Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Grumpy and kicking!

Today's Shout Outs: as always you bring a smile to my face!

Linda A, Laughlin (PTI), Victoria N, Krystie H, Terri M, Christi B, Shannon and Aurelio, Janice, Local Scrapbooking Ladies, Tammy B, Melissa L, Deb C, Aunt Beth and Uncle Jim, Joyce C, Donna McE, 
Holly J, Lori G, Barbara Diane, Becky Jo, Donna V, Diane B

*******************************************************************

Dear friends,

Once again, one month has left me and another has begun and I wasn't around to watch the exchange.  This chemo was HARD, HARD, HARD.  I  wanted to rail against, scream, cry, and yell some more, but I didn't.  There were no tears just intense nausea and fatigue.  I hate being reminded that so and so left a message or that I spoke with that person or this person, or who came and visited, what I did or didn't do.  The nausea was so bad this time that my own spit made me ill to my stomach.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and just disappear.  I am so fatigued it feels like a marathon going up and down the stairs.  I hate feeling this way.

I did eventually wake up and by then it was Monday and I really felt no better.  We decided to call the nurses at the infusion center and I went in to have blood drawn and of course everything was as right as rain, except for the fact that I was slightly dehydrated which makes everything worse.   Bottom line... buck up girly and drink the damn fluid!

Monday is not the normal day that I go to the infusion center, so it always feels different going in on an off day.  It was standing room only at 3:00pm this Monday and I sat on a stool waiting to get to a proper blood draw space.

Let me tell, I didn't like what I saw.  It was the only time I shed a tear for myself and for all those laying and sitting there with their IV's attached.  What a horrible site to scan the room and see these men and women in their chairs.  Some had visitors who were quietly talking with them, some were sleeping as best they could, and some were just there.  DAMN CANCER!  No it isn't fair that they or I have to be subjected to this!

As I sat there waiting, I could smell the odors of the room.  I don't even know if they are real or not, but to me they are and they have started to make me sick to my stomach.  Of course the nausea doesn't help, but even when Kevin gets the cotton ball swab and alcohol out and dabs my stomach to get it ready for my shot, I just cringe.  I hate that antiseptic smell.  I have always been the "good" one when it came to needles and blood work.  Hey, I have good veins... go for it.  I always watched, I never winced, it didn't really hurt.

Look at me know.  Its only been 3 months of digging and prodding and I feel like a baby.  Of course I would never let the Nurses or Doctors in on my secret, but I'll share it with you.  I should be grateful that I have a port that makes blood access and chemo access smoother and easier, but I'm not.  After 2 plus months of it, I still hate it.  Its ugly and in all honesty is more visible now than when it first got put in. I had no idea it takes so long for swelling to completely go away.  Plus, it hurts when its accessed.  It doesn't hurt long term, but it does hurt even with the cold spray or numbing lotion.

I sound angry don't I?  I guess its because I am and I'm just literally pissed off that this is my life now and that it isn't going away in the foreseeable future.

I won't be angry for long, that's not my nature and Kevin won't allow it.  Its not healthy nor productive and I totally understand that.  I get it, I really do, so I promise I'll be better next time.

-Katie

64 comments:

JenMarie said...

Love you Katie!!

Geny (Mommy Geny) said...

Sending you hugs and well wishes! I am so sorry you or anyone else has to go through this...hope today is a better day! ♥

Tammy Hershberger said...

You rant and vent and kick and scream and be as angry as you want to, Katie! We're here for you, and love you!!! Hugs and prayers!

Holly said...

I was just thinking of you yesterday and hoping this round of chemo would be better for you. I'm so sorry it wasn't. I want to say things like "It's always darkest before dawn" or "things get worse before they get better", but I know hearing those things don't help you one bit. I will just say that you are right - Cancer does suck and it sucks that you are having to go through this, but we all love you and are pulling for you and we're here to listen, so yell all you want!

cheryl (clee') said...

