Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Buckle your seat belts, it might be a rough landing

Today's Shout Outs:

Calliezant, Angy H, Anna A, Wendy T, Christopher D, Mary N, Pat D, Anita A, Saskia I, Christi B,
Janine B, Jodi C, Chris and Craig, Jennifer S

***********************************************************

Dear friends,

The landing is always a bit patchy when climbing through the fog.  Its in and out, good and bad, and just ugly.  As the days pass after chemo, bits and pieces of each day are good and some parts just get lost for good.

The usual suspects seem to be at play, but it appears that they don't always want to play by the same rules.  This round of chemo was slightly different as to how I was affected.  One thing I must interject here though is that after round 2 and 3, I can honestly say that I feel like a "normal" person with a cancer diagnosis versus back at the hospital and for round 1 of chemo I was a "very sick" personal with a cancer diagnosis.  I am grateful to be able to label myself as the latter.  It makes life much more livable.  My stomach is causing me grief anymore, in fact, I've gained weight... go figure.  I've never been the one to get sick (normal sick) and not be able to eat.  In fact, I guess I just wasn't sick up to this point!  Seriously, I maybe called into work sick one or two days in my entire working history!

For this round, I had the fatigue for sure.  Those droopy eyes the first two, three, four days are tough.  Too bad I don't get any extra bonus life points for sad puppy dog eyes.  Last time around, the nausea was practically non-existent, this time around is was just always hanging on down low in my stomach.  Nothing that caused any real bother, but it was there trying to gnaw its way up.  Then, along with this round, I was very sore/tender around my lower head  neck, jaw, and shoulder area.  It was one of those don't rub me today type of soreness and thankfully not pain.  No soreness last time, but leg aches the first time.  Who knows?

And my silver lining went away... remember the lack of menstruation?  Well, it can take "time" to get to that point!  Positive - the silver lining will be back.

Nail discoloration is stable.  It cropped its head up last round, but it has stayed stable to only my thumbnails.  I'll take it and won't complain.  This one could get worse, but we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

And finally, this is the week to start those neupongen shots which almost everyone (my chemo possy) end's up needing due to the whole process of chemo.  What a racket huh?  Don't get me wrong, I will shoot up, but still what a racket.  As I mentioned before, we decided to do home shots versus going to the infusion center 3 times a week, but that meant we had to go to the pharmacy and pick up our goods.  Well, the pharmacy ordered the right stuff, just not the right packaging.  My prescription is to have pre-filled needles and wham bam thank you ma'am, you're done.  What we got were bottles that we could only use 1/2 of and the chance to buy $5 worth of  comfort guaranteed needles.  Let me insert that it was insulting to have to buy those needles and my regular pharmacist would never have charged us since it was their error.  Enough said!

I had my first shot on Monday and will work off a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule skipping the Friday after chemo.  The shot wasn't bad at all... remember, I said I'd gained some weight so I have a nice stomach roll and it wasn't bad at all.  Kevin and I used to give our dog shots (he was diabetic) every morning and night.  Now I know how he feels!  And I did have the distinction of having gestational diabetes with the twins so I get the whole finger pricking thing too... not fun.  Its amazing how needles have a very dichotomous purpose.

So far, I don't think I've specifically felt anything relating to the shots (clapping those hands).

Another thing I've been contemplating is purpose.  Kevin was gently getting on me to be more of a fighter.  I understand what he means and I don't think that in any way shape or form, I'm wallowing, but during these early days its very, very, very, easy for me to just lay, not just lay to sleep, but just lay.  Does that make sense to you?

Everyone that we have read about or heard about has always said that you must have at least one goal to accomplish each day whether it be big or small.  My question is should my goals be more lofty during the hardest times or during the easy times.  I'm not sure.  I also think this idea of goals is also very pertinent to the idea of purpose too.

I still feel like I'm sort of bouncing around and yes we are getting into a routine, but our routine is by no means normal or regular feeling.  I don't often think about the "why me?", but I do consider it in a different manner.  I do lay in bed and think "how did I get here?", "what happened?", and I still dream about false prognosis, and alternative life paths.

