MY PAPER HAVEN

Quick Update

2012-01-25T17:59:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

It's been a long time since I posted anything on the Blog and I thought it was time for me to check in and let you all know that we are still here and doing OK. The boys are doing well in school and have been in good spirits. I have the twins in an after school program that they really seem to like and Hunter is enjoying having a little brother free time in the afternoons.

We had a great Christmas at my Mom's house in Illinois. I decided a car trip was a great way to get out of town and have fun with the boys. All in all we visited Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, and Oregon. We had a great visit with Katie's friend Vicki in Springfield Missouri, and Katie's best friend Brenda in Palm Springs. I had a great time driving and the boys had a pretty good time riding, we had no fights and nobody got sick (a first for us). The only thing I have to say is I have a great group of boys and I would have had no problem getting up the morning after our trip to start over again!!

I know some of you are Facebook friends with me and I have to say I'm Sorry. I deactivated my account yesterday, I may be back at some point in the future but to tell you the truth I kind of enjoyed my first Facebook free day!

Well that's it for today, I think I have another unpublished draft or two to post and I promise I will get back to them at some point. Right now I am compiling Katie's blog into a single PDF document and have been thinking about converting it into an eBook format. We shall see....

Take care,
Kevin

You never know where you'll find it

2011-12-10T20:40:00.001-08:00

Hi all,

Just a short post to express a thought I had today when I took the boys to see a movie. (Side note: THANKS to those who sent the great movie gift cards!!) A while back, might have been last summer, Hunter was dead set on getting the book The Invention of Hugo Cabret and his Grandma was kind enough to run out and get him the book. He devoured the book in short order and commented on how much he enjoyed it. Now I have never read the book myself and typical of Hunter he didn't share the story line "well, it's really hard to explain".

Fast forward to today and I decide to take advantage of a weekend afternoon to grab some Subway and a movie, Hugo in 3D (my first 3D movie). I know the movie is based on Hunter's book but not knowing anything about the story and having only seen the previews, I am pretty much unprepared for the story line which revolves around Hugo, a boy initially living with his father after having his mother pass away.... shortly followed by his father being killed in a fire...

All of which brings us to the title of today's post, you never know where you'll find it. Looking for a nice quiet getaway we get smacked in the face with a story of a kid who after loosing his mother ends up loosing his father. I guess it played to several of my recent emotional triggers, the real and current loss of Katie and the fear that I too could not be around for my boys.

Now, as it turns out the story has a happy ending, the movie is wonderfully done and everyone enjoyed watching it. It just brings the point, you never know where you'll find it.

Take care,
Kevin

Unpublished and Untitled Draft

2011-12-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody,

Today marks the first day of being on my own. My fantastic Mom headed for Seattle and her plane back home at 2:00 AM last night and she should be setting down in St. Louis sometime soon. We will very much miss her and all the help she has provided. (short side note: she found some real joy in Kaite's crafting area and went about creating some cute cards)

Now that we are home alone it will be a challenge to juggle all the aspects of life. As some of you may know I work for the county south of our home so it is a 45 minute commute to work every morning and 45 back at home each night. I would much love to have the hour and a half to devote to the family but I truly feel that while it is a huge waste of time it is outweighed by what we get in return. I love our neighborhood and the feeling of community it provides. I love our schools, Columbia Elementary where the twins are in kindergarten is only a couple of block away and Hunter is walking distance from Whatcom Middle School (newly rebuilt, just reopened this year after burning almost to the ground). We have friends and support here and the boys love where we live. I really don't think uprooting them would do any good in the big picture.

As you can see in the Unpublished Draft below Katie was worried if the boys would think of her. With the twins she pops up all the time, sometimes in strange places. Hunter's birthday seemed like kind of a big deal this year and I was feeling overly generous with the kid. For as long as I can remember he has been asking "will you get me an iPod touch?" and my answer usually goes "No, and don't ask me again or I won't let you buy one with your own money". Well I broke down and got the kid his iPod and he was truly happy and keeps saying something like "isn't this the coolest thing in the world" to which Will finally answered "No, Mom being alive would be the coolest thing in the world".

I recently sold Katie's van and replaced it with the Jeep that Katie and I spent the early summer attempting to buy (long story with upset sales staff screaming obscenities at me). The van was bumming me out as it really was Katie's car and I really didn't like driving it. Following its departure Will and Nate were walking out to the car with my Mom and one of them was heard to say "I miss the van, it reminded me of Mom".

This post was from mid August just after the first round of chemo following our break. Katie wasn't feeling well, wasn't eating well, and was taking lots of pain medication. Looking back I question the break and if it made her condition worse or gave us some chemo free time prior to the end. I know there is no utility to looking back and second guessing the path we took, in the end all possible paths take us to the same location.

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Dear friends,

I feel a bit discombobulated this round of chemo, like its something new yet so familiar. I feel better that I recall, but I don't feel good either. Just a minute ago, I burst out into tear so what you ask... I have no idea. But then, the images of my children popped into my head, especially the ones of the Nate and Will coming into my room and saying they love. That's all they have to say while I'm lying in bed to just absolutely crush my heart. What will they think when I might not be here to have those words said to me. What will they think of me, What about Hunter, will he think I left him in such a precarious time in his life.

And Kevin who will be thrust into this unknown job, family, children dilemma. It hurts me to no end to think that I will be leaving him with so much. I know that he can handle anything, but I don't want to leave and I don't want us to be alone and apart. It honestly makes my chest hurt. I don't want to miss all the important things that will happen in their lives and it hurts to no end that I won't be the one that has shaped them into adulthood. I created them and did my best in the beginning, but it won't be me there to push them into the next stage or the stage after that. It won't be me holding their children and their grandhcildren.

And why today do I delve into this deep emotional state? I don' know... I'm not overly depressed right now, I'm not over sick feeling, I just am. I guess I don't want to be alone with out my family, their mine but when I'm gone they won't be anymore.

Who knows what other worldly family I may belong too, but it will still never be the same as MY family.

Unpublished Draft "Chemo #10"

2011-11-29T16:42:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Just a quick post and the very very short unpublished draft from Katie. This post doesn't say anything, then again it says something. Katie always wanted something to do while she was at chemo, unfortunately the drugs usually prevented her from completing anything. We would usually arrive at 8:00, blood work would be done, and the pre-medications would start around 9:00. By 9:30 Katie would be fast asleep and I would leave to take care of anything I needed to do; get drugs, clean house, get something to bring back for lunch. By the time I came back at 12:30 or so Katie would be starting to come out of the benadryl fog but then suffering from the chemo. This post is the result.

On the home front, now that we have Thanksgiving out of the way we turn to Hunter's birthday. On December 1st he will turn 12 and we will be heading back to the bowling alley for some fun (actually we will be going on Friday). We are taking a few of his friends and looking forward to some bad bowling, some greasy food, and lots of sugar filled drinks!!

This will be a repeat of last year just prior to Katie's diagnosis, she was suffering through a generally unsettled stomach and waiting for the GI appointment she had scheduled for late December. Here is a shot of Katie, Hunter, and Lisa all having a good time last birthday. We will all miss Katie this time around.

Thanks to all that have sent Hunter cards, he has really enjoyed getting them!

And here is Katie's attempt at a post from the infusion center, all twenty three words.

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Dear friends,

I'm posting from the infusion center today. I want to hurry and get a post done before I get too sleepy.

Unpublished Draft "A day is a day is a day...."

2011-11-25T23:32:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Well we made it through Thanksgiving and had a good time. Katie's fantastic sister Eden came up with Justin and we had a good dinner. I just finished a plate of totally unneeded leftovers and now I feel pretty sick...

Today marks my first trip to visit Katie. I had gone to the post office to pick up the mail from our P.O. box on my motorcycle and when I got home I looked at Katie's Ducati, which hasn't been ridden much lately and decided that it needed a ride. I started out without a clear goal in mind and ended up at the cemetery. Last time I was close I was picking up the death certificate from the funeral home and the canopy was still in place from her service and it was just a bit too much so I didn't stop. Today I walked to her grave to say hi.

Our plots sit next to a stream that travels through the cemetery and standing there listening to the wind in the trees and the water in the stream I was knew we had picked the right place. I plan on having a bench installed for our headstones and I'm looking forward to being able to go sit and visit.

Below you will find the next in the line of Katie's unpublished drafts. This one really hurts...

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Dear friends,

Living my life by blocks of days, tests, and treatments takes a toll on my psyche. There are good days, there are bad days, there are wonderful days, and there are awful days. I try to spread them out so nobody feels neglected. The funny thing is that there is really no telling (most of the time) which days might get which hat.

Today was an ok day. I'm coming out of the extreme yuckiness of my last chemo treatment which is a good day, but it also means that I'm just tired of the fight. I'm tired of waking up wondering how I'll feel, wondering if I roll over, will my stomach roll over too. Wondering if anything will sound, smell, or taste ok, let alone good.

Everyone says to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked without my hearing it. It's a good thing there are many other moments to seize.

1 week = 7 days
10 weeks = 70 days
6 months = 182 days
1 year = 365

You get the math. Today equals 146 days since my diagnosis and yes I'm happy to be alive, but on the other hand the days seem to add up rather slowly. I slipped through Mother's Day and all I have to say is that there should be a Kevin day. He did all the mothering to me and for me. These periods that I spend in bed are periods where I just disappear from everything. The boys get used to their Dad tucking them into bed, bathing them, cooking for them, etc. etc. (Mind you, Kevin's done all the cooking prior, but it still adds to the list) He helps me in and out of bed and cleans up after me... every day should be his day.

My chemo break sure went quickly. When I headed in last Friday for treatment, it was almost like a long forgotten memory. Unfortunately, the memory came back like a brick to the head and the routine continues on. Blood work is as normal as normal is. Ironically, I never have a good sense of what the results will be like. If I feel especially bad, the results might be better than normal and vice versa. Kevin has always said, I've never been in tune with my physical body anyway.

Twins Turn Six

2011-11-20T10:42:00.001-08:00

Hi All,

Just a quick note on the Twins and their birthday yesterday. The boys were excited for the day and had a fantastic time opening presents and cards. Thankfully the day was clear and sunny (although it was only 31 outside) so they were able to go out and ride their new bikes in front of the house for a while.

I want to say thank you for all the wonderful cards and gifts, it was great to open all the great cards!!

I'm going to sit down and work on the next of Katie's draft posts and see if I can't get it up in the next few days. I know many of you have commented about how tough it must be for me to post these, but it is actually quite nice to be able to post these as I like going back and reading Katie's older posts. It was sad to see the effect the drugs had on her and how foggy she was. As the chemo went on and the oxicocodone use went up her writing got more and more disjointed and I had to step in and do quite a bit of editing; funny since both my spelling and punctuation suck! The draft was authored around Mothers Day, which came and went with Katie in a deep chemo fog. We had just returned from Disneyland and she had chemo the Friday prior; she typed the post as she was coming back into the world.

