Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Eternity

Dear friends,

So this is the truth, I'm so incredibly tired physically and mentally that the other day I was so sad that tears didn't even come.  You know, its all the usual suspects and yes, life goes on which I'm grateful for, but just realizing that  its only been just shy of 3 months and yet it feels like an eternity.  I applaud so many of you out there with chronic illnesses that continue the fight whatever it may be.

I know it seems so ironic that I should feel like this when I just received such good news just last week, but this round of chemo was even harder than the last one.  Every morning my oldest tells me that he's sorry that I don't feel any better and it hurts me to have to hear him say that to me.  He doesn't know what else to say or how else to respond and really is there any other way?  I tell him its ok, but its not.  There is such heart ache out there and its so incredibly sad, sad, sad.

It has been interesting for me because ever since I shared the positive swing of events, you all have been right there cheering me on and sharing in such good news, but I just haven't been able to literally express the same enthusiasm, excitement, and joy that you have.  Don't get me wrong, there was NO better news that we could have received, ok, we could have, but you know what I mean.  Even with the good news, I physically feel the same and I physically look the same and at this point my future is the same.

At this very moment, I'm having a hard time dealing with the never ending quality of what the future holds.  I WISH there was an end... a good end... an end that I was guaranteed.  Time has such a duality to it.  On the one hand time seems like bliss and yet on the other hand it seems like torture.

I want to thank all you prayer warriors out there that have taken up my cause, it is doing good and I know you will continue to duke it for me!  I'm so appreciative of every kind thought and prayer that is said for me and my family.

Ok, enough of that (shaking my head)... I was able to do a bit of crafting before my last treatment which was number 6 and I made a treat box and put some candies in it for the nurses at the infusion center.  I then used another fundraiser image to decorate it.  Template can be found from Papertrey ink as well as the background stamps.


Until next time.

-Katie

34 comments:

Nati Tristan said...

I will continue to pray! I hope that our emotional health gets better as well. :o) God is amazing and will never leave you.

Robyn said...

I bet they LOVED that FAB treat box Katie!! What a hilarious image! I think it is fine to feel what you feel and certainly good to share exactly how you feel with us.You have been through so much ...so no wonder your emotions are taking their time to catch up!! I continue to be one of those praying for you and sending you a cyberhug!

Shell said...

Big hugs, Katie. I continue to pray in earnest for you. I would say that there's nothing more that I can do, but honestly, prayer is the most powerful weapon in the battle. I lift you up and pray that action somehow lifts your spirits. I am cheering you on, weeping with you, and thinking sbout you all the time. I feel so helpless, but I know that He can do infinitely more than I could dream of doing. So again, I lift you up to Him, knowing that He can give you comfort and peace. Sending love your way.

sweet craf-tea chick said...

sorry i have not been around in awhile. you have definitely been in my thoughts. stay strong and know we're rooting for you. big *hugs* steph

Chef Mama Lori said...

Honey, your job is to get well and rest when you aren't throwing up. YOU are doing your job AMAZINGLY well! We'll do all the hoopla until your body catches up to what your head knows to be true. I am SO proud of you. I can't believe you are up to crafting. That in itself speaks volumes about your fight in the midst of your weariness. I just love you to bits Miss Katie!

Keeping up the prayers for you in San Antonio!

Sue from Oregon said...

Katie, I am amazed that you can craft with the debilitating side effects of this chemo. You are amazing and strong!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe in YOUR time of need, you are still creating for others. You truly are an amazing person with such a gift. Although I am a perfect stranger to you, you have touched me in a way I can't even explain. I will continue to follow your journey, highs & lows, and will be thinking of you and praying for you often.

Jacqueline (Sjakkie) said...

Wow, what a beautiful box have you made for the nurse, so sweet of you!
My thoughts are with you Katie and I hope that you are feeling better soon!
Hugs Jacqueline

Joan B said...

that treat box is adorable. how kind of you.

it just isn't fair. I can feel how miserable you feel and am hoping that the respite from chemo and the upcoming trip provide you and your family with happiness.

