Buckle your seat belts, it might be a rough landing

Today's Shout Outs:

Calliezant, Angy H, Anna A, Wendy T, Christopher D, Mary N, Pat D, Anita A, Saskia I, Christi B,
Janine B, Jodi C, Chris and Craig, Jennifer S

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Dear friends,

The landing is always a bit patchy when climbing through the fog.  Its in and out, good and bad, and just ugly.  As the days pass after chemo, bits and pieces of each day are good and some parts just get lost for good.

The usual suspects seem to be at play, but it appears that they don't always want to play by the same rules.  This round of chemo was slightly different as to how I was affected.  One thing I must interject here though is that after round 2 and 3, I can honestly say that I feel like a "normal" person with a cancer diagnosis versus back at the hospital and for round 1 of chemo I was a "very sick" personal with a cancer diagnosis.  I am grateful to be able to label myself as the latter.  It makes life much more livable.  My stomach is causing me grief anymore, in fact, I've gained weight... go figure.  I've never been the one to get sick (normal sick) and not be able to eat.  In fact, I guess I just wasn't sick up to this point!  Seriously, I maybe called into work sick one or two days in my entire working history!

For this round, I had the fatigue for sure.  Those droopy eyes the first two, three, four days are tough.  Too bad I don't get any extra bonus life points for sad puppy dog eyes.  Last time around, the nausea was practically non-existent, this time around is was just always hanging on down low in my stomach.  Nothing that caused any real bother, but it was there trying to gnaw its way up.  Then, along with this round, I was very sore/tender around my lower head  neck, jaw, and shoulder area.  It was one of those don't rub me today type of soreness and thankfully not pain.  No soreness last time, but leg aches the first time.  Who knows?

And my silver lining went away... remember the lack of menstruation?  Well, it can take "time" to get to that point!  Positive - the silver lining will be back.

Nail discoloration is stable.  It cropped its head up last round, but it has stayed stable to only my thumbnails.  I'll take it and won't complain.  This one could get worse, but we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

And finally, this is the week to start those neupongen shots which almost everyone (my chemo possy) end's up needing due to the whole process of chemo.  What a racket huh?  Don't get me wrong, I will shoot up, but still what a racket.  As I mentioned before, we decided to do home shots versus going to the infusion center 3 times a week, but that meant we had to go to the pharmacy and pick up our goods.  Well, the pharmacy ordered the right stuff, just not the right packaging.  My prescription is to have pre-filled needles and wham bam thank you ma'am, you're done.  What we got were bottles that we could only use 1/2 of and the chance to buy $5 worth of  comfort guaranteed needles.  Let me insert that it was insulting to have to buy those needles and my regular pharmacist would never have charged us since it was their error.  Enough said!

I had my first shot on Monday and will work off a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule skipping the Friday after chemo.  The shot wasn't bad at all... remember, I said I'd gained some weight so I have a nice stomach roll and it wasn't bad at all.  Kevin and I used to give our dog shots (he was diabetic) every morning and night.  Now I know how he feels!  And I did have the distinction of having gestational diabetes with the twins so I get the whole finger pricking thing too... not fun.  Its amazing how needles have a very dichotomous purpose.

So far, I don't think I've specifically felt anything relating to the shots (clapping those hands).

Another thing I've been contemplating is purpose.  Kevin was gently getting on me to be more of a fighter.  I understand what he means and I don't think that in any way shape or form, I'm wallowing, but during these early days its very, very, very, easy for me to just lay, not just lay to sleep, but just lay.  Does that make sense to you?

Everyone that we have read about or heard about has always said that you must have at least one goal to accomplish each day whether it be big or small.  My question is should my goals be more lofty during the hardest times or during the easy times.  I'm not sure.  I also think this idea of goals is also very pertinent to the idea of purpose too.

I still feel like I'm sort of bouncing around and yes we are getting into a routine, but our routine is by no means normal or regular feeling.  I don't often think about the "why me?", but I do consider it in a different manner.  I do lay in bed and think "how did I get here?", "what happened?", and I still dream about false prognosis, and alternative life paths.

And I do totally realize I'm rambling here, but to be truthful that's how feel... all sort of rambly, but enough said now.  I really want to create something, maybe tomorrow after blood draw.

Until next time.

-Katie