Until then take care and thanks again for all the Twins cards!!

Kevin

Un-posted Draft "Chemo #6 and some ramblings"

2011-11-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Thank all of you for the cards and wishes these past few days. As you know Katie's service was Monday morning. The service was very nice and attended by many friends and family. Thankfully the weather was not the rain that had plagued the days prior but clear and cold. I know that if Katie would have been there in a more tangible capacity she would have been very happy.

I don't know how much longer I will be posting on the bolg but I do have a few drafts that for whatever reason Katie didn't post; I have been going through them and I think that I will post most of them. The post below was originally authored on March 10th and I remember quite clearly the reaction that she describes as I shared the same emotion and we talked quite a bit about it. You can look back to Good News! which is about the CT scan she is referring to in this post. In the end I truly think that we were unable to feel much joy since we knew that the chances were good it was to be a short term gain.

I also clearly remember a scared and saddened Katie who had just finished her google fest. It is pretty clear just how poor your chances are of surviving a diagnosis such as hers if you sit down with google for a few minutes. Dr Rubin had cautioned against spending too much time on google but it can be a mighty draw and one that you can't always resist.

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Dear friends,

Just like my title says, today is number 6 in my unknown number of chemo treatments. What I'm going to write about today are my emotions this past week. They surprised me and I've been thinking about them the last few days. They might surprise you too, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from.

I've been so touched by all your comments, your tears, your exuberant emotion that you've shared with me these past few days. You are there to help me through the hard times and you are there to share in the good times and I absolutely know that you are all INVESTED in me, my family, and my journey. I kind of think of you all as my raft as I ride the waves, big and small, to my next destination.

I have to admit that I was a bit overwhelmed by your excitement over my news on Monday because for some reason I couldn't feel that excitement in my own heart and head. NOW... stay with me here and don't gasp in shock. I think when we left my appointment I felt more relief than anything. I was relieve that it wasn't bad news and I was definitely glad with all the positive news we received. I've been thinking about it of late and I think I'm emotionally stunted right now... what do you think of that terminally? For the most part, I just don't feel those highs and lows as frequently. The emotions are there don't get me wrong, but they pop at such random times it surprises me.

Its daunting to think that chemo may never stop.

I'm letting all of you help me ride the wave of good hope and enthusiasm for the wonderfully postivve news I was given on Monday. It is hopeful and like I said in my earlier post it widens our horizons, but it is still so very difficult to let go of the long and unknown future for me and my family.

I know it seems crazy to have these dichotomous emotions and especailly right after such positive news was shared with us, but its just the way I've been feeling. I have a guilty admission to share as well. Googling can enlighten us, teach us, but it can also worry us and in some cases scare us needlessly. I have been googling and for the most part its been to really cement some of the terms that I've heard over the past several months.

I have to be honest and let you all know that googling is depressing because the information is harsh and realistic. I'm ok, because I'm not harsh, I'm not a quitter, and I don't let definitions and stories define me, but they are real. They aren't misinformation or crazy ramblings. They are about real life and real people.

Obituary

2011-11-10T18:33:00.001-08:00

http://www.molesfuneralhome.com/index.cfm?do=obituary&obID=3382

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-11-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Thank you all for your warm comments and thoughts on my last post.

We are back from making arrangements for Katie's service which will be held 10:30 AM Monday November 14th at Mole's Funeral Home Bayview Chapel located at 2465 Lakeway Drive in Bellingham, Washington 98229. I will provide a link to her obituary as one becomes available.

Take care,
Kevin

Peaceful End to a Beautiful Live

2011-11-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

It is with great sadness that I must report that Katie passed away at about 5:10 this morning. The final days of her life were pain free, peaceful, and surrounded by family and friends. We were never able to fully wake her again following Thursday nights battle with pain and nausea, but I know she was able to hear what was going on around her and was aware that she was surrounded with love. I will be making arrangements for Katie's memorial service and will post the details as soon as they are finalized. Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support through this entire journey.

Peace,
Kevin

Better Times

2011-11-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

As I was sitting here for the last few days I was looking back at the months since Katie's diagnosis and thinking about all the fun times we have had and trips we made. Things like our visit to Disneyland:

Or just the little times just sitting around the house reading a bedtime story to the twins:

The little trips we made as a family:

I know that when the years have passed we will not remember the nasty aspects of treatment or the pain and suffering we will remember the good times; the smiles and joy that we have had together.

Even here at the Hospice House we have been able to form some good memories, and have seen the smile we all love so much:

Katie has been sleeping peacefully since my last update and we are taking her medications down at a slow but steady pace looking for a place where we will be able to talk to her but she will not be in pain. I am hopeful that we will find the perfect balance but should we not I am happy that she is resting and comfortable.

Take care,
Kevin

Where did my light go?

2011-11-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Katie has had a very hard time as of late and has suffered quite a bit. Her pain and nausea were at times uncontrollable and for a bit all I could do was hold her as she cried, it broke my heart to see her in such pain and have no way of controlling it. The day we moved to the Hospice House Katie was switched from morphine to dilaudid for pain control. She had reached the point where the morphine was developing toxicity and some ugly side effects were starting to show up. Things like a little blond girl in pigtails standing at the foot of our bed, twitching, and auditory hallucinations hearing the voices of friends both old and new who were not there.

The original conversion from her dose of 90mg/hr of morphine to dilaudid was for her to get 10mg/hr with another 5mg as needed for pain control. Fast forward to last night and the dilaudid had been increased to 150mg/hr and again we had reached the point of toxicity. This time when she pushed the button for the demand dose of 75mg she would start shaking and vomiting with no relief from the pain. The staff were concerned that they would not be able to arrest the pain and would have to transport her to the ICU where they could anesthetize her under strict observation, much like going into surgery.

Fortunately they were able to control her pain but unfortunately she is now unconscious. At this point I do not know if I will be able to talk with my wife again and the prospect of that scares and saddens me like no other. Katie has been my constant companion for something like the last 21 years. I'm not sure what life is like without her.

Katie and I met while I was going to Jr. College in Centraila, WA. I had graduated from high school two years before Katie and by the time we met she had already surpassed my academic progress at CC. When we started dating I didn't have a goal or purpose for going to school, I guess it was just what I thought was expected. Katie gave me a purpose; I had to finish so I could follow her to the university. Even with a goal in mind my prior lack of focus caused me to be at Centralia for two quarters past Katie's graduation.

Being the focused, smart, fantastic person Katie is she decided that going to University of Washington in Seattle was her goal, and off to UW she went. I spent the next two quarters at CC trying to finish as quickly as possible while driving to UW every Friday night to get Katie so we could spend the weekend together in Chehalis. I would take her back late Sunday and go home to wait another week to see the love of my life.

As my graduation grew closer we talked about where we wanted to be. I was in favor of Evergreen in Olympia (state hippie college), Katie wanted UW, and we could both deal with Western. So off to Bellingham and Western Washington University it was. There again, Katie the good student finished before me.... What can I say she has always been smarter than I.

Shortly after school was over I started working for the City of Bellingham and we moved from our college apartment to our house of the last 16 years.

Not that you all wanted to read the story of how we got to Bellingham I don't know if Katie had ever gone into it. When I went to post today I noticed that she had started a post and never finished, as I read the post I thought it really spoke to how she felt just prior to coming in. I know Katie had big plans for writing her final post and a few others but in the end she felt as though she had lost the ability to type or form a coherent thought. I also consistently told her she was a freak for wanting to write about her demise...but for her I think it was a way to prepare for the inevitable and Katie has always been one to prepare.

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The following is Katie's unfinished post
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Dear friends,

This continues to be a rough go for me of late. I am feeling better but not consistently and that is rough on me both physically and mentally. I haven't quite stopped vomiting, meaning I haven't been free for an entire day yet. I escaped this morning by being what I consider very mentally strong. Breathing is good for you. I sat on the edge of my edge, my feet side by side tightly pressed together and my hands pressed down into the mattress right next to my sides. I rocked back and forth quickly and steadily just breathing through the nausea, almost rocking myself like you would do for a baby. It finally passed and I was glad that I managed to get through those moments.

This pain I feel is different that the discomfort of nausea or of any other type of symptom. I can blame chemo for a lot of my discomfort, but I can only blame this pain on the cancer. That scares me... it's a deeper feeling of mortality a sense of finality that is not the same type of emotion. I understand it myself, but it is difficult to explain.

I feel like in a way I've lost my purpose. I have the same roles to fulfill and the same duties as before the diagnosis, but I now feel like my role is to be sick. That is my job now, to manage how to be a sick person and for some reason it isn't fun and it doesn't feel very productive.

All of this seems so

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I'll post more later,

Kevin

Hospice House

2011-11-01T19:02:00.001-07:00

Hi,

Unfortunately it is Kevin again...

Today was a day marked by uncontrolled pain and hallucinations thought to be caused by the morphine. Katie's condition continues to degrade and I had to make the decision to bring Katie to the Hospice House today. We have a goal to get her pain and vomiting under control then return home in a couple of days.

Sorry for a short and poorly written post but I do need some sleep.

Take care,
K

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

At home but far from well

2011-10-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

Hi All,
Kevin here again. It has been a while since I last updated you on Katie's condition and I thought it was about time since things have evolved a bit since the last update. As you know we are home from the hospital and we were doing radiation treatment to arrest the bleeding in Katie's stomach. We have finished the 10 rounds of radiation and we thought we were past the bleeding but in the last couple of days Katie's nausea and vomiting have become worse and the bleeding has returned once again. She was going through a time of vomiting about once every hour and a half or so with quite a bit of blood in her vomit; not something I wanted to see. She has now seemed to have passed the worst of the bleeding and we have her nausea mostly under control.
0
In addition to the increased nausea is vastly increased pain. We have been upping her morphine dose almost every day, with her reaching 90mg/hr this afternoon. She is now pretty much pain free but is also pretty much unconscious. Our hospice nurse has tried to convince us to make the transition to the Hospice House, but as of this afternoon Katie has remained adamant that she is not ready to pack her bags just yet. We shall see what the future brings but please know that we have made the hard decision to stop treatments and not pursue further chemo or radiation. At this point we are continuing the TPN (IV nutrition) but we are not convinced it is helping her condition as her weight continues to drop.

Please keep Katie in your prayers and please keep the cards coming, she loves to look at all the wonderful crafting you put into your cards.

