Saturday, February 12, 2011

I've lost myself for a bit...

Dear friends,

This is my third day day of chemo, the second for the infusion pump and let me tell you its hard for me.  I woke up this morning teary because I can easily remember how good I felt Thursday morning all full of spunk getting ready for the big day.  Kevin called my "perky" on our drive over.  My energy slowly gets less and less as the day goes on and then by the time its time to come home, I feel as though I've lost myself for a little while.

I still feel this way right now.  I am not the same person 3 days ago and it takes a while for me to go back to the way I was.  I feel heavy and tired... like I"m just plodding along.  I'm not faint, but I'm not steady either and usually use the walls, door corners and furniture to help me along... slowly making progress as I go; much like someone who has had way too much to drink.

There are times that I just sit and stare at nothing in particular having forgotten or just too tired to keep going with what I had wanted to to do in the first place.



Everything is different, the way I feel, my mouth is dry again, I'm nauseous again, I'm tired, and most importantly, I had to say good-bye to who I was just a few days ago and wait for me to come back slowly but surely.  I miss that other Katie, the one that is there under all this medicine!  I know she'll come back, but I hate waiting.

Thank you all for your constant support and well wishes... they continue to bolster me and keep me afloat.

Until next time.

-Katie

62 comments:

JenMarie said...

Love you Katie! {HUGS}

Sue from Oregon said...

I hope you find motivation in knowing that you will be the ole perky Katie in a few days, and until then...go with the flow of it all and let your body rest.

Marg said...

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I hope God gives you the strength to plod through it, don't try to hard to be a hero rest and relax as much as you can.

Saskia said...

Hello Katie, take it easy untill the 'old' Katie is back! And just know that lots of people are thinking of you and loving you!!!

Sweet greetings, Saskia :)

Jak Heath said...

Katie keep thinking that this is a step forward to shrinking that rotton stinker and you will get there. Tough days at the beginning of it but each day will get easier, this is the worst honey.

Be strong and you'll soon find our Katie, you'll see.
Love ya loads.
Jak x

sweet craf-tea chick said...

sorry i have not been by for awhile. keeping you in my thoughts always. big *hugs* steph

Novice Naturalist said...

Hey Katie: Hugs and snuggles and good healing thoughts coming your way. You are still enough of the 'old' Katie to be a refreshingly honest and very engaging writer, you know! Bless you.

Joan B said...

you are there, just hidden under the tumor fighting drugs. sleep. you need it. hugs. and enjoy disney. you deserve that too.

Sue Ann said...

Checking in to say Hello and I will keep the positive energy heading your way that you return to your feel good Katie ASAP!!! Lots of hugs and kisses ...... the great thing about virtual xoxox NO GERMS :) So xoxox to you sweet Katie!!!

Kathy said...

I'm not under the influence of chemo drugs but I know what you mean about losing yourself. I'm praying for you, Katie-I know you will return to being "perky" as the fog lifts.
blessings,
Kathy

Gina said...

Oh sweetheart.... just keep focusing on the Katie that's fighting her way back. The more you think about her, the stronger she will become :) Much love to you and yours XXX

Runnergirl Creations said...

Hang in there, Katie! You'll see the side of you that you enjoy soon! You are still the same person even though it feels like you are different & have lost touch. Brighter days are coming!!God is still with you! :) Blessings!

Elizabeth said...

La La Land is a happy place to go and you won't stay there long. Rest and enjoy your visit. Love you, MIL

Louise Williams said...

awww hunee, you'll be back and all this will be behind you soon. Things like this do change a person, but usually for the better. This experience will make you stronger, happier and more vibrant in the life you'll lead once you have your health back (and with the blood counts changing the way they are you know it's working!)... You'll get you back, and we'll all be glad to see you :) x

Kelly S. said...

Each minute that goes by will be another minute closer to when you are feeling better again. You are so brave and strong, Katie! Such a fighter!!!

Donna C said...

We all want that Katie to come back. At least you know that she will come back, and that we are all here to help lift you up.

Donna C said...

We all want that Katie to come back. At least you know that she will come back, and that we are all here to help lift you up.

isu.alum said...

Fight on Katie...You've got the whole world on your side...Get some of that Warrior Spirit and Hold on tight! Hugz...

Donna said...

Oh Katie, I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is for you but remember those clouds will blow away soon and perky Katie will return. Big Hugs. Donna x

cbuswell said...

Thinking of you...

Ted said...

