Unpublished Draft "A day is a day is a day...."

Hi All,

Well we made it through Thanksgiving and had a good time.  Katie's fantastic sister Eden came up with Justin and we had a good dinner.  I just finished a plate of totally unneeded leftovers and now I feel pretty sick...

Today marks my first trip to visit Katie.  I had gone to the post office to pick up the mail from our P.O. box on my motorcycle and when I got home I looked at Katie's Ducati, which hasn't been ridden much lately and decided that it needed a ride.  I started out without a clear goal in mind and ended up at the cemetery.  Last time I was close I was picking up the death certificate from the funeral home and the canopy was still in place from her service and it was just a bit too much so I didn't stop.  Today I walked to her grave to say hi.

Our plots sit next to a stream that travels through the cemetery and standing there listening to the wind in the trees and the water in the stream I was knew we had picked the right place.  I plan on having a bench installed for our headstones and I'm looking forward to being able to go sit and visit.



Below you will find the next in the line of Katie's unpublished drafts.  This one really hurts...


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Dear friends,

Living my life by blocks of days, tests, and treatments takes a toll on my psyche.  There are good days, there are bad days, there are wonderful days, and there are awful days.  I try to spread them out so nobody feels neglected.  The funny thing is that there is really no telling (most of the time) which days might get which hat.

Today was an ok day.  I'm coming out of the extreme yuckiness of my last chemo treatment which is a good day, but it also means that I'm just tired of the fight.  I'm tired of waking up wondering how I'll feel, wondering if I roll over, will my stomach roll over too.  Wondering if anything will sound, smell, or taste ok, let alone good.

Everyone says to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time.  Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked without my hearing it.  It's a good thing there are many other moments to seize.

1 week = 7 days
10 weeks = 70 days
6 months = 182 days
1 year = 365

You get the math.  Today equals 146 days since my diagnosis and yes I'm happy to be alive, but on the other hand the days seem to add up rather slowly.  I slipped through Mother's Day and all I have to say is that there should be a Kevin day.  He did all the mothering to me and for me.  These periods that I spend in bed are periods where I just disappear from everything.  The boys get used to their Dad tucking them into bed, bathing them, cooking for them, etc. etc.  (Mind you, Kevin's done all the cooking prior, but it still adds to the list)  He helps me in and out of bed and cleans up after me... every day should be his day.

My chemo break sure went quickly.  When I headed in last Friday for treatment, it was almost like a long forgotten memory.  Unfortunately, the memory came back like a brick to the head and the routine continues on.  Blood work is as normal as normal is.  Ironically, I never have a good sense of what the results will be like.  If I feel especially bad, the results might be better than normal and vice versa.  Kevin has always said, I've never been in tune with my physical body anyway.