Today's shout outs:
Lisa H,Wanda G, Kelly B , Debbie G, Barb B, Kim A, Lisa L, Jill D, Shelly P, Marsha S, Lisa F, Libby H, CarrollAnn, Leanne P, Robbin P, Susan S, Lori G, Shannon and Linda, Judi, R, Fran N, Connie P, Denise J, Cindy M
Hi friends, today is Saturday and I feel much better than yesterday. Nausea wasn't an issue really for me yesterday or this morning so far, so I'll take the silver lining and run with it. The problem yesterday was the fog and fatigue. I was extremely tired all day, but wasn't able to just sleep it away.
The negative component of the fatigue was that it depressed me and made me angry at the same time. Made me angry with my situation, made me angry at the cancer, made me angry that I could tell that I was not the person I wanted to be on that particular day. It also made me more vulnerable... I wanted to cry more and huddle up and forget. I felt like I was a shell of what I should be. The simplest tasks were confusing and didn't make the most sense and when I couldn't get my thoughts out, then I got snappy with the most important person next to me. Yes, poor Kevin, although he did take it well and still loves me at the end of the day. In essence I was just pissed!
Kevin went to work for a bit and he called to check up on me. He had done what he needed to do downtown and was headed out to the transfer station. He has spent literally the last month not working and staying with me and it is really time that he slowly start weaning himself back into a modified work schedule.
When he called, I was just grumpy. I was grumpy that he was doing something that he used to do everyday. Ironically, he of course is driving around and doing work while thinking about me. Deep down I know this, yet it was still hard for me to not resent that he was doing something normal. I still don't feel normal, but in actuality he doesn't feel normal either. What hurts me the most is that the abnormality of my life has truly affected all those around me that I know and love, and it has affected their normalcy in either minor or major ways. I am the cause of that and that makes me sad. Ok... time to stop the wallowing... pheww... 2 deep breaths and lets move on!
The infusion port and pump is annoying and bothersome as well, but not debilitating. On the one hand I'm grateful for it because it is the right medicine that I need to fight my disease, but on the other hand it is a constant reminder that I do have this disease. I mentioned earlier that it makes a noise very similar to what a camera lens sounds like when it opens and closes, well, that noise has become so annoying to me. But again, the silver lining is that we can de-access it soon - 7 1/2 hours left. I am also extremely grateful that I don't have to wear it for 5 days as originally thought.
Another component that is starting to rear its ugly head is the loss of hair. Its coming. So far, no clumps, but every time I run my hands through my hair I get at least 5- 10 more or less strands. It will be decision time soon. Hats, scarves, wigs, or bald. Although I read somewhere that you can loose 1/2 your hair without anyone even noticing.
I'm glad I didn't write this in my much more angry mood last night. I don't think I was coherent anyway, and this always me to reflect better and recall some of those silver linings. Thank you Kevin for sending me to bed. The Lorazepam does help for my anxiousness and got me going for the sleep I did need.
Until the next time.