Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I feel like I'm being swallowed...

Dear friends,

I've come to you today needing some emotional help.  It's a rough day physically and emotionally and I feel small and cowardly.  The worst place for me to be is on the bathroom floor after throwing up everything  and more.  I hate sitting there.  I feel like I am just draining the life out of everyone around me... I feel so guilty for those around me that have to be on this stupid journey with me.  I hate it all and what I hate most of all is that the result are tears and weakness.  To be honest, I haven't felt this emotionally down trodden in a long while... it seems ironic just saying a long while since it's only been 7 months since the diagnosis.  I know there are so many others who have been fighting harder and longer than I.

But guess what, I do feel better now that I've gotten some of my emotions down.  After sniveling for a good long bit, I grabbed my computer and it does indeed help, probably because I have to be rational and think about what I'm thinking about.

Nate came into the bedroom and I told him that I didn't like him seeing me sad and he said, "I don't mind."  He doesn't mind hearing me wretch, he doesn't mind being grossed out by the bloody tissues, he doesn't mind  seeing the vomit tub, he doesn't even mind when I yelled at him this morning.  I minded, but he just loves.  And my oldest who told me once again he didn't have any clean clothes (I know he does exaggerate just a tad), but I also know that the laundry is piled high and the only thing piled higher are the dishes.  If I could spare my family and friends all of this I would; I wish I could.

Thank you for being here for me.  It helps.

Until next time.

-Katie

64 comments:

Kelly S. said...

Oh Katie, I am sorry that you are having such a terrible day! I am sending some warm thoughts to you telepathically from New York, and hope that you can feel them! This might make you smile, I have the same laundry pile and dish tower at my house and I have NO excuse ;)

Novice Naturalist said...

Hey Katie, Courage fosters courage, don't you think? And your courage enriches me so I have some to just send right back to you! Speak up anytime you want to know that your cyber family is there for you emotionally. I wish I could be there physically because I am just a whiz at doing laundry! I am so sorry you are having a bad bad day. So sorry. Sending you all the love and energy I have by just thinking of you and holding you in my heart. Jay

Amanda R said...

Katie, have you talked to your oncologist about a support group/person in your area? I know around here that the oncologists will refer you to someone else with a similar diagnosis that is doing well so you have someone to talk to that can relate to what you are going thru. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

cbuswell said...

It sucks you're having a bad day, I wish I could give you a big hug.... (ok, here's a telepathic HUG all the way from Ireland!!) I have managed to get some washing done, it gets washed and dried but ends up in baskets in the hall... there are three waiting to be put away!! Lets just say I'm lucky we have a dishwasher!! Hoping and wishing tomorrow WILL BE a better day for you. x

Anita said...

Karen, you are in my prayers and sending hugs. I read your blog each time you post and you give me courage to go on and fight my own physical & emotional battles. I know days like that can be rough but hang in there. The laundry and dishes pile up for us all even when we are well that is just part of life. It is also why there are such things as paper plates. LOL!

Bobbi-Lynn said...

I too feel so bad, and wish I had words that would be filled with wisdom and hope. The most I can offer are the prayers I say daily for you. You are allowed these times, in fact I don't know how you do it most days. A support person would be great, so if that is an option you can discuss with your oncologist, that may help. Big hugs to you, and prayers from Canada.

Sewflake said...

I wish I was your neighbor because I would be over there in a heart beat doing your dishes and laundry because for me that feels like the only thing I could do to help lift a small burden for you as I can not make your cancer go away or even share a portion of it to help ease your pain.
I can only send some heart felt love and prays to better days.

Joan B said...

Katie, I am glad that you can vent on the blog. You are going through such incredibly difficult times, harder than most ever go through and if you are feeling low it is so understandable. Your children are so precious! Hugs

Carla said...

So sorry that you are having a bad day Katie. Cancer and cancer treatment is definitely no picnic! Sending you cyber hugs and lots of prayers. Allow yourself the tears and the rest GUILT FREE - - you've earned it!

Kathy said...