Leaning on doors and furniture is one thing.

Leaning on God is something entirely different.

Praying you trust Him.

Gloria Dojlido said...

Hang in there sweet Katie. The fog will lift and the Perky Katie will emerge once again. Keeping you in my thoughts girl...all across the miles!!! HUGS

Linda S. said...

Katie, just checking in...you need your rest...just do it!! We will keep up the prayers and thoughts for you while you snooozzzzzz. You will feel better soon, I am sure of it. Linda

Cricket said...

Hang in there Katie. Just know that once the fog lifts, the old Katie will emerge like a beautiful butterfly.

Prayers always!

Cricket

Claire said...

Just rest for now, you will come through this a stronger person once the fog clears.Feel free to lean on anything in your life to support you, I' sure we'll all be there to help.
Loads of love
Claire xxx

Barb said...

Thinking of you Katie. Hang on!

Christine from FL said...

Hang in there and get the rest you need to build up your strength. Better days are ahead!

susanc said...

Hang in there. I hope you wake up feeling better in the morning and that you get your strength back and feel like yourself soon. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. xxxxx

Chef Mama Lori said...

Praying daily for you. I have been needing to find a big enough envelope for a card. Today I remembered that a VERY SPECIAL FRIEND once did a tutorial on envelopes that I could use to make one that fits! Hoping to mail something SOON now!

Susan said...

Hang in there, Katie. That seems so inadequate to say, but I am praying for you and wishing you, as always, far more good days than bad.

Linda F said...

You have many friends praying for you. Getting some rest right now is what your body needs. Don't fight it, rest and let the healing start. Soon you will get some strength back and start feeling better. It just takes time. Praying for you.

Jill said...

Dear, dear Katie sending you hugs and prayers across the ocean. I pray that God is carrying you just as in the 'Footsteps' poem. May you feel the strength of his arms holding you up.

God bless, Jill (N Ireland)

Wanda said...

Katie, I know it's difficult when there is a bad day. But when you think of it, while laying there, ask GOD to deliver you - and he will. He says in his word "cry out to me and I will deliver" (psalms). But when you are not feeling like even doing that, know that I am here praying this for you. He is already delivering you friend. Love to you and may you see a blessing today!

Susie said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry to hear that the chemo has made you feel "not yourself" again. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
I hope you will be feeling better today!
Please know that I am praying for you each and every day.

Linda said...

Fight the good fight, honey, but let yourself sleep and rest as you need so the chemo can do its job.
If you feel so yucky, imagine how the true target of the chemo.. the tumor cells are feeling! They are shrinking!
When the Katie you want to be reappears, she will be even better.
Love and hugs and prayers for you and the family, hang in honey, Disney is coming... and we want pictures, lots and lots of pictures.

Kim H. said...

I am so sorry you are feeling badly from the chemo again. You are in our thoughts in prayers each day and I am sending a big hug over the miles.

Becky Jo said...

Oh, Katie, I hate you to have to go thru this. I'm sure it will all be worth it when it's over and you return to the ole Katie all the time! My friend once told me you have to go thru the bad to appreciate the good in life. Guess she was right. Big Hugs!!

Whimcees said...

Hello!

God love you Katie girl - and give you strength to get through this difficult time. You are such a brave and courageous woman and I send you good wishes that the week ahead gets easier. Be strong!

You are in my prayers every day.

Hugs,

Barbara Diane

Vicki Wizniuk said...

Though I haven't commented in a while, I follow along with your posts and I think about you daily.

Something that my SIL told me when I was scared to go through labour and delivery was that it (the pain) won't last forever. She said that someone told her that and it helped her through it. I know that what you are going through is nothing at all like labour, but it's just something that runs through my mind every time I have a difficult journey ahead of me, whatever it may be, and it gives me a little more strength to trudge on. Just know that this too, shall pass.

Big HUGS and lots of love, sweetie!

Jacqueline's Weblog said...

I'm thinking of you Katie! Keep strong!
Hugs Jacqueline

jackib said...

Does it feel odd to you that so many of us strangers are caring about you, praying for you, thinking of you so often, and wishing we could do something to help? Although I wish I had "met" you under different circumstances, I am so warmed to be a part of this "go Katie" group of well wishers. Hang in there. Just rest, it's ok. {{hugs}}

Sharon said...

i missed what kind of cancer you have but i have breast cancer twice now have it for the third time will find out treatment on wed. I would get my treatment on wed go to be on sat when it hit me and not get up till the next sunday just in time to start all over again. i made it thought the year of treatment just fine now have my life back for 3 years I hope you will get yours back, not hope it does come back you have a better lust for life awards. You stop to se the little things you missed before.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping that you are feeling more like yourself very soon. Take care xxxxx

judy said...