Take care,
Kevin

Going Home

2011-10-18T11:14:00.001-07:00

Quick update while I wait for Katie's transport to radiation to arrive. We will be heading home today! Just need to get radiation done, home meds sorted,and wait to discharge. We will be keeping on the same program of IV pain and nausea meds at home; I think I'm greeting close to having my homeschool nursing degree.Also found out that we were scheduled for 10 radiation treatments (six more after today). In the rush to get her started we didn't have a chance to go over the full details of how many and what the schedule would be, now we do.

2011-10-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

YAY FRIENDS!!!!

Yes it's me Katie here. Kevin has been doing a great job keeping you all updated, what a guy, he is very talented. Things are going pretty well here at the hospital, but it is very difficult for me to concentrate for very long due to all the pain meds. I leave most of the thinking to Kevin... it seriously wears me out.

The point is though that am so grateful for all of you taking the time to think of me and y family - IT DOES HELP!

The funny thing though is that I think I'll miss my crafting as much as anything else. I think of "crafting" almost like a 4th child... weird? Do any of you think like that?

Anyway, I really can't think of anything else to say. All the medical stuff has been addressed by Kevin and we don't have any other news about that. I have no idea what the radiation was like since I was knocked for both of them. Maybe I will manage to to be awake for the one that is scheduled for tomorrow.

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That is where Katie started to nod off... It was great to see her sitting up and chatting with her Dad and the nurse. She had her normal spark in her eye and was laughing and in good spirits. I know that all of my posts here have been pretty much sticking to the facts about what is going on; it is Katie's blog after all. Today I feel I need to share story from the other day before we started radiation.

I was laying here browsing Facebook reading all the positive thoughts, well wishes, prayers, and the such when I came across a photo posted by Katie's best friend Brenda. The photo shows Katie and the twins on the front porch of the house with her kneeling down with the twins with her infectious smile and love of the boys so clear to see. The contrast between the person in the photo and the person laying in front of me hit me like few other things have; the overwhelming feeling of loss at not seeing the smile and feeling the joy that she brings to all of our lives was more than I could really deal with. The rapidness of her condition, going from sewing nap pillows for the twins kindergarten class on Thursday to being told that she wouldn't be getting out of the hospital and there was no real hope past pain management at the Hospice House while she continued to slowly bleed to death was something I was not prepared to deal with.

We have spent quite a bit of time talking about what our future holds, what our short term goals are, what our longer term goals are, where we are going to be buried... What I hadn't done was take any time or put any thought into what I needed to say to Katie, what I needed to do before she is gone and as I looked at the photo and her laying in front of me I came to know that one thing I needed. I needed to feel the joy that her smile and touch brings, to have her at home, to see her with our boys.

I do have a bit of an update (those of you that are squeamish should stop here)

As you all know, we came to the hospital due to her pain and vomiting quite a large amount of blood (very black grainy liquid), something which is quite disconcerting. Over the time we have been here she has continued to vomit on a regular basis; a hard thing to watch. While I know it is torture for her, there is a small positive part; her emesis has been getting more and more clear every day and this morning I wasn't really seeing any blood; I hope this is a sign that the radiation is working and that we are one step closer to MY short term goal of seeing her on the porch smiling with our boys, only this time Hunter has to be there too!

On another note; this morning shortly before 6:00 I woke to Katie standing over me giving me a kiss and I was again filled with that feeling of joy that I know and love so much.

Take care,
Kevin

A Glimmer of Hope

2011-10-14T13:51:00.001-07:00

Hi again,

We had a consult with a Radiation Oncologist today and we are starting radiation therapy today. We have a 60-70% chance that the treatment will help to stop the bleeding.

As I type I am sitting holding Katie's hand while she sleeps on the CT scanner. The scan they just completed showed that the tumor is totally obstructing her stomach; something we suspected but that the endoscopy did not show. Shortly they will be prepping her for her first treatment, let's all pray we see positive results.

Take care,
Kevin

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Peace Health Radiation Therapy Center

A Sharp Turn Onto What Looks To Be A Short Road

2011-10-14T06:08:00.001-07:00

Hi All,

As many of you probably know from my recent Facebook post, Katie went in for an upper endoscopy to see if there was a localized site that could be treated to arrest her bleeding; unfortunately her GI Dr. only found diffuse bleeding that could not be addressed. At this point we are left without any real viable treatment options our only hope being that the bleeding resolves on its own or possible radiation therapy which may be able to address the bleeding. We are currently waiting to hear back from her oncologist to see if the radiation folks think they can do anything and what kind of torture it would be to do it.

Katie is being treated for her pain and nausea right now and is being kept as comfortable as she can be in the hospital setting. We are currently in a very nice large room that can accommodate quite a few family and friends, a big improvement over our last hospital stay. Should the bleeding not improve or radiation not be possible we will most likely be asking to move her to the Whatcom Hospice House to provide her with as much comfort as possible.

I want to thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers, I am constantly amazed by the support Katie, the boys, and I have received from all of you. I will update you as we know more.

Take care,
Kevin

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hospital Again.....

2011-10-11T19:59:00.001-07:00

Hi all,

Just a quick update on Katie. Unfortunately we are currently back in the hospital, Katie was suffering from a significant amount of pain, nausea, and vomiting with quite a bit of blood in her vomit.

We arrived at the ER this morning and were admitted to the hospital by late afternoon. She is currently receiving two units of blood and they will evaluate her blood loss to see where go from here. The blood is originating from the tumor in her stomach and may be problematic to get under control should it not slow on its own.

I will try to keep you all updated as we know more.

Take care,
Kevin

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Shopping

2011-10-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I'm a hanging in here... still no routine to the way I feel, but we've said it over and over again... it is what it is. So it worked out that I had no chemo yesterday due to really some miscommunication and in all honesty not a big deal. When I saw my oncologist, he was quite concerned for me for (that was Tuesday). I rarely cry when I visit him and I was in pain and crying and even though we discussed our next course of action, I don't think anything really stuck from that visit. He didn't think I would be ready by yesterday and yes I would have been, but an extra few days is really no big deal.

So, we took some of this extra time to do some "odd ball" shopping. We went and shopped plots, coffins, cemeteries etc. I think I have all my "wants" and "needs" figured out and I also have some peace of mind. I'm glad that Kevin went with me and that we were able to do this together without too much emotional upheaval. We are going to have a combined headstone with 2 plots.

For a while there I worried about a 3rd member, but I'm not going to worry about it now. I'll let Kevin and the "3rd" person figure it out when it comes their time.

I apologize ahead of time due to the subject matter... not that fun I know.

Thank you all for continuing with me on my journey... you all deserve kudos!!!!

Until next time.

-Katie

MultiMotions?

2011-10-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

It's getting hard. Everything. I felt well enough and coherent enough to walk with Lynds to get the boys last Friday. I walked with E and Kevin for the first of school and that was wonderful but Friday was the first day that I was able to pick them them up. I haven't dropped them off or taken them independently yet... it hurts!

Anyway seeing them raise their hand on the playground showing that they recognized me was a hard moment... one of those all emotions rolled into one. It was a surprise but I can't promise from one day to the next if I can get them. Will told me it was a nice surprise.

It took me 2 weeks to get to the point where I could actually get them.

Also, just wanted to let you know that I did get that brain MRI and it's a clean scan.

This moment is a good moment

2011-09-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

Today's Outs:

Aunt Beth and Uncle Jim, Donna McW, Sampson Family, Marie H, Barbara Diane x2, Michele H

************************

Boy, life is getting mess and messier, so many things getting in the way, but to be honest a lot is of it is in my head !Literally. I hate telling people that I "used" to be a smart person. Please forgive me if, and it happens again that I have forgotten to mention that I got one you YOUR SPECIAL cards.

Here is a little example of what happens a lot and of course happens and happens OVER again OVER while typing. I was a decent typist, but not for a long time. For some reason now, I can't ever seem to put my hands back on the keyboard in the same position. Gosh I hope I'm some sense.

************

So the next point is that its 2:11am here and I'm blogging. Yes, I woke up some what alert and by mysaelf which isn't the good part, normally we strive to awake with living, if you know what I mean. I'm going to try much shorter blogging and see if that works...we'll see!

*******************************

i love you family. i love you my friends. i wouldn't get by all these hard days with you.

Quick Update

2011-09-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since Katie felt like getting to the computer so I thought I would provide a quick update on her condition. Katie continues to be hooked up to the Total Parenteral Nutrition (TPN) IV (Wikipedia has a somewhat decent entry on TPN) and is currently receiving about 1500 calories a day. She has been able to eat a couple of things lately without getting sick and we are hoping the trend continues and improves. We have also had a change in her chemo regiment as a result of the TPN being hooked to her port 24/7, rather than going home with the portable infusion pump for her 5-FU, she has been receiving Xeloda a pill form of chemo that she takes morning and night for seven days (today being the last day). So far her nausea has been quite a bit better; a very welcome improvement over past treatments. Her red blood cell counts continue to be very low which resulted in her having to get another two units of blood.

As for the future? I think we will be staying on the Xeloda for at least the next round of chemo and Katie has another brain MRI scheduled for Friday; I'm hopeful they will continue to find there is nothing going on in her head. She will also be continuing the TPN until she is able to eat normally, although we are dropping down to 18 hours a day starting tomorrow.

Not all is bleak though, Katie was able to get up and make it to the Twins school picnic yesterday! The boys had fun eating lunch with Mom and Dad and then having us go out on the playground with them. It was great to see her out of the house for something other than a doctor visit.

Thank you all for your comments and emails, Katie gains great strength from your positive thoughts and prayers.

I've been swimming but it hasn't been pretty!

2011-09-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

Yikes friends! Another post with a long break and that is what has been going on. Let me catch you up. I even read the last post and it sounds ok... promising even, but I guess reality is slightly diffrerent than blogality because YESTERDAY was really the first day that I recall feeling some-what normal and that isn't so normal. I have managed at least one day since the 4th without vomiting.

After my release from the hospital I did get a visit from Hospice and so far so good, insurance is covering both components of my care. My goal is to not get re-admitted to the hospital, but I will be honest and say that if it takes that long again to be discharged, I'm walking out on my volition. My lawyer/blogger friend says it's not against the law you know....I'm keeping her to her word too!

This past week I had Hospice and a company called Infusion Solution come to my house. The hospice nurses have come to check on me, set me up with some fluids, take blood, etc. Having them come to the home has been an immense stress reliever for me and so much more comfortable.

The Infusion Solution people are the ones that are taking care of my "nutritional" needs at the moment... A bag of white nutritionally sound food that is hooked up to my port. They monitor vitamin levels and etc. and continue to tweak a perfect combination just for me! The bag fits into a lovely normal sized back pack and I am free to go gallivant around the country side. So far it's attached 24/7 but should be tapering off, 18 hours/ 12 hours/ 8 hours? Not exactly sure. I can continue to eat if I want, but as usual not much stays down.