IamDerby said...

I'm sorry Katie. Sending you big hugs and lots of love

Barb said...

Katie - you are such an inspiration. I pray for you every day.

Hugs, Barb

Emily Painter-Davis said...

I know your energy will come back. Until then, bask in the love!
Meanwhile I bet those nurses LOVE you!

Hugs...
Em

~amy~ said...

I have to echo what everybody has commented about...stay strong...

Your treat box is so fun, that's so sweet of you to make it for the nurses...

Ted said...

Katie, you don't know what the future holds, but hopefully you know who holds the future. Trust that He is listening to each and every prayer. You will get through this, but only with the help God can provide. Stay strong!

Your post reminded me of the movie Steel Magnolias... I was sad reading the first part, but that emotion turned to chuckling when I saw that adorable box! LOL! Great sentiment... I'm sure the nurses will laugh out loud. :) You're a sweetheart for doing it.

God's with you and your family. Always.

Cassie said...

You are such a reminder of strength and how every moment with our precious children is precious all it's own. I pray for your battles. ..everyone of them whether they are physical or emotional.

Your treat box cracks me up, and I'm sure the nurses got a kick out of it too ;)

Whimcees said...

Hello!

I thought that with a week gone by and no post from you that it was a difficut time and I am so sorry that you have been feeling so unwell Katie! You are fighting such a difficult battle mentally and physically. I wish you a much better week and I pray for you and your family every day. Stay strong Katie girl!

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Lorie said...

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you ...and your family! Sometimes in life we must just exist on the strength of Jesus, our friends, and our family. Hold onto all that strength and love! HUGS!

Candy F. said...

I am so proud of you! Even when you are feeling bad, you still put others first. Your strength inspires me and I truly wish I could take away your pain. Sending you much love and hugs.

Gina said...

Oh sweetheart. I just want to come over there and give you a great big hug, and tell you everything is going to be ok. BUT if you keep giving the doctors and nurses such fabulous gifts...... it's hardly an incentive to get you out of there is it? :)
I know it's awful at the moment, but chin up and keep smiling!! Happy thoughts and smiles release good chemicals, and every little helps :D XXX

Donna C said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that you are getting comfort from the fact that you are responding so well to the chemo. Here with you on the blog.

Kathy said...

Hi Katie,
My post is going to echo what many have said already...I'm praying for you and what I pray most is that you will come to accept Jesus as your Savior and Lord. With Jesus you get His strength. With Jesus you get His arms wrapped around you 24/7. With Jesus there is a peace that only He can give! I have to say I admire you so very much for even wanting to create in the midst of this fight. But at the same time, I know creating is therapy. Thank you for sharing your life, your thoughts and your creativity!
Hugs,
Kathy

Diane S said...

You are on such a roller coaster. Enjoy your good days, cry on the not so good. And then take your next step.
Praying for you.

Cathy said...

Hi Katie,
I LOVE your treat box you created!
YOU ARE amazing!
You have to be incredibly strong to be traveling the road you and your family are on. You certainly inspire me,- and everyone you come into contact with I'm sure - with your courage.
Hugs xo
Cathy

judy said...

I understand the duality of
which you speak. The news is good
but you can't quite feel it on a day
to day basis with the effects of
chemo and your body not feeling or
looking like you want it to. Sending
caring thoughts your way!!

susanc said...

I'm so sorry that you are not feeling well Katie. I know from other family members who have gone through chemo, of what a roller-coaster ride it is. I continue to pray for you and your family. xxx

Kelly S. said...

