Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Un-posted Draft "Chemo #6 and some ramblings"

Hi All,

Thank all of you for the cards and wishes these past few days.  As you know Katie's service was Monday morning.  The service was very nice and attended by many friends and family.  Thankfully the weather was not the rain that had plagued the days prior but clear and cold. I know that if Katie would have been there in a more tangible capacity she would have been very happy.


I don't know how much longer I will be posting on the bolg but I do have a few drafts that for whatever reason Katie didn't post; I have been going through them and I think that I will post most of them.  The post below was originally authored on March 10th and I remember quite clearly the reaction that she describes as I shared the same emotion and we talked quite a bit about it. You can look back to Good News! which is about the CT scan she is referring to in this post. In the end I truly think that we were unable to feel much joy since we knew that the chances were good it was to be a short term gain.

I also clearly remember a scared and saddened Katie who had just finished her google fest.  It is pretty clear just how poor your chances are of surviving a diagnosis such as hers if you sit down with google for a few minutes.  Dr Rubin had cautioned against spending too much time on google but it can be a mighty draw and one that you can't always resist.

****************************************

Dear friends,

Just like my title says, today is number 6 in my unknown number of chemo treatments.  What I'm going to write about today are my emotions this past week.  They surprised me and I've been thinking about them the last few days.  They might surprise you too, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from.

I've been so touched by all your comments, your tears, your exuberant emotion that you've shared with me these past few days.  You are there to help me through the hard times and you are there to share in the good times and I absolutely know that you are all INVESTED in me, my family, and my journey.  I kind of think of you all as my raft as I ride the waves, big and small, to my next destination.

I have to admit that I was a bit overwhelmed by your excitement over my news on Monday because for some reason I couldn't feel that excitement in my own heart and head.  NOW... stay with me here and don't gasp in shock.  I think when we left my appointment I felt more relief than anything.   I was relieve that it wasn't bad news and I was definitely glad with all the positive news we received.  I've been thinking about it of late and I think I'm emotionally stunted right now... what do you think of that terminally?  For the most part, I just don't feel those highs and lows as frequently.  The emotions are there don't get me wrong, but they pop at such random times it surprises me.

Its daunting to think that chemo may never stop.

I'm letting all of you help me ride the wave of good hope and enthusiasm for the wonderfully postivve news I was given on Monday.  It is hopeful and like I said in my earlier post it widens our horizons, but it is still so very difficult to let go of the long and unknown future for me and my family.

I know it seems crazy to have these dichotomous emotions and especailly right after such positive news was shared with us, but its just the way I've been feeling.  I have a guilty admission to share as well.  Googling can enlighten us, teach us, but it can also worry us and in some cases scare us needlessly.  I have been googling and for the most part its been to really cement some of the terms that I've heard over the past several months.

I have to be honest and let you all know that googling is depressing because the information is harsh and realistic.  I'm ok, because I'm not harsh, I'm not a quitter, and I don't let definitions and stories define me, but they are real.  They aren't misinformation or crazy ramblings.  They are about real life and real people.

43 comments:

Mary Jobes said...

Getting to know Kate thru her blog has been such a gift Kevin. She was extraordinary in so many ways. No self pity, no bitterness, just relating to her friends that loved her, how tasking fighting for another day was. This is a loss we all share Kevin. Please feel all these hugs coming from so many!

Marsha said...

I'm glad you are posting these, Kevin. Another glimpse into what Katie and you went through. You, Katie and the boys have had so many people loving and supporting you (as was evident by the number at the service)and we are still here to say we are thinking about you and praying for you.

THE HOOSIER STAMPER said...

I'm so glad that the weather held for a nice service. Sometimes we just don't know what to think...I just keep holding you and your family in our hearts and prayers. I can only imagine how tough it is for you. We can always think we know, but I've found unless you walk a mile in a person's shoes you cannot even begin to know how they feel. I hope the boys are doing well, this has to be very hard for them, but they have a part of Katie in them and her strength and yours! Thanks for sharing Katie's thoughts and yours. Hug & Prayers! Don & Leah Ann

Heather B said...

Katie connected with many who read her blog and your continued posts are part of our grieving process too. I'm sure it will help yours as well and one day you'll know when it's time to leave this blog and move on...either to your own or just onto other things. Thinking of you...

