I'm writing (last) tonight because I'm in a "mood". Earlier, I was browsing old photos and I have a love/hate relationship while I'm looking at them. I love looking at my children and Kevin and on the one hand I enjoy seeing myself, but the hate part is that I miss the old "me". I miss those times past and I find looking at them so terribly bittersweet to the point that it almost hurts.
I know we've had this disucssin before in regards to looking forward, but I try very hard to stay in the "moment" or in the immediate future. Sometimes, all these moments seem to slip away. Each Wednesday evening before chemo I always get emotional because I know the short term end is coming my way. There is nothing I can do to stop it and I know that I will disappear for a little while and it makes me sad. I know I will come back, but what can I say... it still plays with the 'ole psyche.
So many people tell me to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time to add up. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked and without my hearing it. But thankfully life is made up of so many moments that add up to hours that add up to days that add up to months and years. I'm thankful that in the big picture there are so many other moments to seize and remember.
Ironically though, in the same breath that I say these days add up slowly, I utter in amazement at how quickly time does pass us by. Tomorrow is the last day of school and I know that the summer will pass by quickly especially with the blessing of my chemo free month of July. I can't wait, but soon enough the kids will be in school and as the little ones keep saying, I'll be lonely all by myself. More crazy yin/yang moments. I'm literally thrilled at the idea of full day kindergarten for the boys. I love the idea that they will have a regular schedule and that they will be productive. I have felt so much guilt with all their tv and computer time. Plus, I will have the opportunity to freely schedule my appointments and try and add other ways to cope with this illness without feeling the anxiety of finding care for them. But, ack... my babies going to kindergarten. I'm very glad that they are terribly, terribly excited to start though.
Time is indeed a crazy thing, I've already considered the fact that next month is the hump before I start counting down to my one year anniversary for my diagnosis. ONE year. Did you realize that the average statistic for those with my diagnosis is 11 months? What an odd number to have as a statistic, why not just even it up to ONE year? I find it interesting. Before you tell me to stop being melancholy, don't worry. Most of those statistics are based on a) late diagnosis, which I fall into, but b) is where I'm doing ok. I'm responding to treatment and many that don't make it just don't respond to treatment. Trust me I'll be around for you to read whatever comes into my head!
PS... I wanted to let those of you that have mentioned it and pushed me a bit (yes you Mom) that I had my first acupuncture session today. It went well and I liked my acupuncturist a lot. I will definitely let you know how my sessions progress and if it helps me find some relief from my extreme nausea. It did not hurt, but yes I did feel the needles when they were inserted, but it was extremely brief and once they were in - nothing.
And since we are on the topic of life, I have this very sweet baby card to share with you. I finally inked up a long neglected uninked set. I went with a girl theme this time around.
I wish you all a happy day!
Until next time.
-Katie
21 comments:
Gorgeous baby card Katie :D And since you are atuned to this feeling of rebirth, do you not think that the caterpillar remembers its previous existence as a butterfly, and that it knows one day it will become that butterfly again? Your just in caterpillar mode for now :D You have pictures and memories of being a butterfly... you will be a butterfly again!! :D XXX
So glad you are responding to the chemo but sad that it robs you of so much quality time. Here's hoping the acupuncture helps with the nausea while the chemo continues to work. I can't really imagine what you are going through but I am very impressed with your ability to handle this in the best way possible for you and your family.
Full day kindergarten will be terrific for the kids for so many reasons.
ps. love your card. what a cutie
I will be thinking of you today Katie...Hugs Robyn
I think of you every day and always give my husband your updates....... even Disney. I am SO SO HAPPY that you have decided to have acupuncture ...... I really feel this will such a positive thing for you. I also really feel you should be doing wheatgrass juice .... if you are not already doing it. It really helps the immune system. Talk to your acupuncturist about it ........ always sending you positive vibes!!!
You can always come and talk here...no judgment, no requirements to be anything but you. All of us reflect on life, happy times, ecstatic times, the normal times and everything inbetween. I can totally understand your melancholy in looking at pictures of past life. I would be on that very same page! I'm not going through chemo or a life threatening illness and I did that very thing yesterday quite by accident as I was cleaning out and reorganizing my scraproom. Katie, I'm praying the acupuncturist is the ticket for no nausea and that these next few days will be better than what you've been experiencing in the "after chemo" world.
blessings,
Kathy
P.S. Your card is so pretty and girly!! Love PTI:)
You are in my thoughts and prayers today, Katie. I am so sorry for all that you are missing because of this cancer. But I am so proud of the amazing woman that you are. Thank you again for sharing your journey - the good and the bad - and not sugar-coating it to make us all feel better. Did I mention that you are amazing? Mark off another chemo, and focus on your fierce motorcycling days ahead and sweet hugs from your boys. You know that you can do this! Hugs. Sue from Kansas
yeah for you trying out acupuncture!