Oh Katie,
I wish I lived near you, I'd so come and help! I know how I feel when I am down with vertigo (which I've had all my life) I hate that I'm out of commission for my family. I know you feel like a downer...but that is where you get the most love, Katie. Your family loves you so much and they are glad you are there...come online and share anytime-speaking it out takes some of the energy out of our feelings.
praying for you,
Kathy

Arielle ~ SnappyStamper said...

Katie, I am one of those anonymous people who loves you and prays for you. I'm sorry for your bad and sad days, and as for the inconvenience of dirty dishes and clothes... oh well, those are not really the kinds of things we remember are they? You stay strong and keep fighting, there are so many people rooting for you. (I just realized I wasn't even a follower yet, I just have you bookmarked and come peek in on you from time to time!)

Meredith MacRitchie said...

I would be willing to bet that your family is grateful for the laundry pile, and the sink full of dishes, and even the dust that might be building, so long as it means you're here with them, fighting to stay with them. I can't imagine what it must be like to face this beast every day, especially when it's so physically demanding... but you can't feel guilty about the others who are going through this with you, because they are likely just glad you're here to go through it with.

I hope today is a one-off for you, and that tomorrow you feel brighter. I was in Bellingham the other day, and thought of you, wondering if you were out enjoying the sunshine as well...

Stay strong, and remember that it's okay to feel down here and there!

Ted said...

Inspiration near a toilet bowl. That's what you are, Katie. You're an inspiration for all of us and you need to know that God WILL get you through this. Your family is with you thick or thin... allow them the privilege of loving you and being there for you. There may come a time in the future you'll need to be there for them. Just like we're here for you and there may come a time you'll need to be here for us.

God doesn't put us each on individual planets to be alone. He placed us all here to love each other.

Stay strong, Katie.

Sharron said...

Oh, Katie, i wish I lived closer so I could help you with dishes & laundry. Such a small help I know but it would be wonderful to just do some little thing. What an awful struggle you have to endure. Just know that as we read your blog, everyone is here for you. And how wonderful that your being able to post is a little bit of release on the worst days. Wishing you a better day tomorrow! HUGS!!

Vicki said...

Sometimes a good vent and a strong shoulder really helps.

Margie H said...

Dear sweet Katie! You are allowed bad days and GOOD DAYS you know that, right? Vent all you want - we're here for you!! HUGS to you, my friend!!! xo

LaurieJ said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a particularly tough day. I do so wish I were close by so that I could offer a helping hand. But all I can do is send prayers and warm thoughts your way. I pray that this is just a bump in the road and the sun will shine brighter tomorrow. I'm glad that you can reach out to us here in blogland, so never hesitate to do so.
Hugs,
Laurie

Tammy Hershberger said...

Dearest Katie.... it's not often that I am compelled to drop whatever I'm doing and immediately pray, but I did so for you today! I can't imagine what you're going through, but if my small prayer and those of others can give you strength to keep fighting and help your family to be strong, too then I'll do it gladly! I hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

Lotsa' hugs!
Tammy

Jak Heath said...

Ok lady here is the deal, if the dishes get you down eat off paper plates until you feel well enough to cope with the such like. if the laundry makes you squeel get someone in to do it while you are at your worst. if nothing else it will be a new face to chat to.
When the bathroom floor gets to much swear at it.
You do what you have to do to get through it Katie, I love you with every bone in my body and honey you are doing great, if your body feels weak remember you have a very strong mind which compensates and lastly remember your family and friends all love you. xxx

Tricia said...

Oh, Katie-Kate. I appreciate you and I'm praying for you on your journey!!

Jade said...

I wish I had the words to make you feel better but I don't so know that I am sending big hugs and warm comforting thoughts your way. I hope the dawn breaks for you soon.

JenMarie said...

Katie Girl, wish I was closer, would love to HUG you!

Sue from Oregon said...

Oh Katie...I hate that you are going through this and so wish I could come and give you a big hug. If venting makes you a tiniest bit better, vent away...we are all here for you!

Marsha said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry you have to go through times like this. You know I just live up in Everson and I am retired now. I would LOVE to come and do laundry for you. Please give me that joy of helping you.

terriavidreader (IN-USA) said...