I feel angry FOR you - and for what you and all the others are having to go through. You are so right - that it isn't fair - but now you know the big secret: life ISN'T fair. Otherwise some really evil people would get cancer and not young mothers and fathers of children or the children themselves or beautiful caring family and friends who make the world better just by being.



Thinking cheerful and anti-nausea thoughts for you, Katie :)

Sue Ann said...

Thinking of you Katie ....... I really have no words of wisdom but I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. xoxoxo

Marni said...

Dear Katie - You are an inspiration! You are completely entitled to feel angry and p-ohed. Those feelings are all part of the process and the important thing is that you DO come out of those feelings because you get them out of your system, which is a totally healthy thing to do. So you go girl! You kick and scream and get it all out. You are beautiful!!!

cbuswell said...

it's good to release the anger! I really hope the nausea improves soon, it must really bring you down. Thinking of you! and here's a big (( HUG )) : )

Becky Sorensen said...

Katie - Its ok! You have the right to get angry but, you don't stay angry! You pull up your big girl panties and get on with it!! You are a trooper and even if you didn't remember at first that the boys and I hung out on Friday, its ok, I wasn't there to hang out with you, I was there with the boys and you were doing what you were supposed to do -sleep!!!!! lol Glad that today is a better day and we will keep on doing what we need to do.

Gram's Treasures said...

Good for you Katie...let it all out!! It always helps to vent, and we make good listeners. Take care.
Joyce xx

Candy F. said...

Hey Girlie -- Sending lots of love your way. I'm glad you are angry because that means you are fighting. Just don't stay angry for too long! Wish I was there with you especially on the days when you aren't feeling so good.

Kathy W. said...

Love you, Katie! Thinking of you and can't wait to see you soon!:)

Lori said...

Katie,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I appreciate you taking the time to let us know what is going on. Like others have said, be angry, vent away...you know we are all here to hear you and support you. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.
Continued good thoughts and strength being sent your way

Novice Naturalist said...

I am sending love your way. Truthfully, I am angry too, and much reminded of that anger as I read your vivid description (you are a wonderful writer) of the infusion center. How is it that we as a culture, we as humans, have allowed so many toxins and pollutions into our air and water and food that we have such numbers of people affected so horrifically? We tolerate toxins because we quantify 'acceptable' amounts in terms of incomprehensible 'ppb' or some such and because we are socially addicted to the ease of life (UNTIL we personally are affected by cancer) and addicted as well to the monetary profit, individually and as a society. So, you see, as well as I am (luckily, and it is so often just luck), I can put on a pretty good rant myself.
You take care of your sweet self the best you can. Hugs and blessing your way, Jay

Gloria Dojlido said...

Dear Katie,

Sorry you are having a rough go of it. Anger is part of the process, venting is a good way to let it go.
You continue to be in my thoughts, hang in there!
Hugs,
Gloria

Pam~ said...

You are completely justified to feel anger and be pissed off. Let those feelings go Katie and I hope you feel better afterwards. I'm sending positive thoughts your way and hoping each day finds you stronger! Hugs to you!

Nancy ~ Inkcicles said...

I wish I could be a help to you especially in these times that you need it. I am praying for you today dear friend. Keep up the fight for your life. This world wouldn't be as bright without you.

HUGS,
~nance

Emily Painter-Davis said...

Vent away Vent Away!
You get it all out. You complain, yell, scream, cry... you have the right to how your feeling.
My God I'm the biggest wimp where needles are concerned. I can't imagine it. I won't let myself.
But I know you'd listen to me and tell me it will be ok. And that is what I (we) are here for.

When you are weak, lean on us. When you feel angry, let it out.


No one will judge you poorly for it.
Hugs & Many Prayers...
Emily

Jenn said...

Keep angry, Katie!! Keep using it to kick it's sorry lil' behind a long way away from you. You are STRONG - don't ever forget that. (((hugs)))

Hazeyj said...

Katie, despite how crappy you feel, your spirit still shines in your words! They are true and hard and brilliant like diamonds and you are teaching the rest of us to appreciate what this means to you and your beloveds and how lucky we are. Keep strong! Love and positive vibes, Hazel x

mististamps4fun said...

