.

Whimcees said...

Hello Katie!

The flowers are so beautiful! I love the strawberry jar - those plants are one of nature's works of art! The small red berries will be such fun for the boys!

My heart hurts for you in your struggle. I am glad that you were able to get some of that out - sometimes being strong has to step aside for letting go. You stay strong Katie girl - I pray for you every day.

WIshing you some happy days of just being able to enjoy.


Barbara Diane

Inkyfingers said...

Katie, the way I see it -- you are at your most beautiful today than you ever were.
Stay happy my friend and on the days that you are down, remember that you are an inspiration to me and so many others.

Ted said...

Tantrums, venting, screaming... all okay, Katie. Let nobody tell you differently. But also remember that God isn't finished with you yet. He will see you through this. Rest on Him.

Tricia said...

Hey, Katie - I haven't commented much, but it's not because I'm not thinking of you or praying for you on this journey you're taking - both physcially and spiritually - it's more because I don't have the words to express my love and concern. Your flowers are beautiful, and I pray that there will be some sunshine and warm weather soon for you. Those are always cheering.

Love you!

JenMarie said...

Lovely pictures! Those flowers are GORGEOUS!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

Claire said...

Keep focussing on the future, and the flowers that will be in bloom.
I am sorry you had a bad week but when thing look at their worst, they get better. I love your picture and your garden, it gives hope.
I'm thinking of you all every day ans wish with all my heart that you will get better.
All my love
Claire xxxx

~amy~ said...

keep all the flowery goodness in your heart:) Thinking of you...hang in there!!!!

Elizabeth said...

I don’t know why terrible things happen to us. Have no answers to so many questions but
I know the answer to what helps me with your illness. Coming to your home and trying to
help in any way I can. This is for me and hopefully it gives you and family some comfort.
Seeing the pain you go through and how hard you try to overcome the nausea and discomfort
is amazing. How Kevin cares for you and knows so much about your condition and what
you need. How the little boys adjust to what’s going on around them. Seeing little Nate get fresh water
for his mom in the morning and the smile on his precious little face tugs at my heart.
The loss of your hair has got to be devastating to you and hopefully one day you’ll have it back.
The picture of you, Kevin and Hunter is beautiful, a great memory maker. Right now we as
So thankful you are with us. Hair or no hair, you are needed and loved.
It is Spring and flowers make us all happy and you enjoy and we’ll do something else when
I’m back in May. Love you - Kevin’s mother MIL

judy said...

You are right, your perspective does change when you are battling cancer. I am sure it also shifts depending on where you are in the chemo cycle. You have every right to express whatever you are feeling in whatever way you need to-- tantrum, tears, etc.

I am glad that you know how to appreciate the little things that are actually not so little. Your
courage and strength shine through
no matter where you are in this

{Lynn - that's me!} said...

One day at a time, Katie. Good, bad,'s all that any of us have in which to be thankful. Giving praise for the blessings, and yes, even those things that feel like a curse, will bring light unto you day.

Hugs to you, my friend!

linda said...

Katie, in looking at the lovely pictures of flowers and strawberry plants, it struck me how the beauty comes out of dirt. Dirty, manure filled dirt, where there is so little sign of life or beauty. Yet, out of the dirt comes life and beauty and strength and growth.
Yeah, mourn the dirt and manure, sweet strong Katie, but keep reaching for the sun, and the life and the future.. your beauty shows through. I hope this makes sense, it just struck me how your beauty shows through your suffering, as the stark contrast of flowers and dirt!
I don't know you, but I love you and pray for you and your precious family. without ceasing.

Julia Aston said...

Hi Katie - I'm thinking of you today! I'm glad to see you have all that wonderful new growth around you to cheer you and give you hope.

I bought that Nancy Tillman book you talked about a few posts back - as well as another one of hers - for my nieces with new babies.... what great books - both brought tears to my eyes...

keeping you in prayers GF!

Grandma Nancy said...

Enjoy whatever part of each day that you can. No one can tell you to be happy but whether you have 1 day or 60 years's important to make them be the best you can. We love you and are praying for you and your beautiful family. Hugs!!!

Glenda J said...


jackib said...

Spring is my favorite time of year and I love that your MIL has planted so much goodness to be around you! I hope you will post photos of your boys enjoying those strawberries!! I'm a cherry tomato lover so may have to try those out! Love that container - hmmm...will be on the hunt for that! Hope your day is filled with happiness.

Desiree said...

I check in with you weekly to see how you are doing in your sojourn through this. I don't know you, but I am still proud of the woman you are. You can do this...if not for can do it for your sweet little boys. Someday you will all look back at this a remember the time your faith, hope and courage were challenged...and you will know you came out the victor. Blessings to you Katie.

Donna said...

Hi Katie, you are part of my daily routine now hun, I say to myself, oh I'll just pop over and see how Katie is doing, I've never met you but I pop over like an old neighbour hoping you've had a good day. I try to imagine how life must feel for you but of course I can't, no one can but I'm humbled by your strength and honesty, your insight and your beautiful nature. Your an amazing lady and I'm a better person for getting to know you, even though its only a small part of who you are. You have reminded me to delight in the small things, thank you, big hugs Donna x

Trina said...

Katie..I read your blog daily, although we've never met, I'm inspired by you in SOO many ways and admire you're strengh, outlook, courage, spirit..You have such a soul..Blessings to you and your family..Keep smiling..Trina

IamDerby said...

Keep on keeping on. You can do this! I wish I was close enough to give you a big ole hug. You are in my thoughts daily!

Lorraine said...

Katie, you are so inspiring! You don't know how many hearts you touch. I love your garden bench and that flower bouquet is just gorgeous! Hugs & prayers to you!

Lisa Hjulberg said...

Katie, thank you for giving me perspective. God bless you.


Karen C said...

Thank you for giving me perspective. Every day I check my Reader wondering how you are doing. My heart cries when you are having a bad day. I want to reach out and give you a cyber hug. My heart is warmed on your good days. You deserve them. Thank you for being so honest in your posts. Don't ever think you don't have people thinking and praying for you on a daily basis even if you can't post. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I once heard a quote about Spring that is, I think especially true for mother's of boys. In the Spring you should smell like dirt at the end of the day. Isn't it true?! Spring represents beginnings, blooms, sunshine...

Love and hugs,

Curt in Carmel said...

It's all mental Katie, and with what you are dealing with on a daily basis is had to deal with not only mentally, but physically as well. It has to manifest itself sometime, and a breakdown in the garage obviously was needed. Once again, you have made me realize another aspect of what you are going through that I hadn't thought about before. Your comment about the hair commercials really was an "Ah Ha" moment for me. I never thought about that and how aggravating that has to be for you. I'm sorry Katie. . .Loved the pictures of all the things you shared. That pic of you guys with the Golden Gate Bridge behind you is amazing! Keep fighting dearest one! Best, Curt

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