Unpublished and Untitled Draft

Hi Everybody,

Today marks the first day of being on my own.  My fantastic Mom headed for Seattle and her plane back home at 2:00 AM last night and she should be setting down in St. Louis sometime soon.  We will very much miss her and all the help she has provided.  (short side note: she found some real joy in Kaite's crafting area and went about creating some cute cards)

Now that we are home alone it will be a challenge to juggle all the aspects of life.  As some of you may know I work for the county south of our home so it is a 45 minute commute to work every morning and 45 back at home each night.  I would much love to have the hour and a half to devote to the family but I truly feel that while it is a huge waste of time it is outweighed by what we get in return.  I love our neighborhood and the feeling of community it provides.  I love our schools, Columbia Elementary where the twins are in kindergarten is only a couple of block away and Hunter is walking distance from Whatcom Middle School (newly rebuilt, just reopened this year after burning almost to the ground).  We have friends and support here and the boys love where we live.  I really don't think uprooting them would do any good in the big picture.

As you can see in the Unpublished Draft below Katie was worried if the boys would think of her.  With the twins she pops up all the time, sometimes in strange places.  Hunter's birthday seemed like kind of a big deal this year and I was feeling overly generous with the kid. For as long as I can remember he has been asking "will you get me an iPod touch?" and my answer usually goes "No, and don't ask me again or I won't let you buy one with your own money". Well I broke down and got the kid his iPod and he was truly happy and keeps saying something like "isn't this the coolest thing in the world" to which Will finally answered "No, Mom being alive would be the coolest thing in the world".

I recently sold Katie's van and replaced it with the Jeep that Katie and I spent the early summer attempting to buy (long story with upset sales staff screaming obscenities at me). The van was bumming me out as it really was Katie's car and I really didn't like driving it. Following its departure Will and Nate were walking out to the car with my Mom and one of them was heard to say "I miss the van, it reminded me of Mom".

This post was from mid August just after the first round of chemo following our break.  Katie wasn't feeling well, wasn't eating well, and was taking lots of pain medication.  Looking back I question the break and if it made her condition worse or gave us some chemo free time prior to the end.  I know there is no utility to looking back and second guessing the path we took, in the end all possible paths take us to the same location.


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Dear friends,

I feel a bit discombobulated this round of chemo, like its something new yet so familiar.  I feel better that I recall, but I don't feel good either. Just a minute ago, I burst out into tear so what you ask... I have no idea.  But then, the images of my children popped into my head, especially the ones of the Nate and Will coming into my room and saying they love.  That's all they have to say while I'm lying in bed to just absolutely crush my heart.  What will they think when I might not be here to have those words said to me.  What will they think of me,  What about Hunter, will he think I left him in such a precarious time in his life.

And Kevin who will be thrust into this unknown job, family, children dilemma. It hurts me to no end to think that I will be leaving him with so much.  I know that he can handle anything, but I don't want to leave and I don't want us to be alone and apart.  It honestly makes my chest hurt.  I don't want to miss all the important things that will happen in their lives and it hurts to no end that I won't be the one that has shaped them into adulthood.  I created them and did my best in the beginning, but it won't be me there to push them into the next stage or the stage after that.  It won't be me holding their children and their grandhcildren.

And why today do I delve into this deep emotional state?   I don' know... I'm not overly depressed right now, I'm not over sick feeling, I just am.  I guess I don't want to be alone with out my family, their mine but when I'm gone they won't be anymore.

Who knows what other worldly family I may belong too, but it will still never be the same as MY family.