Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Another day, another week, another month...

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna V, Susan W, Cathy W, Barb B, Laura I, Marie, Ted M, Kathy McC, Robin C, Donna McE x3, Barbara Diane, Kelly S, Victoria N, Lisa R, Diane J, Janice H, Melissa L, Carol J,
Lynn McA, Christi B, Carol U, CardAShare

(again... you are all the most awesome individuals)

*******************************************************

Dear friends,

I know its been a bit and there have been good moments and bad moments since the last time I posted.  I have to be honest and say that Chemo is getting harder and harder each and every time.  I'd have to say that last week was super tough, especially the day of.  It was only number 7 and it was pretty ugly towards the end.  My nausea is getting worse and will definitely be the topic of discussion next week when I see my oncologist.  This picture says it all... brutally honest and no need for descriptives.


As for the rest of me, I hate the fact that I can't control what is happening to my body.  The discoloration that has been very visible on my thumbnails is spreading to the rest of my nails as well as my toe nails. Its just showy, I'm grateful that they aren't falling off or getting infected.  The numbness that is associated with one of the chemo drugs is trying to assert itself.  For the most part my hands are good, but I've noticed tingling in my feet this past week.

Another side effect (which seems weird) but the skin pigment on my hands is turning brownish in color too, just something else that I have no control over. (Don't mind the need for a manicure!)


What else you ask?  Well, a lot of time is spent just feeling sort of there... lethargic, slow, and sort of numb.  Kevin's Mom has been visiting us for the past 2 weeks and its been wonderful.  Unfortunately, she had to leave today and we'll miss her immensely, but I know that her hubby is very much looking forward to her being back home with him.  We are so grateful that he is so generous as to let her go!  Thank you Grandpa!

I've made some calls and am still looking at some other options to help with the nausea, but its literally tiring to think about planning.  I have lots of friends that are willing to help with the boys and such, but making sure they have someone to watch them or somewhere for them to be is just depressing.  In order for me to get where I need/want to go with or without Kevin, it still means coordinating somewhere for the boys to be and yes, its tiring and yes, I get tired of asking for help, and yes, I get tired of being needy.  With that said though, I can't express enough the help that we do get and the generosity of our friends and family.

Well, that's it for me, I'm seriously tired... can you hear me sigh?  Thank you for bearing with me today and I promise I'll be more upbeat next time!  

Until then...

-Katie

42 comments:

Eden said...

Sis, I love you so much. I'm sorry this is all so tiring and that it's a part of your new reality. I'll be there for you no matter what. You've been everything for me and there's just no way to repay you for how wonderful a sister you are to me.

Louise Williams said...

aww hunee, things are always darkest before the dawn... vent as you need to, we're listening <3

Louise Williams said...

aww hunee, things are always darkest before the dawn... vent as you need to, we're listening <3

judy said...

Chemo does make you feel like it has
taken over your body and whole being.
So sorry for the discomfort that it
causes you. No need to promise to be
cheery unless it is how you feel. I
certainly hope you are feeling better
very soon.

Becky Sorensen said...

I know that you are feeling poopie- but I am here and even if we have to coordinate switching car seats so the twins can ride with me when I take Calvie to school, its ok. I know it has been hard on you dropping them here and there, but we love them and I treat them like my own and try to be here for them- that's what I can do, especially since I cook like crap and would probably give you all food poisoning and I can't fold my own laundry!!!! hahaha See you in the am!!!

Joan B said...

and yet you took the time to make and send a card to my mom. good grief, you amaze me. maybe the chemo is worse because it is working even harder!!! that's my strong belief. it is your army. sorry it is taking such a horrible toll. a thousand hugs

Whimcees said...

Dear Katie,

I have thought of you every day and send prayers that you were hanging in there this week. One gets so tired of being tired I know, and losing independence and control of caring for your family is so hard. There is always that fine line of being grateful for the love and help from your family and friends but weary of being the one needing help and wanting to do it all yourself.

You can do it Katie! Be strong! You are in my heart and I send good wishes to you every day.

Wishing you some good days so you can rest and get your balance back. If it helps to sit in the middle to the room and yell "I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!" you do it. Your family will understand. Sometimes that release of the built up anger, frustration and fear helps. I know that I do hate it for you!

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Jak Heath said...

Well I think that nail colour could be turned to your advantage, just become a goth or an Emo and people will think it's trendy.

I cant wave a magic want to make all of this go away but I am always there if you need to chat or shout or scream.

