Un-posted Draft "Chemo #6 and some ramblings"

Hi All,

Thank all of you for the cards and wishes these past few days.  As you know Katie's service was Monday morning.  The service was very nice and attended by many friends and family.  Thankfully the weather was not the rain that had plagued the days prior but clear and cold. I know that if Katie would have been there in a more tangible capacity she would have been very happy.


I don't know how much longer I will be posting on the bolg but I do have a few drafts that for whatever reason Katie didn't post; I have been going through them and I think that I will post most of them.  The post below was originally authored on March 10th and I remember quite clearly the reaction that she describes as I shared the same emotion and we talked quite a bit about it. You can look back to Good News! which is about the CT scan she is referring to in this post. In the end I truly think that we were unable to feel much joy since we knew that the chances were good it was to be a short term gain.

I also clearly remember a scared and saddened Katie who had just finished her google fest.  It is pretty clear just how poor your chances are of surviving a diagnosis such as hers if you sit down with google for a few minutes.  Dr Rubin had cautioned against spending too much time on google but it can be a mighty draw and one that you can't always resist.

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Dear friends,

Just like my title says, today is number 6 in my unknown number of chemo treatments.  What I'm going to write about today are my emotions this past week.  They surprised me and I've been thinking about them the last few days.  They might surprise you too, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from.

I've been so touched by all your comments, your tears, your exuberant emotion that you've shared with me these past few days.  You are there to help me through the hard times and you are there to share in the good times and I absolutely know that you are all INVESTED in me, my family, and my journey.  I kind of think of you all as my raft as I ride the waves, big and small, to my next destination.

I have to admit that I was a bit overwhelmed by your excitement over my news on Monday because for some reason I couldn't feel that excitement in my own heart and head.  NOW... stay with me here and don't gasp in shock.  I think when we left my appointment I felt more relief than anything.   I was relieve that it wasn't bad news and I was definitely glad with all the positive news we received.  I've been thinking about it of late and I think I'm emotionally stunted right now... what do you think of that terminally?  For the most part, I just don't feel those highs and lows as frequently.  The emotions are there don't get me wrong, but they pop at such random times it surprises me.

Its daunting to think that chemo may never stop.

I'm letting all of you help me ride the wave of good hope and enthusiasm for the wonderfully postivve news I was given on Monday.  It is hopeful and like I said in my earlier post it widens our horizons, but it is still so very difficult to let go of the long and unknown future for me and my family.

I know it seems crazy to have these dichotomous emotions and especailly right after such positive news was shared with us, but its just the way I've been feeling.  I have a guilty admission to share as well.  Googling can enlighten us, teach us, but it can also worry us and in some cases scare us needlessly.  I have been googling and for the most part its been to really cement some of the terms that I've heard over the past several months.

I have to be honest and let you all know that googling is depressing because the information is harsh and realistic.  I'm ok, because I'm not harsh, I'm not a quitter, and I don't let definitions and stories define me, but they are real.  They aren't misinformation or crazy ramblings.  They are about real life and real people.