I appreciate your honesty...you are such an inspiration to so many...
I love it when you get crafty time...it's one SWEET baby card!!
You are often in my thoughts... Thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts with us.
I'm very happy that you are responding to the treatment and that you get to skip chemo next month!
{{hugs}}
Hi Katie, just wanted to wish you luck for today, I hope the acupuncture helps hun, good for you for trying it. I'm so glad you are getting July free, remember we are thinking of you. big hugs Donna x
Adorable card. We've already discussed that I was "in a mood" yesterday too so maybe it was just something in the air! Love ya!
Hello Katie!
Every morning I check your blog to see how you are and I pray for you. Every evening I send a prayer for you.
I leave comments, I send cards, I pray - but I wish that there was something more I could do. From so far away that is all that is possible. But know that you are in my heart and that I have come to know and admire the most beautiful person that you are, and your bravery in the way that you deal with the harsh realities of your treatment is awe inspiring.
Keep strong Katie girl and I will keep praying - along with all of the wonderful people who love you.
Hugs,
Barbara Diane
Thank you for sharing your good and bad times, your happy and sad times. Every time I read your thoughts I cry and smile with you.
It was so nice to chat with you yesterday. As I told you yesterday, I am thinking of you today.
LOVE THE CARD! It's not so typical for baby card. Great design!
:-)
Big HUGS.
None of us has the right to try to make you think positive thoughts but we do it out of love! XXOO When our son had cancer someone gave us "The Secret" to watch and we in turn gave it to him. It helped him A LOT! Just a thought. I'm glad you will beat the average and I'm confident that our prayers will keep you going for a good long time. Sadly, when my brother had stomach cancer he died 7 1/2 weeks after diagnosis. He brought that average way down!! But that was waaay back in 1995. I'm sure they've made great strides in treatment since then. Keep doing the good job you are doing, Katie!!!
Hi Katie, So many people all over the country and even outside of this vast country hold you close in their hearts and constant prayer. You do a service to all of us by journaling your journey with us and sharing your wonderful card creations. One never knows how many lives we touch in our journey through life but I can assure you that you are touching many. Find joy in every day, even the rough ones and know you are never alone...our thoughts and prayers are constantly with you and the presence of God are assured. Elaine
Hi Katie,
You are always on my heart and in my prayers. I am not going to tell you what to think or feel, I don't know what the future holds for you or for anyone, and a little melancholy kind of seems a bit normal for your circumstances. I cried for a week when my baby started school!
I get angry and melancholy over the fact that I lose so much of my life to pain.
So, all I can say is just know that you can vent, that you can do so knowing that you are cared for very much. (oh, and that your writing is as amazing as your art skill!)
And that we stand by you, wishing we could make this all go away!
Aw Katie, that's such a sweet & precious baby card! Love that you used black in the background to make the colors pop. And I hope this round of chemo is not so harsh with you. You are always in my thoughts & prayers!
Hey beautiful! I just looked at your pretty face & thought, "She has such a gorgeous face!" No advice from me, just hugs, prayers & some tears. And a big YEE-HAW for a puke-free---um, I mean chemo free July! YEA!!! AND yippee that you are responding to treatment! Wish it were nausea free, but I'm glad it is working!
Thanks for sharing, Katie - we "need" to hear from you whether sad, happy, up, down, feeling on top of the world or at the very bottom (although we would all prefer you to be happy, up and on top of the world) sharing your innermost fears and desires. You must be soooo excited for your chemo-free month of July to enjoy with your boys! I think of you so often and wish there were something any of us could do to really help...but please know that are all here to support you! Peace. :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thanks for sharing your journey. I hope that you are having a better day by the time you read this. And, this card is so beautiful....just like you!
Life is big in and of itself. Sending your twins off to kindergarten is a huge step, and having to prepare for that leap in your life while fighting so hard for your health--well, it's a TON to deal with, Katie. I think you're doing a great job at keeping it real, appreciating the "now," and especially at allowing yourself to feel all the feelings that come with your fight. I admire your courage to face it all so front and center, and am incredibly inspired by your honesty. Hang in there, my friend. :)
I am new to your blog, so I am not familiar to your whole story, but when I read this post, I thought of something my dr just told me last week (I am disabled due to several chronic illnesses-life changing for sure, but none life threatening at the moment, so I know I am lucky). Anyway, I had been in tears thinking of the person I was when I was well, had a great job, lots of friends, so much more active and social, and my dr said I will never be THAT person again, and that I need to GRIEVE for that person who is gone and no longer inside of me. That the grieving is a process. My dr was very ill with breat cancer, and she knows how I was feeling, as she has alot of the same feelings. Just thought I would share that bit on the grieving. Please take care, and know that there are so many people out here who want the best for you, who are praying for you, and most are strangers you will never meet. All that positive energy is hopefully helpful.
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