All I can tell you is that I feel like I've been swimming and swimming, swimming in mud, dirt, muck, and every shade and thickness in between. It has been extremely hard for me to keep my head and attitude up above this river this time around. This has been the darkest I have felt since this whole experience has begun. I physically ache and the nausea can almost me unbearable at times and just laying there in bed seemed to take it's toll.

What it has done though is brought to light things (decisions) that I need to get taken care off. I've started to talk about the "important" stuff to the "mundane" stuff... I find that if I can start talking about them whether it's to strangers or the most important people to me it makes it easier to talk about them over and over again.

I need that. And I want everyone to understand that it's for ME not for YOU. It kills me to talk about certain things one minute, but the next day it may be like talking about changing one's pants. Every emotion is tenaciousness and brittle and hard to experience and I never know what emotions will emerge at that second, but I NEED to have them addressed one way or another over and over again... FOR ME.

School has started, but no journals for me yet. It's important that I have try to hand write all my things that I want to touch on. I've decided they will really be more snip its/ stories/ anecdotes/ history/hopes etc for all of us. The little ones won't even be reading these for a very long time anyway, although I want to incorporate "younger version" concepts too. Goal to live up!

Hunter's been doing great at the middle school (so he says, but I'll take it at face value). The little ones both had an individual melt down the very last day of the first week of school. Nothing major and nothing related... but go figure same day huh? I've got appointments scheduled for them for next week... quick 1/2 hour sessions.

I still thank and bless every one of you out there reading, loving, praying, supporting, sharing etc.

Until next time.

-Katie

Oh my, it's old... but I do have a card to share.

2011-09-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

ShareaCard, Donna McE (2), Barbara Diane, Christi B

****************************

Dear friends,

I am continuing to feel better and stronger each day. I need to keep that strength up since I will continue on my chemo schedule and be in the infusion center this Thursday. Lucky for us, Kevin's Mom is continuing to stay with us until we get over this next hump.

My Mom had a wonderful friend that was willing to drive her up here (3+ hour drive) since she just had surgery not that long ago. We had a nice visit and it was good see her.

I had never in my wildest dreams thought I would be in such need of so many people at this early stage of the game called life but I am. One of the things I can say though is that I am ever so grateful that I have so many friends and family that are there for me to be needful of. (phew... I thought I had edited...geesh! if you missed it thank Goodness)

**********************************************************

Oh my.... I do have a card to share with you...imagine. It has been such a long time since I crafted anything (months) and this card was created months ago it seems like. Still need to get down to my space and do stuff.

images: Papertrey ink

As you know... I do a lot of thinking and some of it is appropriate and some of it isn't, but it's funny and sad to me at the same time. I promise I'll share these future musings and ask your opinions!

Thank you so much for visiting, sharing, and loving me here!

Until next time.

-Katie

Yes, another quick update

2011-09-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I wanted to follow up yesterday's post with another quick update. After consulting with the surgeon about the J tube (feeding tube surgically attached to the lower intestine) we decided that I wasn't ready for this procedure yet. We really got the impression from the surgeon that I wasn't at that nutritionally needy place yet and of course we didn't have to make decisions right away anyway. The doctors all called this a minor surgical procedure, but it would still mean a 3-5 day stint in the hospital just for the surgery with a 6-8 time period of recovery and lifting limitations. To me with no prior surgical experience anything seems major, plus fitting this type of surgery in between chemo treatments would be really tough and a delicate situation. The procedure only addresses nutrition and has nothing to do with any future nausea and pain that is caused by my chemo and/or cancer so imagine heaving while trying to heal, plus skipping treatments for that long would be really tough and allow the cancer to spread. Can you say caught between a rock and a hard place?

But for now, the good news is that I am feeling better and continue to feel better as time goes on. I am keeping a larger proportion of my food down and if all goes well I should be home very soon which all leads you to the question of what happened?

Well, I've been thinking and contemplating what really happened to send me to the hospital again. I try so hard to maintain at home and I don't like to have to visit the ER to get myself taken care of, but I think I've come to the realization now that I do what I have to do. It basically comes down to the point where I can't maintain myself anymore or feel like things are out of control.

Last time it was mostly about dehydration and it was a quick visit. This time it was like a double bonus round. I think in general, I tend to be dehydrated, I had been consistently nauseated, and I had consistently been in pain. Putting all those three together, I couldn't maintain any of those by myself and felt overwhelmed.

The other thing I've been thinking about is how all that makes me feel. Of course I believe its human nature to feel low when we are low and high when we are high... seems simple doesn't it? It's amazing how grim the future looked when I felt so poorly and yet how hopeful it seems when I feel better. I remind myself of a yo-yo going from one extreme to the other... I keep telling myself that I need to remember that so far things do get better and that sometimes it does take longer or even seems like it won't get better at all, but it will.

Thankfully, I have all of you to help me remember, but it is truly hard to feel it in the moment. One of my friends again reminded me of something we all know... the circle of life... the yin and the yang...

I'm grateful to be feeling better, grateful to be able to go home soon, grateful for my family and friends, sad to know that I will indeed go through this cycle again and again, and yet grateful to realize that I'm still here.

I also believe we will be looking into some details of hospice care that might help me transition from these swings of feeling so poorly to the times where I do and can maintain and feel better. Some home care might make things easier for us... I know nothing about hospice other than the care that is given to people at the end of their lives to make them comfortable. Apparently, hospice is more than that and we will be education ourselves a bit more very soon.

So, my short update turned into a short novel.... thanks for staying up with me.

Until next time.

-Katie

Quick Update

2011-08-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Yes it's time for an update and unfortunately it's not the most positive. I'm in the hospital again and have been here since Sunday. Main issue is nutrition. I won't be leaving until we get that under control and I have some means of getting nutrition on a regular basis.

I'm not able to keep food down again and have been having continual nausea and pain as well. We do have to make a decision though about the way I will be getting my nutrition and we are leaning towards a minor surgical procedure where a feeding tube is inserted and attached to the intestinal tract. It by-passes the stomach all together which makes sense for me because that is where my problem is. Unfortunately it won't do anything for any future pain or nausea, but hydration and nutrition will be taken care of. This is a semi-permanent solution that can be removed at a future date though.

To be honest I don't really relish the idea of a liquid diet on any day, but if it can help during these hard times then we will go with that route. We are having a consult with a local surgeon today when he gets the time to stop by my room.

Clearly, you can tell that I'm feeling much better than I was since I haven't had any computer communication since last chemo, but I just don't feel like we are out of the woods yet. I've been thinking long and hard about the future whatever time that means. Even if we get this nutrition thing under control, the chemo is still hard, hard, hard on me and things aren't necessarily looking that rosy. My tumor markers continue to rise every week or other week and changing chemo regimen doesnt' make sense with the knowledge that the doctors and we have about my cancer and it's progression. I am already receiving the best combination that is backed up with research and knowledge, changing it would be like putting your non starters up to play for your starters. To be honest, my case has have followed all the information that is out there about my type of cancer and it's progression. Of course I'll be waiting for the fat lady to sing but I also have to be prepared for whatever may happen in her absence.

Thanks as always for visiting!

Until next time.

-Katie

Thinking, thinking, thinking

2011-08-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna McEw (x3), Karla C, ShareaCard, Nancy E, Becky Jo, Niki E, Anna A, Donna C, Janice H,

Michele H, Bill R, Kate B, Marie H, Laura I, June K, Kelly B, Barbara Diane, Judy B

*************************************************

Dear friends,

I know you've heard me say this so often, but one of the hardest things to cope with in regards to this disease is the up and down cycle of good times and bad times. Both feel so extreme sometimes that it almost appears false. There are some days (and I know you can attest to this) where it literally feels like it couldn't possibly get worse and then right around the corner, I'll feel so much better. This up and down in itself is something that I've come to disdain and have much hatred for. Plus, sometimes I don't know if it's really me feeling ok or it it's the drugs that help me to feel ok. I won't complain too much as long as it's the "I'm feeling ok part".

What I can honestly say though is that today has been the very best day I've experienced within the last month. Minus the fact, that my painkiller is wearing off and I needed to take some more in order to finish this post. I know you ask why and so do I, but the crazy, make me so angry part of this is that I don't know why and to be honest I don't think anyone else does either. On top of that, I am lucky enough to head on back to the clinic for my next infusion tomorrow.

The last couple of months have seriously been rough both physically and mentally. I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has been mentally difficult for me being sick during my chemo break. During chemo I could focus my negative energy on the chemo and chalk up how ill I felt on the drugs itself. It was worth it knowing that the chemo is working and "helping" me. But, when the effects of chemo finally went away and I stayed being sick and began suffering from the stomach pain, I couldn't "blame" the chemo anymore. The only thing I could "blame" was myself or my body. The pains that I felt were there to remind me that things aren't so rosy after all, and mind you, you all know that my head has not been stuck in the sand. Knowing all this and "knowing" all this can be tough on one's psyche let me tell you.

We went to my oncologist appointment yesterday and to be honest (again)... the visit was rather bleh... I already told you that my last CT scan showed growth, but at this appointment he told us that the growth was back on my ovaries and enlarged lymph nodes in my stomach. I'm not in the same situation that I was in when this all started, but I'm not as good as I was a couple of months ago. There will be no 3 weekly treatments and we'll stick with every 2 weeks as before. It worked last time so hopefully it will do it's job again. On top of that my tumor marker numbers continue to rise... I don't get it, but I wish they would stop.

I'm going to share something with you that is true. I'm not going off the deep end or anything like that, but I will be honest and share what has been on my mind in the past, is on my mind at present, and will be on my mind in the future. I just can't help it and I'm sure at some point in your life you might have considered this, maybe just not in the same format.

I think about whether Kevin will find somebody special when I'm gone, whether it will take a long time or a short time. I know that it's something that is very likely to happen and wouldn't I be a terrible person to not want my husband to continue on and live a happy and long life. I know that he will be lonely and sad and I hate that I would be the cause of this.

I wonder if my children will find someone else to call Mommy. I think about the smiles they might share with that some one special, I wonder how much they will remember and how much will they forget. Don't forget that I am my own example of experience when it comes to memories and I don't remember one stitch about my biological mother or family. Of course my situation was different and my boys will have stories, relatives, friends, and pictures to look back upon... but I still wonder.