It's really ok to feel the way you do! I have had a couple of health issues that left me feeling the same way. Lots of blood draws, pokes and prods. After a while it just wears you down and you can't help but let the tears come! That is healthy and healing all at the same time! Keep your head up, you're doing great! And guess what.....You're normal!!! Nothing weak about it! Hang in there Katie! We are all pulling for you!! ♥♥♥

Bernadette said...

Keep kicking Katie! Do all that you have to do to kick this cancer down.

Christine from FL said...

You have every right to be angry with this cancer! Just by reading your blog I know you are a fighter and will beat this thing! Keep fighting- hugs to you and your family!

Debbie Nelson said...

So sorry,dear Katie, that you are feeling so rotten...let it out, don't try to keep it in! Have you tried the drug called Kytrel for nausea? You may want to ask your doctor about it.

Hoping you feel better soon. I know how you feel looking around the infusion center. I had my chemo yesterday...met two people there for their first time..another lady receiving her last treatment...two others that come in monthly for their maintenance chemo...I am looking forward to that day. I have been taking chemo this round for fourteen months...but trying not to complain, because it is working.

Hope you feel better each day. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Debbie

Robyn said...

It's all been so eloquently said by everyone else here....so I'll just say that I am thinking of you and sending you a hug from Australia !!

Conquest Keepsakes said...

I have something that will make you feel a little less grumpy... [Big Grin]

Kathy said...

I can only imagine how it must feel-I hate, hate, hate being nauseous-nothing smells good, everything tastes horrible. Poor baby! I am praying for you, Katie, to come to know the Lord. To give your heart and life to Him and let Him shoulder this burden you are carrying. He loves you!
hugs and prayers

Marg said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad I wish I had more to offer, I can only send you healing thoughts, hope and love from the UK. Take care x

deedoodle said...

Katie:
I cried reading this post. I remember going to the chmoe treatment with my dad and the smells of the chemicals. It's been 10 years and as you explain the room it is all so vivid.
Wow, you are going through so much. Although you are mad and pissed, you really deserve to be. Use that as your strength to kick this Cancer's Ass girl. I am praying, rooting and thinking about you all the time. I do not know you, but I support you in your fight.

Ted said...

Oh darlin', my heart just goes out to you. You're right. NOBODY should have to go through this! And I know it will do little good to let you know that I consider you something of a hero to me. You're so brave and I would be a whimpering little boy. You go ahead and cry and scream and get angry. God is okay with angry. He gets angry quite often, I'd imagine. Just know you have hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of prayer warriors battling on your behalf. Do NOT give up or give in... but also remember you're human. Emotions are okay... you're no Spock. :)

Stay strong.

Julia Aston said...

Oh my gosh Katie - I'm so glad you could get this out onto paper - I an totally understand how you feel wanting out of all this!

I'm thinking of you today GF - glad you treated yourself to some WMS stamps! you're gonna love 'em!! thanks for stopping by my blog today - you're always welome!!!

Joanna said...

Hey Katie,

It's good to be angry sometimes, and you have been so strong and level headed. You are dealing with crappy hand of cards, so it's time to let off some steam and VENT.

IamDerby said...

Aww Katie, I would be worried if you weren't angry. Scream, yell and be pissed off. Its ok! And then move on because youre right, anger really isnt all that productive. Saying prayers that you feel right as rain soon. Hoping the Chemo is doing its job well.

K. Joy said...

I really don't know what to say - I know I can't say anything to make you feel better right now. But I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you, and I hope tomorrow sees you feeling better, emotionally and physically.

Okay, I know this is silly, but I'm giving you the link to a stress reliever screen saver for your computer. My dad had it on his work computer for many years. You can turn it on and smash up the computer with a hammer and rip it up with a chainsaw and burn it up with a fire thrower and even rubber stamp it into oblivion! (At least back then - it's been a few years.) Complete with sound effects. :) Sometimes it helps to hear glass shatter and know that you aren't even breaking anything. Anyway, here is the link. Hope it works on your computer and brings a smile to your face. :)

http://www.freewarefiles.com/Stress-Relief_program_15886.html

Chef Mama Lori said...

