Today's Shout Outs: as always you bring a smile to my face!
Linda A, Laughlin (PTI), Victoria N, Krystie H, Terri M, Christi B, Shannon and Aurelio, Janice, Local Scrapbooking Ladies, Tammy B, Melissa L, Deb C, Aunt Beth and Uncle Jim, Joyce C, Donna McE,
Holly J, Lori G, Barbara Diane, Becky Jo, Donna V, Diane B
Once again, one month has left me and another has begun and I wasn't around to watch the exchange. This chemo was HARD, HARD, HARD. I wanted to rail against, scream, cry, and yell some more, but I didn't. There were no tears just intense nausea and fatigue. I hate being reminded that so and so left a message or that I spoke with that person or this person, or who came and visited, what I did or didn't do. The nausea was so bad this time that my own spit made me ill to my stomach. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and just disappear. I am so fatigued it feels like a marathon going up and down the stairs. I hate feeling this way.
I did eventually wake up and by then it was Monday and I really felt no better. We decided to call the nurses at the infusion center and I went in to have blood drawn and of course everything was as right as rain, except for the fact that I was slightly dehydrated which makes everything worse. Bottom line... buck up girly and drink the damn fluid!
Monday is not the normal day that I go to the infusion center, so it always feels different going in on an off day. It was standing room only at 3:00pm this Monday and I sat on a stool waiting to get to a proper blood draw space.
Let me tell, I didn't like what I saw. It was the only time I shed a tear for myself and for all those laying and sitting there with their IV's attached. What a horrible site to scan the room and see these men and women in their chairs. Some had visitors who were quietly talking with them, some were sleeping as best they could, and some were just there. DAMN CANCER! No it isn't fair that they or I have to be subjected to this!
As I sat there waiting, I could smell the odors of the room. I don't even know if they are real or not, but to me they are and they have started to make me sick to my stomach. Of course the nausea doesn't help, but even when Kevin gets the cotton ball swab and alcohol out and dabs my stomach to get it ready for my shot, I just cringe. I hate that antiseptic smell. I have always been the "good" one when it came to needles and blood work. Hey, I have good veins... go for it. I always watched, I never winced, it didn't really hurt.
Look at me know. Its only been 3 months of digging and prodding and I feel like a baby. Of course I would never let the Nurses or Doctors in on my secret, but I'll share it with you. I should be grateful that I have a port that makes blood access and chemo access smoother and easier, but I'm not. After 2 plus months of it, I still hate it. Its ugly and in all honesty is more visible now than when it first got put in. I had no idea it takes so long for swelling to completely go away. Plus, it hurts when its accessed. It doesn't hurt long term, but it does hurt even with the cold spray or numbing lotion.
I sound angry don't I? I guess its because I am and I'm just literally pissed off that this is my life now and that it isn't going away in the foreseeable future.
I won't be angry for long, that's not my nature and Kevin won't allow it. Its not healthy nor productive and I totally understand that. I get it, I really do, so I promise I'll be better next time.