Do look at it as asking for help, look at it as letting people lend a hand, you know Katie other folk feel quite helpless when all they want to do is take the damned thing away for you so by letting them lend a hand they then feel that they are doing something constructive, so in turn you are helping them.
Love you Katie.

Cassie said...

I'm sure I would be the same way about people helping or even asking for help. It's hard to let people, even when we really need it. Believe it or not, people are probably more blessed by helping you than you are by them helping if that makes any sense. You are never far from my mind or prayers, Katie.

Nati Tristan said...

I'm so sorry to read about you not feeling well. I understand partially how you feel since (like i told you) i have ovarian cancer and need to go through surgery once more and then the chemo starts for me. I don't think I'll have many sessions. I hope you feel better.. even though I completely understand that at times it seems impossible. Just please keep your faith. At points I would just want to scream! Yell what I was feeling.. Do that.. Cry if you must.. relieve all that you have in you. God will soon show you light my friend. Bless you! And I pray that you continue to be strong and that you get out of this quickly!

Linda said...

Katie, I just want you to know that I am so sorry that you have been so sick. If I could, I would fix everything for you and for your family.
I hope it helps to know that I am
praying for you day and night, what I want is honesty so I know how to pray..not a forced upbeat face!
Hugs to you, and love.

Daizee said...

Katie, you are an amazing woman. You go ahead and complain. You are entitled to yell and scream and hate what you are going through. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you feel better soon. Keep up the hard work, it will be worth it!
Karen

{Lynn - that's me!} said...

Oh Katie - you are such a trouper and an inspiration to all those "warriors" out there fighting the hard battle. I pray for you daily that you find the tiny joys in even the hardest moments. Love you!

Emily Painter-Davis said...

My heart breaks for you when you have a bad day. I'm so sorry! But I so love that you share with us so we can lift you up.
God says if you have a problem, cry out to him and he will lift you up. Katie - we love you.
God Loves you and your family too.

Love and hugs,
Emily

p.s. - complain. Scream. Whatever you need to do. But just as you would do anything for someone you love, so shall the people around you continue to cater to you in whatever way they can.

Margie H said...

Hey, Katie!

Emily worded my feelings and others so well. Thanks, Emily!

You know you can always depend on friends for help and/or vent - it's in our job description.

Gentle hugs to you, my dear sweet Katie!! xo

Kelly S. said...

I say let people help out because I have this sneaking suspicion that you would be the first in line to be the helper if somebody needed you:) Your kindness just draws people in, Katie! I hope that days of feeling better are straight ahead! Hugs....

Geny (Mommy Geny) said...

Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes sweet girl! Hoping for better days ahead.

paola said...

My heart goes out to you in this trying time Katie, i see your fingernails and recall how mine fell off, fingers and toes, my hair didnt fall out though. I got terrible thrush throughout my body, all the bad side effects, the only upshot that i have to share darling is that i am still HERE twelve years later, so its all worth it. Chin up, you are in my prayers all the way in South Africa.
smiles and hugs
Paola

Dinahsoar said...

My heart hurts for you...I know you are suffering, going through this chemo, fighting for your life. You've come a long way and have further to go. Keep on fighting. And while you fight the rest of us will pray and whisper 'there is hope, there is hope'. May the God of all comfort be a comfort to you now.

Barb said...

Katie - still praying for you. Sorry this is so hard on you. Sending you some big cyber hugs,

Laura Isham said...

Oh Katie, my heart hurts for the discomfort that you are going through right now. I'm tired just reading about what you are going through. Hang in there! It WILL get better.

Saskia said...

Katie,

I'm sending you a BIG hug, from over the ocean... Take care!

Lots of love, Saskia

Toni said...

Hunny xxxx your doing so well let them help sending you huge hugs this is a dark dip and its brighter round the next bend xxx

cbuswell said...

Thinking of you, hoping you feel a bit better soon and that the nausea improves. x

Grandma Nancy said...

I can actually feel the nausea and tiredness in your words!! I'm so sorry! I'm praying this will be worth it and one day we will all be reminiscing about you going through this and being grateful that you made it!!! Positive thoughts, as always.

Robyn said...

I feel so sad for you! After the rain the sun will shine through....that's what I think.Love and hugs to you Robyn

Linda Borneman said...