I know it may sound morbid, but it's true. I've also been thinking about my funeral... who would come, would it be sad or happy, how do I want it? Unfortunately, I do have to consider some of the things... it's just the way it has to be. Have I done anything about it? No, I have not. I don't think I'm that close to the end by any means but thoughts are thoughts and that is what I think about on occasion, ok, on more than one, two, or even three occasions. And don't think I'm still not hopeful, but it is what it is. That's a lot of time to think when one spends a majority of their time in bed.

So tomorrow is chemo day and we will all be hoping and praying that it does what it's supposed to do and kick this cancer's ass!!! I definitely want more kicking than last time.

Thanks for hanging with this 'ole morose kind of gal!! I'll be sleeping my weekend away and I hope yours is whatever you want it to be.

Until next time.

-Katie

Light at the end of the Tunnel

2011-08-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Isn't it always the case when it seems the bleakest things do look brighter and that is the case for me today. I had one last bought last night that was pretty rough, but after that things started feeling better. I was worried because I was starting to vomit on an empty stomach, but then I decided I would eat anyway. I'd rather throw up something than nothing... my logic.

Anyway, today is a better day and I will that the Lord, my friends, and all cosmic energy anywhere for it. I will also thank my lovely Dr for reassuring me and being a voice of reason that I needed to hear.

So today I thought I would share a picture of me real quick. I find it amazing how quickly my hair started to grow as well as my eyebrows. I LOVE the fact that my eyebrows are back, I HATE the fact that they will be gone AGAIN. I "think" I'd take my eyebrows over my hair. Now that I've had 2 breaks and each time my hair has come back so strongly, it is really also like a knife to the back knowing that it will all fall out again. The hurt doesn't change with the length of the hair follicles. I know this time will be not as traumatic as the first, but it will still be so bittersweet, knowing that the possibility is there to regain the old, but also being realistic and knowing that the likelihood isn't so rosy.

But, I want to end this on a happy note. I am feeling stronger and better!

Until next time.

-Katie

Hodge Podge

2011-08-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

It has been indeed a while since I posted so I thought I would try and update you on the comings and goings. This particular posting comes on the heels of one of the worst days I've had in a very, very long time. To be honest, things have been going ok - chemo went alright last Thursday and I experienced my normal nausea and discombobulation.

But then today came around and we went to blood work and things were as normal as normal is. Kevin went to work and one of my wonderful friends came and picked up the boys so they could have a nice time out at the beach. I just didn't feel up to taking them myself.

My stomach has still been causing me fairly strong and consistent pain. It is all the same symptoms that I felt last year when this whole thing started. I ended up throwing up again and as I sat there at the toilet, it was like the last 8 months just melted away and all the fear and unknown resurfaced. I couldn't remember how long it had taken for the chemo to work last time before the pain subsided and I could eat relatively normally again.

I'm in the same boat right now. I cannot keep solid foods down and liquids are taking up space too and aren't staying where they should either. The vomiting is different that the nausea vomiting... so hard to describe, but trust me there is a difference.

So, as I crawl back to bed and lay there crying I'm thinking of people I can call that would be able to let me unload. There is a long list trust me, but it just makes me angry that I just suck all the good energy that is out there. Normal people have jobs, chores, duties, responsibilities to take care of and yes, I know that every single one of them would do what they could to help me, but NO... you all have lives and responsibilities too!

The first person I called was Kevin and I hate calling him. I feel like I take from him all the time... he has a lot on his shoulders and I know they are broad, but I hate it. Well guess what, I couldn't get a hold of him, ironically he had just left for work anyway, but should have been there by then. You know how it is, you want to talk and everyone's phone is busy (lol).

The next place I called though was my infusion center. I dearly love the nurses there and I knew they could help me. I'm familiar with all of them well enough to be ok blubbering on the phone. Today's triage nurse was one that I felt very familiar with and I asked her a huge favor... if she could get a message to my oncologist to call me when he got a spare moment. Well, he was out for the day and the rest of the week, so I was kind of out of luck, but as you know, I have e-mail access so I told the nurse that I would just e-mail and if he was around I was sure he would call.

This was my email:

I’m having a real hard day today and if you aren’t busy with family stuff, could you possibly give me a very quick call. My number is 123-456-7890, I promise I won’t keep you long.

I just need you to tell me that I’ll be ok in a couple of months.

Thanks so much.

-Katie

Well, I didn't have to wait long, he called probably within 15 minutes... don't know if it was the e-mail or the nurse, but either way, I felt sooo much better after talking with him. He did confirm that the last CT scan indeed showed growth, but like I wrote earlier that wasn't unexpected or surprising. This CT scan will be the newest benchmark to base all new information upon. We shall see what the tumor markers tell us (today's blood work) when we meet with the Dr. next week. We are hoping that the pain symptoms and lack of food intake will start to get better within the next week. And yes, I should be around in a couple of months!

So that's that!!!!

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In the mean time, Hunter had a fabulous time at G&G Rhyneer's over in the very warm center of Illinois. It was his first solo trip and he did great, with only one lost PSP player... he did not get yelled at over it either!

We were all able to get passes to the gate which I thought was pretty cool. Easy Peasy. I must tell you that it was incredibly quiet without the oldest here. He is definitely the instigator in most of the interactions and even though it was quiet, we missed him and were glad that he arrived back home safe and sound.

Here is a picture of the boys. They honestly share all the time and get along nearly all the time, but aren't tied to each other's hips. They are good boys.

Many had mentioned it way back when, but I have finally made a decision to start writing to the boys in individual journals. I have decided to start on the first day of school for all of them. I want to include the quirky stuff, the funny stuff, memories and stuff, but I also think that I want to make sure that I set aside some time each week while they are at school and I can focus on what it is I want to say to each of them.

Ok, so that's it for now.

Thanks for visiting and all your love.

Update and supplements

2011-08-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Pam G, Joan B, Donna McE (3), Victoria N, Christi B, Barbara Diane, Jeanette Y

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Dear friends,

I thought I would update you on what is going on these days. As you know, I've been chemo free since the end of June and have been thankful for this break, but unfortunately I started to feel stomach pains soon after I finished up the chemo yuckiness. The stomach pains haven't subsided but I have been able to manage the pain with medication. As time has passed, my apetite as well as my urge to eat has gotten less and less. I'm still eating and everything is still processing as it should be, but I needed to curtail the amount I ate in order to make sure my stomach was taking it easy. I don't feel hungry and to be honest it's gotten harder and harder to "read" my body signs. I think it's called pain transference, but the ills in my stomach create a lot of back ache - go figure!!!

It's true, my body and I don't communicate very well anymore and I don't trust it to let me know what's going on. I relish the times that I do feel good, but have gotten used to it not feeling well most of the time. A cancer friend of mine and I have discussed this before and it's really a feeling of betrayal... why would one's own body not fight this disease that is growing and spreading? It's one of those unexplainable oddities that seem to occur quite frequently these days. I just found out that another crafty friend of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer; this makes me inexplicably sad to hear.

What does this stomach pain mean? I myself don't know, but it worries me of course. I have another CT scan scheduled for tomorrow morning and I've come to the realization that right before every scan I get anxious. I want to be hopeful, but there is always the underlying reality that the scan could show things going in a different direction. It's a 50/50 chance either way and this scan will be quite telling since I've been off of chemo this past month and a half.

I also wanted to share with you what became of my visit with the naturopath. This particular one that I visited is indeed a certified physician and is a board certified Naturopath Oncologist. I felt very comfortable with her and am hoping that her suggestions and prescriptions will help.

Now here is the problem and I need to call my prescription carrier to see if they will cover any of the supplements that I purchased. They are not cheap by any stretch of the imagination. We left the office with $96 with of remedies and there is one more waiting at my local pharmacy, a B6 compound that is going to be another $96. Can you say WOW. Up until this point I've never thought I had the need for any type of supplement other than a daily vitamin.

One thing I will share though is that she is a huge proponent of green tea. It's apparently practically magical and will help your health overall. I do not like plain green tea, but I do love the tea that is often served at sushi restaurants. It is a blend of green tea and brown rice. The flavor for me is much milder and more palatable. We found a couple of different brands in our local Asian Market. You can do a whole pot or just a cup's worth. The tea leaves will settle to the bottom and they don't impede the drinking process.

Ok, that's it for now. Thanks for visiting and have a wonderful Monday.

Until next time.

-Katie

A very nice weekend

2011-08-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Ours so far has been right nice if I must say so. It was wonderful having Kevin take Friday off and we were able to do a couple of fun things that day. As you know, the little ones are starting kindergarten in the fall and the parent association thought it would be a great idea to have a set time at the school where the parents and children could get to know each other before school started. Friday was the first of these get togethers and we were able to meet the two kindergarten teachers plus the new principal. The boys had lots of fun and were were able to make some connections with some of the other parents. Then we headed down to Seattle and the aquarium. The boys had a lot of fun there and loved the large touch tank the best.

Saturday morning Kevin and I headed out for a motorcycle ride, the farthest that I have traveled thus far. We took Chuckanut (the scenic route) and then Kevin routed us back a different way. It was great fun and I'm feeling more and more comfortable each and every time I get out and I didn't do anything to embarrass myself! I hate to admit, but I think I'm really close to needing a bike with more juice!

After our ride in the am, we did the unthinkable and rented a storage unit... ack! I never thought we'd ever get to that point, but we have. The one thing I can say in our defense is that the things we are putting in storage are useful things and things that we do use, but mostly seasonal or just not that often. It will clear out some space for us and that's what counts!

Thanks for visiting. I hope each and every one of you had a great weekend as well.

Until next time.

-Katie

Ick!

2011-08-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Happy Monday to you all. I hope everyone is having a productive day. I'm a bit down today because I don't feel good... my stomach is continuing to cause me pain. I tried scheduling an early chemo for this Thursday but when I called last week the infusion center didn't have any spots left, Thursday or Friday so I had to schedule it for the following week with a CT Scan scheduled for the day before. The pain is manageable, but I don't like taking pain meds during the day.

I'm hoping that the scan is at least the same as previous ones, which in my case would be a good sign. I'd love to move my chemo treatments to every 3 weeks, but I don't know if that will be a viable option or not. We shall see...

On top of that, I hadn't put two and two together, but I think the whole early menopause is starting to rear it's ugly head. Another "side" effect of the chemo drugs. I have a prescription for a low dose estrogen patch, but I need to get to the pharmacy first. I have a lot of "needs/wants" that I'd like to do. Staying busy keeps my mind off my discomfort, but these hot flashes suck! I know many of you know how it feels.

I have a dentist appointment today too for a cleaning and my teeth are another sore spot with me. The enamel has started to wear off (or I think that's why my teeth are so brown looking). I'm assuming that the enamel has eroded from all the vomiting, but it seems like it was ok and then over night they looked terrible. They are so ugly and every time I look in the mirror it bugs me to no end. EDITED TO ADD: yay, my brown teeth were just excessive staining, they are now back to normal with some extra polishing... so grateful!