KATIE,
Please, try really hard to keep in the front of your mind - that you are so very loved. I know that must be extremely hard, but it's important, too important to not be the first thought every day! I will keep you in prayer. I hope things improve.

Rachel F said...

Hi Katie

I have never left you a message before and am just a silent reader of your blog, but today I felt like I want/need to leave you a message of support. I had a friend who was going through what you are - and trust me when I say we LOVE to help - we as your friends LOVE to be a support and hope to think that in some very small way we are helping. Your family and friends love you and want to be there beside you all the way!
You are a such an amazing woman and inspire us all, you are allowed your down days, and when that happens that's what your friend and family WANT to be there for.
So sending you BIG hugs from a complete stranger all the way from New Zealand

katrynka said...

Katie,

I do not know you, but I admire the strength that you have. I don't think I would have as much as you do.

As so many other people have said, I wish that I lived nearby so that I could do dishes and laundry for you. It would give me such a great reason for leaving my own pile up!

The only time I have really had to allow people to help me was when I had a minor knee surgery. I am the one who always helps others, and I love it, but boy how hard it was to gracefully accept help! So maybe thinking of how much you like to do for others, will help you realize that they enjoy doing for you:)

Susan said...

Oh, dear Katie! My heart reaches out to you in your pain. Know that dishes piled high don't matter (someday my memoirs will be written and they will be titled "When the Dish Pile Becomes Unstable, So Do I"). Laundry doesn't matter. Right now, only you matter. Your kids are learning very tough, but valuable lessons in compassion and unconditional love. You have always been there for everyone, I am sure. Now it is time for you to allow them the privilege to be there for you. You are clearly loved deeply. Just take care of yourself right now. Be self-centered (I will bet that you don't even know how). Hugs to you from Kansas. Sue

susanc said...

Katie, I am so sorry that you're having to go through this and are feeling so bad. I hope that tomorrow brings a better day and that you feel better. Hugs. xxx

IamDerby said...

Oh Katie. Big big virtual hugs coming your way. I can't even imagine... and when I do I think a little sniveling is fine. Sometimes even necessary. God knows I wimper and snivel over things far less important.

Steph Mitchell said...

Katie, I'm another one who lets the dishes pile up. Do you have a dishwasher? Maybe it's time to invest in one if you don't, otherwise like others have said, it might be time to see what resources are available through a cancer support group, or church in your local community.

Your family are blessed to have such a strong wife/mother. I tend to fall in a heap with a cold or the flu and always have to remember that I have it easy compared with you and others in the C-boat.

With love and prayers from Perth, Western Australia,
Steph

Robyn said...

Dear Katie.....much love and hugs to you from Melbourne Australia!! So sorry you are having a bad day- just know that people all around the world love you and are praying for you !!How amazing is that! Hope tomorrow is a better day and I agree about finding some help/support from someone close by -I'd be there in a flash if I could!

Saskia said...

Sweet Katie,

I hope you'll feel better soon. You're on my mind!!!

BIG hug, Saskia :)

Glenda J said...

Sending you big hugs... glad you have Nate there to be your rock. You're amazing...

Gina said...

Yay for you!!! Don't ever get used to being on that bathroom floor!!! Don't ever resign yourself to "this is just how it's meant to be!! Stay angry with what is making you miserable and channel that anger into action. Today you used it to make this post and notice how Nate is dealing with everything. Sending you much love :D XXX

Made by Mandy said...

Oh sweetheart I am sorry to hear you are feeling so rough at the moment. I know it is hard to see the wood for the trees when you feel so crappy but you are so strong and such an inspiration to so many people. Your positivity and kind words gave me the kick up the bum I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself 6 months ago when I started feeling depressed. YOU helped me to put my situation into perspective and step by step I am fighting this and feeling so much more positive.

I know you can beat this Katie. Your family can cope with the laundry and washing up not being done as long as you are still there with them fighting this. As a woman we automatically feel guilty if we are not looking after the house but your health is much more important. You can always catch up with things when you feel better.