Hi Katie girl!
I am so sorry that you are bearing all this discomfort and suffering without any relief for your nausea. And I agree with Cassie that when you ask for help, you are really giving a blessing to those who are helping...it is a joy to help a friend when they need a hand, so don't tire of asking. If I lived closer I'd come and sit and talk and hug and pray with you! Or take the boys out to Chuck E Cheese and a movie...But know that you are in my prayers and you keep fighting Katie, even when you're tired...you have come so far and many prayers are being lifted up for you, so you have faith and believe that you're going to get better. It is a good thing to release and let go all your frustrations and thoughts and when you do, we can pray all the more effectively for you. You hang in there, sweet friend.

Allison said...

I know it sucks asking for help but believe me, all of us out here wished we lived right on your block so we could just pop on over and babysit. And your closest friends and relatives feel the same way. They hate that this is happening to you...to all of you. If merely helping out with the logistics of your life is something they can help with, I am sure it gives them solace.

My in-laws would have gone mental when my Avery was having open heart surgery. Thankfully, they were so busy with my older two that they could not worry as much! Moreover, they knew that helping us that way was such a boon that it helped them too.

I got help from total strangers (one family from preschool made us a whole dinner and passed it off to me without me even catching their name!), online friends, work colleagues and family. I hated asking (or feeling indebted or worried that I inconvenienced them) but later they told me it felt good to feel wanted.

The last thing you need to pile on to your own physical and mental distress is this factor. Please let yourself have a break on that one. And logistics, even when you're ill, just seems to be a mother's lot, ain't it? Jeebus, even though I am sick right now, I don't think anything my kids required would get done...my husband forgets everything (even for himself)!

Good luck Katie. You have a whole community pulling for you and your family!

AShu93 said...

I was sad to see that you think you're needy. Not at all! I hope you realize that your friends & family are glad to do whatever they can for you & don't see you as being needy at all. It makes them feel like they are able to do something in a situation they have no control over. If they can give you just one less thing to worry about, you should take it for the gift it is. Hugs.

donna calamari said...

Oh Katie. I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. It breaks my heart that you have to go through so so much. Although I don't know your friends, I DO know that they want to help you. I have had friends who have gone thru chemo and I was never anything but honored to be able to help with their kids. Your friends want so badly to help you and taking care of your kids gives them that opportunity. Hope this helps a little.

Curt in Carmel said...

Hey Kiddo. . .it was nice to see that you visited me. I'm always honored when you do. Don't sweat the post this time. I love your honesty, and if you feel like crap, or you are depressed or fatigued then that is the way it is. No need to color it rosey for me or anybody else. I can't even come close to imagining what you are going through. I just know that it would play major hell in my life if I had to go through it, and that part I totally understand. It would drive me nuts to find someone to take care of "my boys", and I would be depressed to have to do it too. So you having your sweet twins to worry about is majorly frustrating. All I can say is I'm sorry. . .sorry that this is happening to you and your family, sorry that it seems to be getting harder, sorry for it all. If I lived close to you, you can bet I'd be there to help in any way I could. But I'm not there, so the only thing I can do is pray and hope for better days to come for you. Hang in there and just keep trying to get through this. I'm rooting for you. . .my best to you, the kids, and your sweet hubby. Curt

Anonymous said...

Katie you are such an inspiration, hope things improve for you soon, much love, Pauline xx

Lee said...

You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.Lee in UK.xxxxx

Jesi said...

Please accept all my support and healing thoughts for you.

Jacqueline (Sjakkie) said...

Kate I wish you felling better soon!
Big hugs, Jacqueline

Lori said...

Oh Katie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Chemo just sucks. I haven't been through it myself but several people close to me have been so I've see what you are going through and all I can say is I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Lori

Gina said...

Hi sweetheart. Sorry to hear your feeling so rough at the moment. I know it may sound silly, but have you tried getting someone in to do some meditation exercises with you, just to help relax your brain a bit? I know your illness is attacking your body, but your brain is the one thats doing all the hard work. XXX

LouLou said...

Katie, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I had words to comfort you ... my thoughts are with you and your family.
Healing wishes across the Ocean ...

christine said...

I so wish I could take this all away for you sweetie ;)

Sparkly Pink Star said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so sick, wishing you feel better soon :) Hugs x

Lorraine said...

Katie, I wish I could take away some of your pain. Please know that a lot of prayers and thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what or if your doctor has you on anything for nausea or what kind of medical you have but if you have good perscription coverage you might want to ask about zofran they normaly have you try other things (that are alot cheaper and dont work as well ) because this can be over 1000 for each RX BUT with my medical it was only $7.00 and Without medical costco has it for $33.00 but most doctors dont know you can find it so cheap so wont even offer it , hope it helps

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