I feel as though this cancer and subsequent chemo is robbing me of things that I never wanted to give up in the first place. I know that if someday I am ever done with chemo, things will come/grow back, but I also know that there are things that won't ever be the same with my body and that makes me sad and angry at the same time. I know it's pointless to say it's not fair, but that is how I feel today. It really sucks to be sick and it really sucks to have no end, no finish line, no pie in the sky as a friend put it. I have lots of reasons to fight and keep going, but it would be nice to have that end goal other than the END... make sense?

Ok... life must go on! There are things to be done so I shall do my best to get to them! Enjoy the day.

Until the next time.

-Katie

You're just my type of holiday spirit

2011-07-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I went in for blood work and I haven't heard from them which is good since they only call if there is a concern. I am continuing to have stomach pain which unfortunately is radiating to my back... fortunately it's all manageable. It's really a catch 22 right now. Do I do chemo to get rid of the stomach pain and suffer from the chemo or skip the chemo and deal with the pain? I opt to cope with the pain and skip the chemo as long as possible. The chemo side effects are much worse and my Dr. did say it's really atypical for most to suffer as much as I do. I guess if I'm going do something, I might as well go all out!!

Kevin and I have managed to ride the motorcycles the past several days which has been fun. We've been riding to and back from my appointments and it's been fun. I'm getting more and more comfortable with the bike.

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But, Kevin did push me to create some cards the other night... he's a good man.

(Stamps from Lawn Fawn)

(Stamps used from Justrite Stampers)

Thanks for visiting and have a great day!

Until next time.

-Katie

Little Angels

2011-07-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna McEwen (x3), Jessica K and Kylie K

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Dear friends,

Today's post is one of those thinking posts because once again, I've been thinking. But before I get into that, I want to express my great appreciation for a wonderful little girl who is going through her own medical battle. It kills me to hear news and see children that have to battle diseases whatever that may be... to me that is the ultimate "not fair" situation! Kylie was diagnosed with a children's disorder called Juvenile Dermatomyositis (JDM) and thankfully, Jessica has shared some of what she has gone through since the diagnosis... Kylie you are a brave little girl and a trooper!

I want to thank this special young lady who made me the card below. It was made using a stamp set that her Mom (There She Goes Stamps) designed and it honestly came at a perfect time and you'll understand why later on. It's called Angel Mail and is truly a great little set that is so uplifting.

Jessica sent me a lovely gift and card using this set as well as the stamp set itself and I created this card last night. Such a true statement.

So let met get to the reason why the timing was so perfect.

*********************************************************

As you know, I've had the month of July off from chemo and that has been wonderful, but today is my monthly appointment with my oncologist and we will of course talk about the "future" plans.

As I was reflecting on this past month, I've been rather disappointed with the way I have felt. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing worse than the chemo, but in my head I thought this month would be so "freeing" from those physical torments, but in reality it has been bumpy. Let's just say my expectation of what should have been was not met and I am disappointed.

I haven't consistetly felt good every day like I was hoping. I didn't suffer from nausea for the most part, but what I did have was a nagging pain in guess where? Yup, in the 'ole tummy.

Part of me was hoping that this chemo break would lead to time that was pain and discomfort free and don't get me wrong, it was a great break, but last night as I was contemplating this past month it really brought home the fact that yes, I'm sick and I'm still sick.

I know it seems silly. I know that the tumor is there and is fighting to stay comfortably lodged right where it is, but I was hoping not to feel it's presensce. The afternoon and evening pains that I have been feeling are very similar to what sent me to the Dr in the first place last winter. Clearly, I have evidence that my situation and my tumor are in much better shape than last year, but I guess I'm somehow disappointed that I can still feel "its" presence and realize that the cancer is fighting back. I know what the inevitable would be if I wasn't on treatment and that is sad and scary to me.

So, I'm back from the Dr's and yay, no scheduled chemo for most of August. I go in for routine blood work tomorrow and then I don't have to go in for anymore until the 18th. I have my next Dr.'s appointment scheduled around the 23rd and then more than likely I'll start back up soon after.

Of course everything is up for change if I start feeling worse for the wear or start having more consistent pain etc. I will have another CT scan done, but not until we get closer to chemo time.

My markers from last week's blood work were again elevated, but once again, that may not be evidence of cancer spread. At this point, we continue to wait and see how all the various components of scans and blood work keep telling us. It is disheartening though to see my marker graph... it's definitely a U shape.

We also talked about if there is a future where the surgery option might be added to the table. And as usual, it's an unknown. Things would have to improve greatly and all the medical evidence would need to show a significant decrease in growth for it to even be an option, so we'll just live life as it comes at us.

Well, I think that's it for now! All in all it's all positive!

Thanks for visiting and have a wonderful Wednesday!

Until next time.

-Katie

I passed my Motorcycle Endorsement Class

2011-07-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Woo hoo! I did it, just barely! I am now a proud individual who can ride her own motorcycle legally!

So the first thing I want to say is that this endorsement class was a whole lot of fun. My classmates were great and the instructors were wonderful. It is truly the best way to get your endorsement and if any of you are at all interested in learning how to ride a motorcycle, this type of class is perfect. There is a lot of practice going on all applying and using basic skills. If you are local, this company is called North Sound Safety - Washington Education and Training. It's quite affordable as well, if you sign up early enough you get a state subsidized price of just $125 and if you are a minor with a driver's license, the cost is only $50. The state wants educated riders on the roads.

So, back to my classmates. The class started with 19 people and then we were split into 2 groups. My group was then dwindled down to only 6 of us. Such a diverse age range too... we had 16 and 18 year old and the the "older" crowd. They were all awesome guys and very supportive!

And as you can see there were three instructors all very nice and great teachers.

Ride on folks!

Thanks for visiting and have a great Monday!!!

Until next time.

-Katie

This is just wrong...

2011-07-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Classroom portion of my motorcycle endorsement class is done and over. Tomorrow will be the practice on the motorcycles, but I don't have to be there until noon so yay to sleeping in (maybe).

So, today's post is really about something that keeps occurring down in my carft area which is in the basement. I went down the other day and found out that "things" had been visiting the area where I take pictures of my cards.

Here is my card pre-visit. Just something simple yet cute.

Here is my card post visit. Can you see the slimy trail???

Here is the piece of cardstock I was using as my background.

Ok, I don't know about you, but these all look like slug trails to me. Well, no sign of any slugs around and I didn't see trails on the floor... how the heck did it/they get on my counter. I hate slugs, but if you think it was something else, please share.

I hope you have a fabby Saturday!

Until next time.

-Katie

Have a Sweet day

2011-07-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Today I've got a card to share with you :) Happy Friday... enjoy the day.

(images are Papertery ink)

Thank you all for visiting.

Until next time.

-Katie

WARNING... photos of my Endoscopy! Don't look if you get easily grossed out.

2011-07-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs

Cardashare, June K, Karen H, Ted M, Marie H

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Hi friends,

Wow, where is this week going. It's already Thursday and the weekend will soon be upon us. So, I ended up taking the twins to the Doctor's office this morning and the only appointment they had was at the same time as their swimming lessons. But, it was a good thing I did take them because it turns out that Will has an ear infection, which I was pretty certain of since he came and woke me up last night complaining about ear pain. Nate has Will's cough, but no ear issues as of right now. Swimming will be ok for them tomorrow which is a good thing. These lessons aren't cheap! Unfortunately though, I have caught their cold and hopefully it will be mild.

Tomorrow is the first segment of my motorcycle endorsement weekend... I'm getting a little nervous... I DO NOT want to fail. This first segment is a class portion and then on Saturday it's 1/2 inside and 1/2 practice. Then Sunday is the written and riding test! Send me good balance, technique, and short term memory vibes :)

And finally, I have a medical photo to share. If you don't like these types of things... don't scroll down. If you recall, I had a bad spell a couple of weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. While I was there, I had an endoscope done and my GI Doctor took some lovely photos for me of my stomach and throat. Everything looked as expected, but I got a good photo of my tumor. I requested a copy of the photo from way back in December that initiated my original diagnosis, but I haven't received it yet and decided to go ahead and share this most recent one.

The 2nd picture on the right hand side is the photo of my actual stomach tumor (the whitish thing). The rest of the pictures are of my throat and stomach.

Thanks for visiting and have a great day.

Until next time.

-Katie

Tidbits and Wedding Cards

2011-07-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hi friends!

Wow... we made it to swimming lessons yesterday, but not without some angst! So we get there and realize that Hunter and I did not communicate very well and we had no towels or goggles. Then we get in there to pay and come to the realization that I had signed up for the 9:30am slot, but we were there at 11:00am - oops. Luckily, they are very nice there and the boys went ahead and did their lesson, but I still had to race (and I mean race) back home for towels. I didn't make it back on time, but was only a few minutes late, but when I got there the boys were all shivering. Thankfully, there happened to be a friend there that was chatting with the boys. When i first got there, I thought there was some strange lady probably asking the boys where their negligent mother was...

This next little anecdote is pretty funny and a reflection of our times. I purchased some work books for the boys at the teacher store here in town and Nate was working on his but wanted me to "delete" a couple of letters he had written down. I told him that it wasn't called "deleting", but "erasing". Well, he continues to interchange the word "delete" for "erase"... quite funny!

And finally, my last little story happened when we were driving south over the weekend. I don't know what the laws are elsewhere in the country, but here we have lots of casinos on Indian Reservations. They are dotted quite extensively along the freeway and are quite conspicuous. Anyway, there is one particular casino that runs quite a few commercials on tv, so as we are driving by one of them, Nate and Will pipe up, "is that Mukleshoot Casino?" Kevin and I looked at each other and said, "nice, do you think they watch too much tv?"

******************************

Now for the crafty stuff, here are the wedding cards that I've been working on.

(images from Papertrey ink)

(image Waltzingmouse Stamps and sentiment is Justrite Stamps)

Thanks for stopping by and have a great Tuesday!

Until next time.

-Katie

Baby cards

2011-07-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Happy Monday! Is there such a thing? We are off to two more weeks of swim lessons for the boys and I'll be taking them every day which I'm grateful for. Interestingly enough, Nate was the only that got the "white" card after the last swim session. He will be moving to level 3 while Will continues on at level 2. This is the very first time that they will be separated, but both boys did really well with it. Nate was excited to pass on to the next level and Will seemed quite satisfied that he would stay.