Hoping that your rough chemo patch will be over soon, Katie! You have been dealing with these ups and downs better than I ever could! Even on these rough days you still inspire (and manage to put a smile on my fave with that hilarious nursey treat box...like her St. Patty's Day errr, scrubs? :)

BishopsMommie said...

oh baby girl, I so hate that you or anyone else has to ever experience anything as torturous as this, my heart goes out to you. I know they always say everything happens for a reason but I don't get it, I wish I was there to comfort you any way that I can. I work here in a childrens hospital in the operating room, and I know we do lots of fixing , but we do lots of other things too that you know won't end well and it saddens me to no extent. Even though I haven't expereienced this first hand I see it and wonder Gods reasoning behind it. know that I am praying for you.

Mary Friederichsen said...

Adorable, no...hysterical treat box Katie!! I bet the nurses loved it,and I bet that they showed it to other patients to bring a smile or a chuckle to them as well! :D

You know you shouldn't feel bad about the feelings that you are having even after have such great news the other day. There is still the unknown, and the fact that this unknown affects your children. It is only right that as a Mom that would make you angry. As a Mom you want to protect your kids both physically AND emtionally. And when you have no control over it,that would only be natural to be angry and sad.
And when you are tired and not just physically tired,but emtionally as well it is hard to stay uplifted and positive. So we will keep praying for you and your children AND Kevin. And you just relax and allow those prayers to lift you up! Try to imagine yourself laying on those prayers like a feather bed,and as you float all the worry and sadness falls away and you become lighter as they do! And the warmth of the sun feels good on your face! ( now I know you live in or near seattle so you will just have to pretend! tehe!) (Oh and since you are pretending,don't forget the sunscreen! :D )

We will keep up our work of fighting with prayer,and you just keep up your work of fighting with the chemo!
As they say "be realistic,Expect a Miracle!"

Blessings and Hugs,
Mary

Grandma Nancy said...

That's the point of friends!!! We will keep praying and we will support you/carry you when you feel you can't do it!! Don't give up!!! I know it is difficult but you are strong. Feel better sweet friend!!

Sheri said...

Oh sweet Katie. My prayers continue and I so hope you feel a bit better soon. This will have a glorious end to it sooner or later. You just can't see around the bend as yet. Know that love is coming your way and surrounding you

Becky Jo said...

Katie, you have been so honest thru this whole thing about your feelings. That in itself is amazing! Being able to post and put into words the way your life is now and the way you feel at any given moment is so special - just like you! You are a part of my life now and I felt sure you were going thru some bad times with no post. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily as well as your family. Keep your chin up and one day this will all be a memory. Looking forward to that day with you! BIG HUGS!!!!!

Orchard said...

Katie, hang in there. The chemo is really working and it is also making you feel sick, but in time you will feel better. When you feel sick, though, it feels like you will never feel better, but you will. Take it one day at a time. You can make it through today, and right now, that is all you need to get through. You can do this. You've got cheerleaders who pray for you and truly wishing the very best for you. We're all praying that the tumors keep shrinking, and that your body will heal from the chemo. Take it one day at a time. The healing is coming.

jackib said...

I love when you post your feelings to us, Katie - good, bad or otherwise. Of course, I would much rather hear that you're feeling really good, but I think it's good that you can "vent" to us all. My heart breaks for you and your family. Orchard says to take it one day at a time - go even a little further with one and go one hour at a time, or one minute at a time. My best thoughts are with you, girl. Peace.

Curt in Carmel said...

I think I've come up with the perfect analogy for what you are talking about. How's this. . .You've been unemployed for months and then someone tells you they have a job for you. So, that is great news. However when you get there, they tell you it is shoveling pig poop. . .good you have a job, but the job isn't so great and you can't wait till you can do something else. How's that for an analogy???? So I hope this demonstrates that I know what you are talking about. I'm diabetic and am having a hard time regulating my blood sugar. I know what I have to do, but it's not something I want to do (eat right and exercise) but that is the shoveling pig poop until it gets regulated. . .So I can relate to how you are feeling. Love you candy box for the nurses. I'm sure they love you as much as we all do out here in blogland. Hang in there Kiddo! Best, Curt

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