Lots of love and big squishy hugs sweetheart

Mandy xxx

sherri said...

Oh Katie. Hang in there!! I wish I could come over and do your laundry for you. I would do it in a heartbeat but NC is too far :(. We are all here for you and you can vent anytime. That's what your blog is for and that's why we read it. Love ya!!

CSB said...

The Womens support group on Mondays at the cancer center is a great resource for women. that is the one place that you can go and just be....the women are compassionate supportive and they get you. you will find that you can draw from the experience of others and they will be there for you when you need it.
I was neve a group person but I have found this group as the most helpful in dealing with those days when you just need to vent and need support.
there is also a network called helping hands that help when you need somoen to do things around the house and other type things
Hang in there, you are a strong beautiful woman and those who love you want and need you just as you are, even with the rough days.

Whimcees said...

Hey Katie Girl!

That was a good call to post for support - look at all of the lovely comments already this morning! You have so many who care about you!

This past 7 months have been filled with stress and fear and yet you have faced each and every thing asked of you with bravery and determination. Stay strong my friend! Take all of this love so many are giving to support you in your battle and keep fighting!

You are never forgotten and are in my prayers every day - wishing you a happy one today!

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Lorraine Mcneil said...

Katie, there are absolutley no words for what you are doing for each and every person that reads your blog. You bring me to my knees, with every ounce of suffering that you experience and are brave enough to share with us. You have declared a war on cancer and shouted it from the rooftops. I know you feel, sometimes, like you want to end not only yours, but all your families pain and suffering, but dont you know, that they would rather have you this way, than no way? I know I speak for all your blogging friends and followers when I say your pain breaks all of our hearts. Keep fighting, Katie, you CAN prevail. Sending you Love and Hope.
Lorraine xxx

AShu93 said...

Sending you hugs & prayers. Keep up your fighting spirit & I know you can beat this.

Donna said...

Hi Katie, sorry your having such a rotten day hun. Can you imagine if your cyber family lived near you, we'd be fighting each other to do your dishes and laundry lol. Just picture it, lined up outside your door at 8am all with our rubber gloves and cloths lol, I think you'd probably prefer to keep your dirty dishes and laundry, plus with all our hugs you'd be struggling for breath. I hope today is a brighter day for you, remember you only need to pick up your laptop to get some cyber support ( which is probably better than having hundreds of crazy crafters in your house lol). We're always here for you. hugs Donna x

Karin said...

When I don't know what to do or say, I pray. Consider you and your family prayed for. I wish there was more that I could do. You are so brave.

Jodi Collins aka Kharmagirl said...

I wish I could give you a big hug right now Katie!! My prayers and thoughts are with you!! How wonderful that you have Nate!!
Big hugs!

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie, Just want you to know you are always on my mind and in my prayers. You received a lot of wonderful advice and support this morning. It shows how wide spread your support base is and how many prayers are being sent for you 24/7. We look forward to hearing from you on your good days and your bad days. You are never alone. We all wish we were closer to you to share your burdens and I am sure you have friends and family who feel so helpless and would love to help you with some chores around the house. Take advantage of all the resources and help available when you need it. That enriches other peoples' lives and gets you through the rough spots. As someone said above, you are not in this alone. Lots of love and prayers, Elaine in New Jersey

Makalah said...

They don't mind because they love you, and that's what unconditional love is!

Debbie said...

Oh Katie. I'm sorry this round has hit you this hard again. Please remember that those four boys in your home love you more than dishes or laundry. Praying today is a better day. And remember July is just around the corner. Love you friend.
-Debbie B.

donna calamari said...

Katie, you are not weak or cowardly at all. You are going through an assault on your body and psyche. You are handling it with grace and dignity. You are lucky to have a family who loves you. They have their pain too. You can not take away their pain simply by not letting them see you at your worst. Let them in and help each other get through this.

Gailanne said...

Another hug from my part of the world (Vancouver, BC)...wish I could do something else for you, Katie, but love from across the miles will have to suffice. A hug for your sweet kids, too, that you can share.

Anonymous said...