Heather B said...

Katie connected with many who read her blog and your continued posts are part of our grieving process too. I'm sure it will help yours as well and one day you'll know when it's time to leave this blog and move on...either to your own or just onto other things. Thinking of you...

Mel said...

I am sure Katie's service was beautiful. I lit a candle for her at the time of her service, 5:30am local time here in Australia. I imagine crafters all over the world did the same thing. I bet seeing all those candles lit for her made her happy.

We thank you for continuing to post here, but please know that we will all understand if you choose not to do so. Know too, that you and your boys remain in all our thoughts and hearts. Also, if you ever need anything, please post here and know the crafting community will help where we can.

Hugs to you and the boys xxxxx

Ashley Nguyen Newell said...

I completely understand when you choose to stop posting on this blog. Thank you for keeping us updated along the way!

All I can say about this post is I love Katie so much and I miss her SO much! Thank you for posting it because I can almost hear her voice and understand her mindset.

My continued prayers are with you and your family.

Z-Scrapper said...

Thank you Kevin for adding this post. I have been thinking about our Katie almost every day this week. I am crying as I am typing this. Crying for you, Katie, the boys, for me. I know time will heal our sorrow....but it takes time. I totally understand the day may come when you no longer have a need to continue with Katie's blog, but I am hoping you will keep it as it is. For me we still have a part of Katie, through her work and words that are found here. I really think the boys will cherish her blog too in the future. Kevin praying for you to have comfort and peace with whatever you decide to do. Thank you for sharing Katie with us. God bless you always!

Linda said...

I believe Katie was looking down at all the people who attended her memorial service and said, WOW! I hope you and your boys get some comfort knowing how many people keep you all in their prayers and thoughts. Hugs, Linda

Anonymous said...

Kevin, Thanks so much for the post. I was hoping you would have shared more information about the service.
I thought of you and your boys' all day Monday and was mourning Katie as well. I got to know Katie through her blog and feel like I lost a good friend. If I lived closer, I would have attended her service as well. (I live in Texas)

Please do not think that I was rude for hoping for information about her service. I guess that I need some closure as well.

God Bless you, Kevin for thinking of us during your grief and sharing some more of Katie with us.

Karen

Debzi333 said...

Dear Kevin and family

I think of you every day. I pray that you are getting through these very difficult times with the love and help of your family and friends.

Thank you for continuing to post, but I do understand that you may not want to do so for long.

Though I never met Katie, via her blog, I came to feel that she was a friend.

Blessings and love

Deborah F.

eleftheria said...

Oh I am so happy you posted this Kevin.It 's like i was reading Katie again. I can picture her writing this.I completely understand you will stop posting.It is just that for those of us that couldn t be there on Monday to have our closure it is so hard to accept that she will not post again.God bless you and the boys

Bobbi-Lynn said...

I am glad that the service was nice. I was thinking of you and your family all day.
Katie was so expressive and candid with her writing, it allowed us to get to know her. My family kept you all in our prayers, and we are forever touched by her.

Becky Jo said...

Kevin, thanks for posting this. I have felt such a connection to Katie from the time I started following her blog. She has impacted my life more than you know. I totally look at life in a different light because of Katie. She will forever remain a part of my life. Big Hugs to you and the boys!!

Anonymous said...

Karen, you can read more about the service here:
http://poppypaperie.typepad.com/poppy_paperie/2011/11/katies-service.html

Ann Rosie said...

I lit five candles on Monday, one for the memory of Katie and one for you and each of your gorgeous boys and prayed for strength and hope for you in the future.

I know you will never stop loving or missing Katie. Hopefully you will take comfort that you can see your wife so much in your boys.

LaurieJ said...

Kevin, thank you so much for posting and continuing to share some of Katie's thoughts with us.

I am glad the sun shone on Katie's service on Monday. You and the boys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that we all will be here for you until you feel ready to move on from this blog.

Marilyn said...

Kevin, like so many others I thank you for sharing of yourself and more of Katie. We grieve with you. We pray for you and the boys. I too will support you when you're ready to stop blogging here.

Katie's blog friends will be here for you and the boys as long as you need us. I know Will and Nate are too young to understand this blog now but you may want to keep it in some form for them so they can see in her own words how much love their mom had for them and how strong and courageous she was.