And I do totally realize I'm rambling here, but to be truthful that's how feel... all sort of rambly, but enough said now.  I really want to create something, maybe tomorrow after blood draw.

Until next time.

-Katie

21 comments:

Novice Naturalist said...

Hi Katie,

I think posting a blog entry daily is quite a lofty goal, good enough for any of your days. I hope tomorrow brings lots of energy and lifted fog. Thinking of you often. Jay

Joan B said...

Wow, you have so much going on to process. We are all thinking of you, pulling for you in the short and long term. Hugs

Steph Mitchell said...

I am having a lie down on my bed now and I am not having chemo treatment so I think you are well entitled to let your body rest and heal.

I agree that a blog entry is a great goal. Do you have friends helping out? Maybe a simple 'thank you' card could be an extra if you're feeling the need to be creative.

Marg said...

You ramble away all you want, I'm sure it's good to write those thoughts down and it sure is humbling for me to read. Take Care!

~amy~ said...

ramble away...seriously! If you ask me...blog posting is a hefty goal....kudos to you!!!

Ted said...

Katie, being a Christian, I don't believe in coincidences. For example: It was no coincidence that you were given a dog that would need regular injections and therefore you and Kevin had to develop that skill. There's a purpose in everything and everything has a purpose. I truly believe that.

As far as goals, pray on it. I'm not sure if you're Christian or not, but just pray for goals. Maybe the goal is creating sandwiches for your family one day so you all can have an (indoor) picnic. Maybe it's to make a card. Whatever it is... pray on it.

As I continually pray for you.

Barb said...

Keep posting Katie! It's good to get your thoughts and feelings out there. Plus I really enjoy hearing how you are doing! You are a SUPERSTAR!!!!

Hugs, Barb

Cassie said...

I would have to agree with Ted up above me, there are no coincidences, Katie. I've never been through what you are doing, but I would bet that the goal some days is just to survive it, and by that I mean staying positive. I have pity parties for myself for having a bum shoulder, and believe me I can through a fantastic pity party, haha. Do what you need to do to make each day count for you, and I will keep praying. I love ya, Katie :)

Tricia said...

Ted's advice is sound. Pray about your goals, and maybe have some in view for the "hard times" before they happen. When our body shuts down to heal, it's really hard to even think of anything productive! Maybe after praying and thinking about it and talking it over with Kevin, you could write a list of doable goals for "those days" that you could choose from.

I am so proud of you, Katie! You are such an inspiration to me. I'm praying for you!!!

Brenda said...

Wow, from my perspective you are amazingly positive and upbeat Katie! Give yourself some credit! You and Kevin both are going to see the "bad" day rear it's ugly head, but find strength to carry on from those "good" days!! I like the goal idea but it should be a goal that you own and something that makes you feel purposeful. Hey some days my goal is just to get up on time!! I'm so humbled about life because of you and about what really matters! Thank you for that gift my friend!!

Whimcees said...

Hi Katie,

I am so happy to see your post!

It is difficult when in a "waiting game" and also feeling so ill and tired to not find yourself in a sort of limbo state that becomes your normal. You are a brave young woman who is fighting the fight and you are certainly not a whimp! But your husband is right - you do need to fight with mental/physical activity also. Set an active goal for each day and if you cannot reach it that's not a big deal - just go on to the next day's goal and try again, but keep that brain/body occupied in some activity - small is good. :<)

You and your family are in my prayers Ms. Katie. Wishing you a good day today. Stay strong.

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

I love you dear friend. Thank you so much for sharing your "ramblings".

Thinking again of you today.

:-)

jackib said...

It was only two days since you last posted but I've really missed hearing from you! I'm happy you find the strength to post on your blog to keep us all in the loop with your unchosen journey. I think there is nothing wrong with "just" laying....both your body and your mind need the rest and a well deserved rest it is. Think of your goals as you lay there...when you have more strength and stamina to accomplish those goals. Take good care of yourself, Katie. Looking forward to your next post. :)

Holly said...