Yelling & screaming with you about cancer. I HATE it. There, I feel better. I am THRILLED, though, that your counts are good. THAT is excellent. The medicine is doing it's job to keep those numbers up. I wish I could make a meal that would taste good before you went into chemo. The nurses kept telling Kathy & Linda to be sure and eat a good meal before they went. In Houston I would TRY to get Kathy to eat, but I always thought, "How in the world is she supposed to eat a good meal when she feels like poop?"

Gentle hugs my sweet friend.

Sue from Oregon said...

Katie, considering what you are going through, a few grumpy days are in order. I am sending you a big hug and just letting you know I am here!

Barb said...

Thinking of you as always Katie. You have every right to be mad! Channel that energy and show cancer who's boss! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, Barb

Lorraine said...

Get angry, rant, rave - all you want. Get it out of your system. Stay strong Katie - we all believe in you and are praying & pulling for you! Hope you feel better soon!

Joan B said...

Unfair to the max. Hope writing helps a bit as we are listening. Hugs and I hope the nausea lifts.

Jak Heath said...

Oh hunny go into the back yard and scream your lungs out if it helps, you're allowed to be pissed, take kevin out with you and let his have a scream too, it would probably do you both the world of good to get it out.
love you Katie and hunny if you feel angry now and again it is acceptable and also part of the process I think.
Jak x

Barb- NICUGypsy said...

Oh sweet Katie, I am so very sorry that you are having such a difficult time with the fatigue and nausea this round. Praying that each day you feel better and feel good for a stretch before starting again. You can do it girl and you have every right to bitch and scream. Hugs., barb

Allison said...

I think I relate best to angry posts. Seems to be the most real way that one could respond to a situation such as yours. So kick in the doors and vent...I think you are well deserved to do so. Ugh...hate this. Not fair.

Claire said...

I just wanted to send you my love and best wishes. Claire xx

Auntie Em said...

Anger takes away energy...fight but fight strong and positive! You can do this!!!! That's all there is to it! You just have to do it.
{{{Hugs}}}

Dawn B. said...

Thinking about you today and in all the days to come. Sending hugs and love..

Made by Mandy said...

Katie, I think it is only understandable that you will have days when you are angry, afterall what you are going through has affected all your families lives in such a big way. You have such a fighting spirit that there is no way that it is going to keep you that way for long.

I think it is wonderful that you share your feelings with us in such a open and frank way. I bet in years to come you will read all this and not recognise the person that wrote them.

Sending you lots of love and big squishy hugs xxx

Linda said...

Oh, Katie. Reading this I can't get past the words "In this world, you will have trouble", those words of Jesus are so very true even after all these years.
You are bringing us with you, in your gift of writing, into just how deep that "trouble" can be. Yet, not having been there, it is still not as real to me as one who is there.
And, in this place of being with you in heart, but not body, I
have anger for you, for others, for the pain in this world and in our lives.
I think it is dwelling in the anger that is destructive, not the feeling it and expressing it when you need to. That just seems normal and necessary.
I pray that when the anger is spent, you can know the reality of curling up in His arms, full of His comfort and love and promise, and find a place of rest in the middle of this turmoil.
That is my prayer for you from one who has been there in those arms of rest and comfort.

~amy~ said...

Girl, we are all here for YOU...

Grandma Nancy said...

Hugs, love and prayers. You are doing a great job and, no, it isn't fair!!! I'm with you on that. I pray that a cure will be found SOON!!! Tell Kevin I think he is doing a great job and I'm sorry he has to go through this too. It isn't easy for loved ones to watch you suffer! XXXOOO

Claire said...

You express your anger any you want Katie, it is good for the soul. Once it is out of your system it will leave room for positive thoughts. I can feel your anger towards cancer, it strikes the nicest people all the time, never the bad ones.
Keep fighting girl, we are 100% with you all the way. I hope the week keeps improving for you.
All my love
Claire xxx

Whimcees said...