God Bless you Kevin.

Anonymous said...

You and Katie have shared a story of grace, love and courage which has impacted my life and my family's. It is a gift I hold close and will not forget. May you, the boys, and your extended family gain strength from the love and respect of all of us whom you have so graciously gifted.

Shazza said...

God bless you and your boys Kevin, it was an honour to get to know Katie through her blog x

Whimcees said...

Hello Kevin,

Thank you for continuing to post and it is a gift for you to share Katie's thoughts.

Katie was not a quitter, and she didn't let definitions and stories define her - she was so brave and determined and tried to stay in a positive mind set through all of her fight - but she was aware of the realities. That's what defined her and why she was an inspiration to me every day.

I keep you and the children in my prayers.

Hugs and good wishes.

Barbara Diane

Curt in Carmel said...

Kevin, you and Katie's family were never far from my thoughts on Monday. It was weird, but I was up in my craft room looking for something and found some ribbon that Katie had sent me. I held it in my hand and thought about how grateful I am for having "met" her. Thank you so much for posting this. This is vintage Katie. . .she was honest and open and that's what I loved most about her. Even though she was scared and facing so much, she still thought enough of us to share her life, good and bad. As the others, I understand about not knowing how long you will continue to post, however, please keep the blog up. It's kind of like a place for us to come visit the memory of Katie. Please also know that we would like to know what is going on with you and your boys from time to time. So, please keep us updated. . .OK? Hugs to you and the boys Kevin. . .Curt

Becky Sorensen said...

I usually don't post on this because usually I am talking to Katie ----- but I think I remember this time, I remember her and I talking about the stuff on google and I know I scolded her about looking too much. We talked about the durn chemo and we always had hope for the future. She was amazing in her strength and her fight, but the one who held her up was you, Kevin, with your strength and your fight and your love!! Something I have seen with my own eyes, you are amazing!!! And she knew it!! (ok, now I am crying) But you know that we care about you and the boys and we are always here for you!!!!

LORi said...

Sue W said...

Hi Kevin, You've shared so much that many would hold private. Katie's journey touched us all, though we hoped and prayed for a better outcome.........
Thank you.
Whatever you decide for the future I wish you and the boys well. Time will heal........take care.

Jak Heath said...

So very brave of you to carry on with Katies posts Kevin. Truly I don't think anyone would expect you to carry on posting. So very brave of you.

gramma jacki said...

I miss Katie. I miss her words. Having "met" her last December when she delivered her horrendous news with us here on her blog, I find myself thinking of her every day since then. How one little person could have such an amazing impact on the lives of so many - friends, family and those of us in cyberspace, is simply inspiring. I can't even begin to imagine how you and the boys are missing her. Blog when you are up to it - we are all Katie lovers and welcome any sharing from you. Peace and love to you all.

Kathy said...

Oh Kevin, how amazing that you take the time to think of us and still want to share Katie with us. I've come back here quite a bit, I must admit, even though I know her memorial was Monday. For some reason I've been drawn to read her previous posts (even though I'd read them as they were posted) just to see if there was something I'd missed. Something that might give me more of an insight to the deeper struggles Katie was dealing with. I guess I felt in some way, that I'd let her down, been too positive, maybe not sensitive enough to really let her share how scared she was, worried that I didn't really "hear" her. I've only met Katie through her blog, but I know she took such solace in revealing things to us, I just hope she really did reveal her heart and didn't hold back for fear of shocking us. She still amazes me that she even ever felt like crafting or sharing any creativity. I don't know if I'd do the same in her shoes. Katie has impacted me so much, not just by her crafting but by her living and continuing to try to be enthusiastic and engaged in life.
Thank you Kevin, you have touched my heart by posting these unposted posts of Katie's.
Prayers and hugs,
Kathy

Davi said...

Thanks for sharing the post and some more insight into what Katie and you were going thru.I hope that while blogging about her journey that she did receive encouragement from all the comments and cards.

Erica said...

I hope that posting hese few remnants will bring you a kind of peace, Kevin. It would be nice for us to see you post now and then so we can keep up with your dear sons and, selfishly, check-out Katie's talent in her tutorials. That said, it is understandable if this is not something you wish to do.
Just take care of yourself and your sons. Your devotion to them is of the utmost importnace right now. You and Katie are often in my thoughts.
Erica

Gina said...

