Today's Shout Outs:
Susie W, Rosanna B, Karen H, Donna V, Mavis and John, Elaine S, Donna McE (x4), Melissa C, Lisa R,
Jenn E, Victoria N, Barbara Diane, Marie H, Christi B
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love all your notes and sweet words that you send to me day after day, week after week!!!!
We had a wonderful time at Disneyland and I promise to share some photos and expound more on our time there soon, but I've had some thoughts rattling around in my head that I want to get down first and of course it's directly related to my post title (Tug of War).
It was such a wonderful trip and it was so much fun to see the expression on the boys' faces, plus it was so wonderful to just get away from it all, but in the end, we had to come back to reality and to what it entails. As we were driving down, Kevin and I would discuss other places we would like to go and things we would like to do. The talking was spontaneous and was the way conversations are supposed to go... one thought leading to the next and so on and so forth. But then, in the middle of it, I would be sucked back to reality and realize that we can't plan the future like we used to in some general abstract way. This realization would make me sad, but once I realized the direction that these thoughts would take, I had to make a conscious decision to change the direction of these thoughts and focus on the positive. My mind continued this back and forth thought process throughout our vacation and if I really think about it, this has been going on all along. It was just extremely clear during my break.
While I've been contemplating this thinking process, the game of Tug of War came to mind and that is really what life is like for me. I keep tugging myself from one thought to the other. As soon as I get a bit morbid or sad, I feel like I have to tug in the opposite direction, meaning something that is on the other spectrum, something that is more positive and happier. But the reality of my situation will pull me in the opposite direction again and the game continues.
Yet, I can't seem to find a happy medium because I feel like there isn't one. For some reason, I always think of tug of war being played with a mud pit in the middle and whoever tugs the hardest brings the other side into the mud pit. I feel that no matter what, if I go to one extreme or the other, I'll end up in that mud pit.
And now of course after I've written this, I'm not positive if this is the greatest analogy, but I do feel like parts of the game do resemble my life as I know it right now. A seesaw would also make a great visual with no mud pit, but in order to make the seesaw work you have to have both sides continue with the up and down motion.
I tried to get my oncologist to give me some sort of end time for my chemo treatments, but of course he can't because there isn't one, so I will plug along and continue living to the best of my ability. What he did say though was that life is good and is worth living and that I shall continue to take breaks from chemo here and there around the things that I want to do.
There are two things that I want to do as of today. One of them being a trip to the United Kingdom and the other a trip to CHA (Craft and Hobby Association) in January. The key though is that I can really only focus on a few months at a time. Life has a way of being unpredictable (me being the prime example) and there is no way to guarantee what will be happening in 6 months, a year, two years, 5 years, etc. What I can focus on and can for the most guarantee is what is happening within the next couple/several months. It is an interesting way to view one's existence but as Kevin always says, it's better than the alternative, and he is a wise man which is why I love him so.
Right before we left for our trip, I received this cute little sticker set... thank you (you know who you are:) Well, I had wanted to make a card with it before we left but I ran out of time, so I made it tonight since I probably won't doing much after Friday's chemo.
Jolee's sticker and paper is Close to my Heart. I think I'm correct in saying that this particular paper isn't available anymore. I purchased it last year just for our scheduled/rescheduled Disney trip.
I wish one and all a wonderful day and finally to all the mothers my own included... Happy Mother's Day
Until next time.