This fall when they start kindergarten, I opted to have them in the same class and that was really for our sanity. It will just make life easier for us and then we'll see how they do this first year and think about it for 1st grade. From what I've heard, if they happen to differ quite a bit in academics, it will separate classes for sure, but we'll just have to wait and see.

***********************************

So, I've been doing some card making and have a couple of cards to share with you today. I've been focusing on wedding and baby cards. I'll share the baby cards today and show you the wedding one's tomorrow.

(All images used are Papertrey ink)

Thanks for visiting and enjoy your Monday!

Until next time.

-Katie

Wedded Bliss

2011-07-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. I feel for all of you in the hot areas, it is raining here and a balmy 60 degrees - would prefer it to be a tad bit warmer though.

Things are continuing to go pretty well, although I can't help but face the reality that I have to go back eventually and continue with the chemo. I HATE that knowledge, but for now I'll push that back to the 'ole brain as best as I can.

I am not all symptom free though, my feet are bugging the crap out of me. We knew that tingling in the hands and feet were a side effect of one of the chemo drugs (Cisplatin), it was just a matter of time. For me it did take a while though. It started slowly, where the tingling was noticeable around chemo time and then it has progressed (about a month ago) where the tingling is 24/7 with it being the most annoying at the end of the day. That part makes sense of course. The tingling is strange... probably closer to the feeling you get when your feet fall asleep, but not exactly. They aren't numb and I still have sensitivity, but the tingling is annoying.

Thankfully, my hands don't feel nearly as bad as my feet, they just tend to get stiff. Unfortunately, we have read that the tingling can end up being a long term side effect and of course we won't have an answer to unless I come off this drug. And of course, if it gets really bad in my hands I will definitely consider other drug options with my Dr.

The other issue is just upset stomach stuff... not necessarily nausea... just "off". It's hard to describe and some of it may just be in the 'ole "head"... now I can add being mental to my list. Kevin insists that there is a lot that I don't remember with my short term memory. I guess I don't remember not remembering so I think I'm just fine (lol).

But I'll take all of the above considering that I'm not throwing up every day... so now...

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Here are a couple of wedding cards that I created for some friends whose daughter is getting married next month. I wanted to offer a couple of different styles for them to choose from, but I enjoyed creating them both.

I don't normally do insides except for a sentiment but these are extra special.

(Stamps use on both cards are Waltzingmouse Stamps)

Thanks for visiting and have a wonderful weekend.

Until next time.

-Katie

My new toy

2011-07-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Hi friends!

So finally, I have a picture to share with you. So, if you have read a past post you might remember that I mentioned that I was going to take a motorcycle endorsement weekend class, but since I had never ridden any type of motorcycle I told Kevin that I needed to practice on something before I took the class.

Well one of our friends had a brother that had an old dirt bike sitting in his garage, the most important thing being that it had a clutch. Our friends brought the bike up to us here and I did some practicing on that for a bit and then Kevin was browsing online and ran across a "real" motorcycle for sale.

So... right after my last chemo while I was comatose in bed, he gathered up the boys and drove over the mountains to the other side of the state and got me this.

So this bike is really a great starter bike. It is small and isn't really freeway worthy, but it will put put around town. I've been practicing on this around the neighborhood and yes, I think 25 mph is fast (lol). I did get on a "real" street tonight and did get it up to 35 mph.

I haven't crashed or dropped it yet so I'm doing good. The whole hand and feet coordination is coming along but I do feel like I need to practice every night. The class isn't this weekend, but next and I don't want to fail it... but I'll let you know the results once they are in.

If you had asked me last year if I would be doing this I would have said no... I guess you could say my outlook on life has changed a little bit.

Thanks for visiting.

Until next time.

-Katie

Happy Wednesday

2011-07-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I thought I would share some photos of what continues to make me happy these days. Being here in Washington, we've hardly had a summer yet and our plants are taking their time growing, but they are indeed growing.

Zucchini...

Cucumber...look how tiny they are. We won't get to eat these for a while...

And the strawberries...

My meager lot of green beans, but the kids love to just snack on them. Who knows if we'll get enough to actually cook for a meal (lol)

Will...

And my favorite roses... they smell sooo good too!

Hydrangeas.... my bush is always small but it's quite pretty this year.

Thanks for coming to visit!

Until next time.

-Katie

Clear Dollar Stamps new release stuff and more update

2011-07-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Shell, Barbara Diane, Donna C, Kate, Donna McE (4), Sue C, Bill R, Nancy E, Jeanette Y, Kelly B,

Donna V, Bobbi-Lynn, Patricia (cardashare), Jan Y (entire box of goodies), Peg C, Sandy D, Saskia, Theresa M, Sue C, Candy F, Joan B

Edited to add:
Slap me upside the head... just want to give a shout out to ALL my male craft/blogging friends too (lol). You are definitely a minority, but you guys make a huge impact and I know I speak for all the crafty "ladies"... We LOVE YA!!!

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Hi friends! I'm so behind with my shout outs... so sorry and I so hope I didn't miss anyone. I need to take photos as well and add them to the gallery. I'm behind in other things as well so you all will just have to be patient with me while I get things scanned and/or take some photos to share with you.

I've been feeling good. Standard kind of huffing and puffing as I traversed from upstairs to downstairs etc, but not bad at all. I took no medication today for nausea because I had none... I did have a headache and did end up taking some Tylenol though. Maybe tomorrow will be sorta medication free. I have to be honest and say that I really dislike taking any of my medication and especially the nausea stuff.

My card ladies took me to lunch today as well and I seriously love these women. They take such good care of me and treat me regularly. Marsha is coming to visit tomorrow and is bringing treats and picking up laundry... again, another lovely lady to love! I truly am blessed with all my friends and I really have to thank my lucky stars for such wonderful support near and far.

It's funny because I still get e-mails and cards from you ladies that say that you are strangers, but you aren't. I don't view any ONE of you as strangers at all... comments or no.

So, Kevin and I had a lovely weekend in Seattle. He and a buddy got to go on a factory demo ride on a Ducati motorcycle which he enjoyed very much. There were even "Ducati" girls to take pictures with and serve espresso... (lol)

Eden and I spent that time shopping around in downtown Seattle and got a quick visit with an old high school friend too! Not bad at all. It's kind of weird to think that I can be so ill feeling, spend Wednesday night in the hospital and then feel decent enough to travel down to Seattle by Friday (via motorcycle too).

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I also have some more cards to share with you super quick... These stamps and dies are now available at Clear Dollar Stamps.. super cute I tell you!

Enjoy your day and thanks so much for visiting.

Until next time.

-Katie

Clear Dollar Product Parade (plus tidbits)

2011-07-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Before I get to the crafty part of this post, I will share my physical update. I continue to feel much better after my overnight stay at the hospital. Water indeed does a body good, but only when it stays down. It was clear that I needed IV fluids versus just trying to hydrate myself. I also have a very nice glossy picture of my stomach tumor... I'll share I promise.

I met a wonderful young lady who was my hospital roomy for the evening and it was so nice to have to have a "fun" and "youthful" companion even though she was in post surgical pain.

I want to eventually fill you in on my acupuncture journey thus far, I've visited my acupuncturist 3 times now and will continue at this point.

I've made an appointment to visit with a naturopath who only deals with cancer patients and I'm looking forward to how that might help me along this journey.

I still have my motorcycle endorsement class to take (and pass) in just 2 weekends and I will eventually share a picture of a little surprise that Kevin "picked" up for me.

And finally, we are in Seattle right now enjoying a couple of days kid free. He and his friend are off test riding some motorcycles for fun and I'm just relaxing here in the hotel. I happy as a clam with my quiet and internet... what else does a girl need?

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And now, for my crafty post. As you know I'm a big fan of Clear Dollar Stamps and it's owner Lori McCroskey. She is a friend for life to me and she continues to send me new releases, but doesn't hold me accountable for them... she call's them my therapy which they are, BUT... I did make samples with them and they are finally available to purchase NOW. The rest of the team has been "parading" them for you, but I have been lax but want to share with you what I created with them as well. Head on over to take a look around because there are lots and lots of cute images for you, plus all sorts of fun dies and accessories to go along with them.

Here they are, the ovals coordinate with a new die set called Elegant Accent Dies. You know, dies are all the rage... LOVE them all!

This card uses the new die and an a previously released die and stamp set. You know new and old friends do get along.

I did a lot of combining of new stamps and dies so there is a lot to see!

Here are just a couple more for now and I'll share a few more tomorrow. Aren't these the cutest and festive images?

Okie Dokie... all done for now! Thank you all for visiting and go and enjoy the weekend!

Until next time.

-Katie

Very Quick Update

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I just wanted to update you and let you know all is well. I ended up yesterday being extremely dehydrated and went to the ER and ended up spending the night there. I am home now feeling 1 million times better and ready to take the rest of the month on with full gusto.

Thank you once again for showering me with you protection. I have some "fun" medical pictures to share and more details about the events of the last 24 hours soon to come!!!

Again, I am sending love back to you all!!

Until next time.

-Katie

Clawing not living

2011-07-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I just wanted to let you know that things are rough, I know the good will be around the corner, but knowing it doesn't help right now. I feel like I'm clawing my way through life right now and it's hard. It feels long and sharp, soft and tattered, sometimes it feels like things are ok and sometimes it feels hopeless. Right now, life isn't fun, the sun outside seems meaningless, it seems like the kids are raising themselves, the highs and lows of everything almost makes the journey not worth traveling. I'm tired, but know that I must go on and that seems in itself like a burden.

I'm sorry...I ask why...I cry...I will keep on...

Until next time.

-Katie

Let's Dance

2011-06-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've got another post for you today, but of course I had to make a card to celebrate. So, my Dr. said that he doesn't really know what is up with the elevated tumor markers and that we'll continue to monitor those as we go along. He said it was his job to worry about things if they continued to increase, but for me not too.

The key component in all of this is the scan of course and Friday's scan is essentially the same as the one 4 weeks ago. There is some slight growth in a lymph node in my stomach, but again, my Dr. said not to worry that it isn't a significant enough of a change to bother with.

So... that means July break from Chemo is still on. I will have my chemo this Thursday and then continue to go in every week for blood work, but hey at this point, blood work is no biggy at all! I'll take it and a bag chips!

To celebrate, I made this card. Isn't she a cutey? This is my first stamp set from My Cute Stamps and I got her over at i{heart}papers. Kate has been a great supporter of mine since the diagnosis as a person and not only that, she has some great stampy stuff at her online store, plus a great sale going on right now too boot!

PS... I know I don't write down the products I use, but if you want to know anything, just shoot me an e-mail.

(Stamps: My Cute Stamps)

Until next time.

-Katie

Love you

2011-06-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've got another card for you... just for fun! Will be heading to the Dr.'s in about an hour, wish me luck!