Hello!

You have every right to feel anger Katie! You are dealing with a nightmare of this horrible disease, the chemo and all that this includes. Sometimes anger is the only way one can conquer the fears and summon up the energy to fight and you are fighting a major battle here. Justified anger and feeling sadness that this has come into your life is so normal. You by no means are using this negatively or refusing the difficult things you have to do to have a pity party of one. Dang it Katie - you are so wonderfully brave. Stay strong and know that so many send you love!

Wishing you a much better week!

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Adrenalina said...

Hi Katie.. I been reading you since the beginning.. I'm cacer survior and I use this product and works a lot in all the side effects of nausea.. it is a little expensive but it is worthed I recommended 100% do your own research and try to use it.. I'm not a seller or aything it is just something I use and let me tell you it helps a LOT!! and another friend with metastasis for more than ten years recomend me the product here is the name.. http://www.immunocal.com/
in case you want to ask me more here is my emai.. magdacortez@hotmail.com
God Bless you.. you are in my prayers ;)

LaurieJ said...

Your anger is a very natural response, Katie, so let it out! I think your anger will help your "fight response". And as you can see, you've got lots of people here to vent to, and lean on, and laugh with depending on the day. We're not going anywhere.
Sending you hugs and prayers.

Sue said...

Oh Katie. You have every right to be pissed off. Happy for you that you have this outlet to scream out to the world. So much better than keeping it in. Hugs to you and special hugs to Kevin ..... as a fellow care-giver to a spouse battling the C-monster.....I know some of what he's going through. May you both find peace and tranquility in the little things.....SueC

Sparkly Pink Star said...

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so ill, you have ever right to be mad, angry, sad etc. I hope things get better for you soon. Hugs x

Susan said...

You just go right ahead and vent, Katie. Vent to us and we will listen and we care. And we will share your anger, because we cannot do anything to make it all better. So let loose with the anger. And then remember that you are loved and cared for and there are better times ahead for you and for your family. Revel in the good times, and let us help you carry the burden of the bad times.

Jodi Collins aka Kharmagirl said...

{{{Katie}}} sending hugs! Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you!

Jesi said...

I wish I could say something or do something to take away your pain, to make you feel better. I'm so sorry I can't do it. You know I'm writing from Argentina. I hope you know you're touching many many lives. I don't know if it's important to you, but at least I hope you can feel us supporting you.

jackib said...

Dont you wish you could take your anger out on that miserable cancer invading your body? Wouldn't it feel great to just beat the crap out of it with your little fists? Pound and pound on it with all your might til it ran away in fear? You poor girl - we are all sending our best good wishes for you. <3

judy said...

You don't need to be any different
than exactly how you are! You
have every right to feel anger and
to state aloud, that it is hard, very
hard and sad. You are fighting with
candor and spirit; don't deny yourself the right to tell the truth
without sugar coating! That would
be too much to ask of anyone.

True :) said...

You have every right to be angry my friend!
I will be so happy when this all turns around for you.
Keeping you in my prayers!
Hugs,
True :D

Adela said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Katie. Sending you lots of hugs.

Donna said...

Oh katie, I'm so sorry this round of chemo has been so horrible for you hun and of course you must feel angry, who wouldn't be, so you shout and scream as much as you need. We are always here to listen, I wish there was more we could do for you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, just remember the dark clouds will pass and it will be a brighter day soon. Hugs Donna x

Curt in Carmel said...

Hey Kiddo! You kick, scream, cuss, jump up and down, and whatever else comes to mind. You know what all of that means????? It means that you are alive! It means that you still feel emotion. And most importantly, it means you still have the fight in ya! I'm glad to hear that Kevin is your balance. He's doing a great job, and I love him for that. I won't even pretend to know what you are going through, and it sounds horrible. But there is only one alternative to all of this, and I know that is something that isn't even an option for you. So fight the good fight girly girl! You are going to get through this! Best, Curt

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