Katie, We are here for you always.
Love,
Donna McEwen

Janine said...

Words seem empty - hope things improve soon and the dish washers and launderers can also help lift your spirits. God bless

Dawn B. said...

I wish we could all reach out and hug you. Kids love us unconditionally no matter what.. Right now you can hold on to that little fella and know you are loved. Know I am thinking of you and admire all your strength right now.
Hugs and love.

Linda Carson said...

Give yourself permission to let go of the "guilt" of daily chores that define you as a good Mom. Give yourself permission to call up one of the million people who have offered to help anyway they can. It will be a blessing to both you and them. Trust me!

Carmen said...

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard day. I admire the way that you've been handling things, and I don't think there is anything wrong with having days when you feel the way you did. As long as you get it out of your system, and get back to life, I think that it is actually good to have some time to feel sorry for yourself.

And, if it makes you feel any better... my son went to school yesterday wearing jeans because he didn't have any clean shorts. The weather was going to be in the high 90's! I felt horrible until I went to get hangers from his closet and found a pair of shorts with tags still on!!! ...he got a nasty text for that. What I'm trying to say is that we all go through the piles of clothes, dishes, etc. and we don't have something big going on in our lives.

Rest and relax, and hopefully things will look better soon!

Grandma Nancy said...

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, friend!! I feel bad for you and your family that you have to be on this terrible journey but so many of us are praying for you and sending positive vibes that you will be better. You deserve to feel bad and emotional once in a while but do your very best to stay upbeat and feel the love we are sending your way! I love you!!!

Suzi said...

Praying God will give you strength and purpose in all this mess! You are stronger than you think, and He is even stronger!
Hugs!

Lorraine said...

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this! I wish I could take some of the pain & frustration from you. You are probably so used to being the strong one and providing & supporting others around you that it is very difficult to let others do for you. But please let them! It is your time to rest and get better. Vent as much as you want - we're here to listen & support you! The inspiration you provide to many of us is priceless! Praying for you!

jperr said...

Katie my heart goes to you.I wish I was there to give you a big hug and just hold you to try and give you some comfort.You are being so brave.my thought are also with your family.
Love and blessings.
Jocelan

lanejoy1 said...

Katie, I just read your blog and am so sorry you are having to go through this. I will pray for you and your family and ask God to hold you in his arms and comfort you. Please don't give up as so many people are pulling for you. Hang in there sweet lady and hold that head high. God Bless You !!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Katie,

Hugs to you from an avid reader. You give such an honest, open account of what you are going through, warts and all. Thank you for sharing it all. I have a couple of friends going through it and it helps me understand a little more what they are experiencing too. Reading your journey makes me feel like I know you even though we have never met. Forget the dishes, forget the laundry and do what you can in your own time. Hugs to you from Australia.

Lauren said...

Hugs Katie! Be strong. You have such strength within. I'm sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

Misti said...

Oh Katie, my heart hurts when I read this. Prayers for comfort and peace. I have no words because I haven't lived it. Just know that HE has a plan for you. Let this trial in your life bring honor and glory to HIM! {{{BIG HUGS}}}

Trish said...

Katie,
I found you when Bev Rochester blogged about you at the start of your fight with cancer. I spent most of the Christmas break wondering how on earth you found the strength when being given such horrible news. I have popped over from week to week to see how you are doing. Sometimes I find it heartbreaking reading your words but mostly I find them inspiring. Despite being in a awful situation you're optimism and good humour are awe inspiring.
I'm sorry that you have had such a tough day. I can only imagine what you're going through. I wish that I could reach out and comfort you through the computer, and I can only hope that the words of all of these lovely people before me have given you at least a small piece of comfort. I'm sure there are lots of people around the world that like me, pray for you and your family every night. Take care. Sending you lots of love and Huggs Trish x

~amy~ said...

Oh Katie...sending you cyber hugs...and I'm your stereotypical asian that grew up in a non-huggy family but I do give my kids and my man tons of hugs:) I wish that I lived closer to you so that I could help out..it is always much more fun doing someone else's chores than your own...hang in there.

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