Katie,

I agree with all those who have mentioned your blog posts as goals. It's a record for you for later, when you can look back and see how far you've come. It's a way of sharing your experiences with all of us "out here" and a blessing to each of us to be able to stop and read and rethink our own areas of life we can/should be working on. I also agree with the pray about it thought. Whether you're religious or not, you can ponder/meditate on what you want for daily/weekly goals to help you at this time. It may change from day to day even.

And I do understand, to a very small extent, your comment about having days where you "just lay". I had a lot of those after several surgeries over the years. Sometimes your mind won't shut down long enough for a decent rest, so you just lay and rest, and recoup and deal with it that way until you find you actually can sleep, or get up, or play, or whatever you can do.

Good to read your post today!
- Holly in SoCal

Curt in Carmel said...

Hey Kiddo! It is so understandable to want to "lay around". Just understand the reason for it. Is it because you are truly tired, are you just feeling lazy, is it because of depression, etc. But whatever the reason, use it for something in the fight. While just laying there, try some mental imaging. I so believe in it and the brain's amazing powers that are yet understood. Sometimes when I have a headache or body ache, I will lay quietly with my eyes closed and visualize a white beam of light penetrating the area that hurts or is giving me problems. And I concentrate on that image hard for as long as I can, clearing my mind of anything but that beam of light coming through the ceiling and going right into where I hurt. It is amazing how many times it has helped, and amazing how many times I fall asleep with this image in my head and wake up to feeling better. There are a ton of people that believe in the positive affects of visualization. So if you are just going to "lay around", put that to use and visualize that beam going right into your stomach. Always keep fighting. No matter what the tool, ABF (always be fighting). Sending hugs and visions of white light! Best, Curt

Saskia said...

Take care Katie!! So many thing I want to say to you... but my english isn't that good to express my feelings (dutch girl from Belgium). But please know that you're in my thoughts!!

BIG hug, Saskia :)

Becky Sorensen said...

Even though I saw you an hour ago, and have talked to you three days in a row (LOL) and I think I have already said this, but, Its ok to have up and down days, you are going to, and we, as your cheering section, are going to be at your side, holding your hand and lifting you up. You ARE a fighter, I have seen it, heard it for the last months - I love what Curt says - he has some wisdom there!
Ok ? Oh and as soon as your mail gets there Monday and the girls get home, I am coming over to play!!!! hahaha
hugs,
the flaker down the road

Donna said...

Hi again Katie, I think it is great that you are continually writing in your blog, that alone is a goal. Everyday I pop over to see how your doing and I'm praying that this day will be a good one for you. Big Hugs to you, Donna x

Debbie Nelson said...

Love your blog...you are such an inspiration and so positive...This is my second battle with cancer...first being eleven years ago. Writing and card making have been my therapy during this time. I began this second battle in December 2009. I know what you mean about sometimes just having to lie around...I had my 24th chemo treatment on Monday...some nights after chemo, I am unable to even close my eyes, due to the steroids that I receive before my infusion....not complaining..good prayer and thinking time. I think of all that I want to do the next day, but have had to accept the fact that the ole body isn't always able to do what the mind wants it to. My sister suggested that I write down things that I want to do or goals for the day and draw one of the slips of paper out of the jar and do it...I think we did this alot with chores when we were kids. Don't be hard on yourself..your body will tell you when you need to rest and give your body the strength to fight this. My motto is "Fight Like a Girl"! I keep my pink gloves on and continue fighting. I know that God is in control and that He is good and is good all the time. I know that I will, as I did with my first time, come out of this a stronger person...I have learned alot and know now what the important things are in life...and I treasure my family and friends more and more each day. Hoping you have a great week.

Hugs and prayers,
Debbie

Sue Ann said...

Sending you tons of hugs for you Kevin and the kiddies. Do what feels right for Katie. Use that inner voice that spoke to you when you were a new mom .... you know what you need to do for you ..... just listen... you will do what is right for you and keep up getting it out .... FIGHT GIRL FIGHT!!!!

lilabber said...

Go Katie Go, we arent holding your hand in person but we are holding you up in our hearts. You'll know the right thing to do for you and you will do it. I am glad that you are sharing your experience and hopefully the people who read your blog will keep rooting for you and ....Hugs Abby

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