It is so hard to feel like yourself
while undergoing chemo!! Take care
and allow yourself time to rest and
stare off if need be, while you wait
for yourself to feel like you again.
Take care!!

{Lynn - that's me!} said...

God loves you Katie and I pray for your strength and courage. Hugs to you!

Emily Painter-Davis said...

Tired Katie is just one facet of you. And we love you. Perky katie will make her way back...

love and hugs.
Em

Steph :o) said...

You're on my mind like crazy this week, friend. Feel better soon so I can bring you goodies. <3

Sue W said...

Hi Katie.......sounds as though a vacation is just the thing you need to lift your spirits!
Have a break away from this routine ... enjoy being a family on holiday for a few days it will do you more good than anything else I'm sure!
Take care Katie. x

Runnergirl Creations said...

Katie, I was praying for you today & this song came to mind... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pC1gnDHeeA

Mascha van Dijk Zimmerman said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go true this rough time.
I know things will be better later.
Please hold on, enjoy the (very)smal things.
Take care, Hugs Mascha, Netehrlands.

Lorraine said...

Love, prayers & well wishes being sent your way, Katie!

Laura said...

Katie,
I just heard about your recent setback and felt compelled to tell you that I will pray for you. I am a cancer survivor and life is fuller now. God is holding you tightly right now.
Laura from Oregon

IamDerby said...

Katie, I wish I was there to give you a big ole hug and tell you not to worry. I hope the chemo hang over wears off quick. Lots of love to you.

LaurieJ said...

We're here for you Katie. Know that you can lean on us for words of support and positive thoughts as you fight through this difficult time. Here's hoping you are one day closer to feeling "perky" again. Hugs, Laurie

Salomi said...

Hey Katie,

We all love You .... We want to see a smiling face every time you POST a Pic Please....

LOve and Hugs

Salomi

Connie Lambropoulos said...

I'm praying that by now you are feeling a bit more like yourself. I can't imagine all that you are going through, but know that there are many people praying for you and your family.

Curt in Carmel said...

Hey Kiddo. . .Sorry you are going through this yet again. But the important thing is that the "other" Katie comes back time and time again, until she is back for good. And that will be soon, you just need to believe that and go through this because it is what you have to do to get things ready for the "other" Katie's permanent return. While you are going through this, just accept it as what it is. Sleep, rest, vegetate, stare, hold on to furniture, etc. Just know that there is a day coming that this will no longer be a part of your being. Know that you are loved and admired by so many. Hugs to you, Kevin, and the kids. Best, Curt

Bonnie Weiss said...

Miss your smile, Katie but I know it will be back again soon. HUGS to you.

Debbie Nelson said...

Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I had chemo on Monday and I know how you feel...I call this phase after chemo "My out of body time"! It is hard to understand this feeling, if you haven't gone through it! It is comforting to know that your old feelings will return. We just have to take this as a sign that the chemo is working and killing those cancer cells! I pray that you will feel better each day....rest and give yourself time to heal!

Debbie Nelson

Lee said...

Think about you every day Katie.Lots of us in the UK love you,we know you are strong,but human too so of course you will feel like this.Keep blogging getting your feelings out is so important.Must be so hard for you all.Wish i was there to give you a BIG gentle HUG.Lee xxxxxxxxxxx

Vicki Dutcher said...

Just popped in to say HI! Know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers even though I don't stop by very often! I just read you are going to Dland -- have a blast you and your family deserve all the fun and memories you can create!!

Elliott said...

Katie,

I remember following two back to back surgeries and was finally home and on the road to recovery I was on some pretty good medicine (although nothing like you're experiencing.) There were days, many days, when the bulk of what I would do was lie in bed and watch episode after episode on The Food Network. I started to wonder where I went...I seemed like a shell of what person I had been before - but then, over time, my body healed and I didn't have to take as many meds and my mind started to "come back" (well, I'm probably still working on that one...LOL!) Just allow yourself to blank out for now...rest...relax...heal. You don't have to be anything but who you are right now, and you still are YOU, you're just allowing yourself time to heal.

Continuing to hold you and your precious family in prayers.

-Holly in SoCal

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