Keep the blog open as long as you need to Kevin. It is a hard and difficult process you are going through, and we will be here for you, as much as we are here for Katie. When you feel you are ready to let go, just let us know. Leave a final post up for 1 month, then decide if you can close it down. I don't know how long these things stay up after people stop using them, but I can see how they are a small, tangible piece of the person who made them, and therefore still a bond to Katie.
Take your time, but do what is right for you :D
Love as always Gina XXX

Paper Pad Challenge said...

Hi Kevin I am so glad that the day was clear and bright for you all. I am happy that Katie had a wonderful farewell to the next part of her journey. I have spoken to friends and family this week about the amazing strength and courage of Katie and each was amazed to hear about her. Thanks so much for sharing this post that Katie only drafted but you know it has so much in it for people suffering in similar circumstances to draw from. Funny how they say not to google things as it may tell you things you don't want to hear but it can also help you to make sense of things xxx Huge thanks again for all that Katie, you and your family share XXX

Jenny said...

Thank you for sharing Kevin and thank you for all you have done to keep us posted! I hope you are doing ok. Hugs to you and the family!!

Claire said...

Dear Kevin, thanks so much for sharing the rest of Katie's thoughts with us, all week I have been thinking of you all. I have been back here so many times to have another read of some of her posts, somehow it is very hard to say the final goodbye.
Keep strong for Katie and your boys.
Claire xxx

Lorraine said...

Thank you so much for the update on Katie's service and for posting some of her ramblings. You are so sweet to post for those of us who are having a difficult time letting go.

I know there will come a time when you will stop posting here - it will probably be necessary for you to move forward. I just want you to know that you are a very special person - you were Katie's rock through this difficult journey. God bless you & your family.

Jakie said...

We are keeping you and your family in our prayers.

IamDerby said...

Thank you for the update on Katies service and the continued posting. Even though you may not continue it its nice to hear that you are ok (or at least muddling through). I thank you for the time you are taking in doing that. Hugs to you and your family.

Steph said...

Kevin, thank you for sharing so much with the crafting community. I'm sure Katie would appreciate it. You and the boys are in my thoughts and prayers! May God give you peace and a heart full of wonderful and loving memories of a beautiful wife and mother!!!!!

Morti said...

Hi Kevin.

I can't say as I knew Katie really, having only touched on her blog from time to time through links on others, but please know that crafting is a huge sisterhood, and we all mourn the loss of one of our own, no matter how far away (I'm in the UK) or how little we know them. The loss of such creative talent touches us all, in addition to her other life aspects as wife, mother, sister, daughter...
This blog is a way of still connecting with Katie, and I send my love to you for the strength and the kindness you are showing by reaching out to all of us as well with your posts. You and Katie were obviously truly suited to one another.
Thank you.

ThePurplePlace said...

Kevin -- I am sure it must be very difficult for you to continue posting here and I totally respect your feelings, should you decide it's time for you to stop.

I want to thank you for taking the time to update us and I'm also happy to know that Katie's service was very nice. Please know we will continue to think of you all and can only imagine how hard the next part of this journey will be for you and the boys.

God Bless !

Dana said...

Kevin you are such a wonderful husband. I know that it must be hard to still post Katie's words but they are such a blessing to all of us. I have learned the true meaning of strength, courage and love from you and Katie. Her entires give us a purpose to fight. I don't know if you will keep her blog up after you complete her last entries but her fight was an inspiration for all of us who have dealt with cancer. Her words give us hope. I read them daily and know that her words give others strength. God bless your family and you Kevin.

Hugs
Dana

Squirrellyshirley said...

With each post, there are several pictures at the bottom of the post where it says "You might also like:". I ALWAYS click on those, seeing her creatations, tutorials, and family is simply heart warming. Such talent!! Thank you for posting!!

squirrellyshirley

Shirley said...

Kevin, you were so strong for her. How blessed she was to have you by her side. She was a trooper and whenever I have lost a loved one, I feel their presence at times. You may too. She loved all of you so much and appreciated what you all did for and with her in her fight. She was one courageous person. A role model for us all. I think of you and your sons often and send you my love and strength.

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