I've come to you today needing some emotional help. It's a rough day physically and emotionally and I feel small and cowardly. The worst place for me to be is on the bathroom floor after throwing up everything and more. I hate sitting there. I feel like I am just draining the life out of everyone around me... I feel so guilty for those around me that have to be on this stupid journey with me. I hate it all and what I hate most of all is that the result are tears and weakness. To be honest, I haven't felt this emotionally down trodden in a long while... it seems ironic just saying a long while since it's only been 7 months since the diagnosis. I know there are so many others who have been fighting harder and longer than I.
But guess what, I do feel better now that I've gotten some of my emotions down. After sniveling for a good long bit, I grabbed my computer and it does indeed help, probably because I have to be rational and think about what I'm thinking about.
Nate came into the bedroom and I told him that I didn't like him seeing me sad and he said, "I don't mind." He doesn't mind hearing me wretch, he doesn't mind being grossed out by the bloody tissues, he doesn't mind seeing the vomit tub, he doesn't even mind when I yelled at him this morning. I minded, but he just loves. And my oldest who told me once again he didn't have any clean clothes (I know he does exaggerate just a tad), but I also know that the laundry is piled high and the only thing piled higher are the dishes. If I could spare my family and friends all of this I would; I wish I could.
Thank you for being here for me. It helps.
Until next time.