Can't sleep...

Dear friends,

Let me start by saying that I had a wonderful day with some of the loveliest women I know.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to attend and this morning I didn't necessarily feel that great, but I wanted to go, I needed to go and so my trusty friend Becky drove us there and I rested at times, chatted at times, helped at times, even ate at times.  By the end I felt good and that was good.  I love my card ladies!

Rest of the afternoon went fine, and then of course dinner time came and I thought I could manage a meal.  I did for a while, but I really wanted to get a little practice time with the dirt bike so I made the decision to expend the energy and do it, trust me I need it.  I honestly don't know and can't tell until it's too late, how much is too much. Well, when I came in things went down hill from there.

I came into the bedroom to lie down and then that always brings a host of emotions out for me.  It's a weird place to be always in bed and I always feel so isolated from the rest of the family.  It's like they are living their lives and I'm just listening from afar.  It's not like they are on some super adventure, they are usually out there doing the mundane, but it's the fact that I can hear their voices talking laughing, asking questions, just doing.  Clearly, I don't want them all in here with me... oh I don't know... am I making sense?  Either way what happens when I start "thinking"?  Here I come blog... I actually long handed most of my thoughts first and then grabbed the laptop after.

So, I 'm laying here trying to sleep and what comes into my head except the label "side show bulimic".  Immediately I think about all the people that I would offend by my off beat terminology especially when I know that bulimia is a serious illness, but since we know what the action that is necessarily for bulimia is already, I wonder about the long term effects. How long will it take?  What are the long and longer results?  I ask, but there aren't any real answers out there.  Most importantly, I want to keep my teeth.

Then I think of all the Holocaust survivors, the POW survivors, the survivors of so many heinous human acts against other humans.  It gets me that humans can do these types of things to each other, but how weird that what is happening to me is something that in a way my body is doing this to me.... why?  But, the key word here are survivors.  I observe, make note of, and try to truly understand what is going on with my body and I know that it's not the worst and that others have endured more, yet I still worry and wonder if MY body will recover and how things will manifest themselves in the future.  I worry and am hopeful at the same time and these are such diverse emotions and they pull at me - sad, happy, hopeful, despondent, angered, deceived... all these emotions that can be felt at the same time seem like too much, a catalyst churning, but to what? I wish I knew all the answers and then maybe I could sleep.  I bet we could all sleep if we knew the answers.

Ok, now, I'm off the chart out of it!

Until next time.

-Katie