Oh and if I confused you with my Tuesday Trigger card, sorry about that. I was 2 weeks behind... I'll blame it on chemo brain! Yikes... seriously, I used to be a pretty smart gal!

(Papertrey ink anniversary set)

Until next time.

-Katie

Summer Swimming

2011-06-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Second post for today, (for you Donna C) what is going on you ask? Nothing, except there is a lot happening right now and I'm grateful for it. I want to extend my thanks to my wonderful neighbor who has been taking my kids to their swimming lessons along with her own.

It was very odd for me not to be there with the boys last week. Because of the way I felt as well as Dr. appointments etc, I wasn't able to go along until Friday and it really put me out of wack, but thankfully I have such support that the boys were still able to enjoy these lessons.

Here are some pictures from last Friday. Here are pictures of Nate (ahhh... and I forgot his goggles) but he went in anyway after the waililng though :)

Here are some pictures of Will, it was chilly Friday too (poor kids)

Here are a few of Hunter doing the diving board... now, Hunter has been going here since he was 5 and now he is 11. He is in the independent level, but do you notice the other kids in his class? He is so big compared to the others :) but he is still enjoying himself despite the age difference of the kids in the group.

Thanks for stopping by! And yes, I am feeling "normal" as "normal" is.

Until next time.

-Katie

Tuesday Trigger: Rainbow Bright at Moxie Fab World and a sketch challenge

2011-06-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've got another card post for you today :) I love Cath and her Moxie Fab World Blog. Even though I don't get to participate that often, I'm always over there when I can taking a gander at all the inspiration. But, I did get to play this time around for last Tuesday's Trigger and here is what I have for you.

I also combined another challenge for this card too. I followed sketch challenge #53 over at Waltzingmouse Stamps too.

And finally here is my card.

Stamp used: Fancy Phrases

Thanks for visiting!

Until next time.

-Katie

CIC Challenge #30

2011-06-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Joan B, Donna McE, Tameko, Joannie and the twins

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Dear friends,

Today I've got a card to share with you that I created for Clear Dollar Stamps challenge over at Clearly iStamp. Cassie has been doing a great job with the challenges and I wanted to participate with a card this time around. This challenge is a sketch challenge and you have plenty of time to participate... prizes are up for grabs!

I used a wonderful butterfly set called Bold Butterflies for the image and the sentiment came from a coordinating set called Beautiful Butterflies. I also used a cute little set called Bitty Botanicals to create the background piece behind the butterfly. The cool thing of course is that there are 3 dies that you can purchase that match up with these two stamp sets. These are really one of my favorite butterfly stamps that I have.

That's it for today... it's a good day for me!

Until next time.

-Katie

A Berry Sad Story

2011-06-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Karen H, Sharron G, Donna McE (6), Sharon D, Barbara Diane, Ted M, Amy T, Clare B, Laurie J, Kelly B,

Susie W

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Dear friends,

So here is today's story from yesterday that I found so funny and ironic at the same time. I even have pictures to share with you.

As you know, we have been oohing and aahing over our strawberries that were planted in early spring and in particular have been watching the very first one grow and ripen. Yesterday morning before swim lessons I quickly ran outside to take a picture of this first berry of ours, as it's been a continual question as to who(s) gets to eat it.

Delectable right? Let's progress on to evening and Hunter runs outside to take a gander at this berry and he comes tromping back inside and says that there is a bite out of our berry! So agape and aghast, we ALL rush out the door to look at our poor berry and sure enough there is a bite missing! We are pointing our fingers at the squirrel population in our neighborhood.

Well, I decide to pull it off anyway and bring it inside and figure if I wash it and cut off the bitten end that we could all still enjoy our first berry, right?

Such a sad ending to our story though. Kevin yells from the other room, "Don't eat it! We don't know what kind of animal ate it and we don't know what kind of diseases that animal could have had."

First berry not to be enjoyed at all and off to the compost it went!

Until next time.

-Katie

The Truth and a challenge that had to be done anyway

2011-06-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I won't lie to you. I woke up this morning to the little ones in bed with us which seems pretty common these days. There is nothing sweeter than a sleeping child's face and as parents we know this based on two facts... 1) they are just darn cute and 2) they are silent as a church mouse!

But then I started to cry. I turned over and snuggled up to Kevin and the tears silently fell to the bed. I immediately felt my throat start to clench and tighten because I didn't want to cry and then my nose started to have that stuffed up congestion feeling. You know, it really isn't fair because if you think crying is ugly (which I personally thought I have always been an ugly crier)... you know if you are a pretty one or an ugly one, don't lie... well, trust me crying is even uglier when you have no eyelashes to support those tears and no nose hairs to help your nose from running! Ahhh... the indignities of it all! Fist pump for me... I managed to contain it and second fist pump becuase there was no one to witness it... ooops... except now, of course since I just now shared it all!

I started this post right after this incident of course and now the day is almost to it's end and I am again amazed at the amount of things that have occurred today, some things funny, some things sad, some things icky, and some things bad... but really what it is, are all the big and little things that happen in the every day that defines what LIFE is all about, in all it's beauty and ugliness.

*********************

Now, part of life is my creativity and I have to share it because the deadline is coming up (and oops, I just realized I missed it - but that's ok) I have this need for pretty right now and that is what this card represents to me and as it turns out it is of the same style as the last card I created, but I just love these stamps from Waltzingmouse Stamps. Here is the sketch I followed that Clare Buswell created and click --->HERE<--- for the sketch challenge blog.

And here is my card.

Large Doily Stamp Set

PS... do you see my new flower frog? I couldn't help but follow this trend that I've seen by so many to use these... they do hold the cards quite well! Thank you MIL.

Until my next story... it's a cute one trust me.

-Katie

A Bump in the Road

2011-06-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Well, today I got some unexpected news at the Dr.'s. We went in with our normal expectations since this was a regularly scheduled appointment, but we ended up with some news that has us some what unsettled. My marker numbers have doubled since the last time they were taken and although the numbers aren't as high as they were way back in December, it is still not positive news. As to what's going on, it is still speculative, but we have decided to be pro-active. I am having another stomach/pelvis CT scan tomorrow and will follow up with the Dr. on Tuesday. Other than messing with our heads and emotions, we just don't know what the next step will be until it's here. This could totally be a fluke... we just don't know.

Edited to add: Tumor markers are what I'm talking about and trust me this gets confusing, but essentially, these numbers are gotten from blood work and represent a specific substance that is produced by tumor cells whether they be cancerous or benign. When marker numbers go up, it generally signifies that there is more activity going on whether it be new tumors or growth in tumors. I believe that I've been having the markers checked either every 2 or 4 weeks. We of course use last December numbers as a benchmark and up to this point in time, my numbers had decreased significantly and then had continued to slowly lower until now of course.

It's news that you don't want to hear either, but I know that you would want to know since my journey has become so entwined with many of you. I want to share with you as we travel along.

I'm hoping to feel a bit better and do some crafting later and would to share something pretty with you all. Let me tell you, I have tons of stuff to work with that hasn't seen ink yet and are feeling neglected.

Until next time,

-Katie

Can't sleep...

2011-06-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Let me start by saying that I had a wonderful day with some of the loveliest women I know. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to attend and this morning I didn't necessarily feel that great, but I wanted to go, I needed to go and so my trusty friend Becky drove us there and I rested at times, chatted at times, helped at times, even ate at times. By the end I felt good and that was good. I love my card ladies!

Rest of the afternoon went fine, and then of course dinner time came and I thought I could manage a meal. I did for a while, but I really wanted to get a little practice time with the dirt bike so I made the decision to expend the energy and do it, trust me I need it. I honestly don't know and can't tell until it's too late, how much is too much. Well, when I came in things went down hill from there.

I came into the bedroom to lie down and then that always brings a host of emotions out for me. It's a weird place to be always in bed and I always feel so isolated from the rest of the family. It's like they are living their lives and I'm just listening from afar. It's not like they are on some super adventure, they are usually out there doing the mundane, but it's the fact that I can hear their voices talking laughing, asking questions, just doing. Clearly, I don't want them all in here with me... oh I don't know... am I making sense? Either way what happens when I start "thinking"? Here I come blog... I actually long handed most of my thoughts first and then grabbed the laptop after.

So, I 'm laying here trying to sleep and what comes into my head except the label "side show bulimic". Immediately I think about all the people that I would offend by my off beat terminology especially when I know that bulimia is a serious illness, but since we know what the action that is necessarily for bulimia is already, I wonder about the long term effects. How long will it take? What are the long and longer results? I ask, but there aren't any real answers out there. Most importantly, I want to keep my teeth.

Then I think of all the Holocaust survivors, the POW survivors, the survivors of so many heinous human acts against other humans. It gets me that humans can do these types of things to each other, but how weird that what is happening to me is something that in a way my body is doing this to me.... why? But, the key word here are survivors. I observe, make note of, and try to truly understand what is going on with my body and I know that it's not the worst and that others have endured more, yet I still worry and wonder if MY body will recover and how things will manifest themselves in the future. I worry and am hopeful at the same time and these are such diverse emotions and they pull at me - sad, happy, hopeful, despondent, angered, deceived... all these emotions that can be felt at the same time seem like too much, a catalyst churning, but to what? I wish I knew all the answers and then maybe I could sleep. I bet we could all sleep if we knew the answers.

Ok, now, I'm off the chart out of it!

Until next time.

-Katie

My HATRED of Food

2011-06-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Ooooh, laaaa, laaaa!!! What a title huh? I'm telling you, at this point in the game, I'm not sure there is much love floating around for any type of food. Today is day 6 if you include last Thursday which was chemo day. I have yet to have a full meal let alone a dish or even a small meal. It just can't be done. If it's not the odor, it's the look, it's the taste, it's the texture, or it's just the simple fact that it won't stay down!

I know it will get better, but I hate waiting for it. As of right now, I am at least to the point that I can think of food and htink about what that first item is that I want to eat. I can dream about it...

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On the upside, I thought I would some share some photos from our yard. I brought the peonies inside since they are so heavy and I honestly like the plants with just the greenery.

We love our fuschias on the front porch.

My favorite rose. Kevin's mom sent us these when we first got married nearly 18 years ago.

The strawberries that Kevin's Mom planted way back in March... we are thrilled with the growth.

And the veggies that we planted a few weeks ago.

Until next time.

-Katie

All my love is yours

2011-06-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I'm a day late, but wanted to share the card I made for Kevin because he is truly the best father for my children. His role has expanded to depths we had no idea were to come our way and there isn't enough that I can say to share the love that we all have for this wonderful man in our lives and especially mine. I'm proud to know that my three boys has such a wonderful role model as they grow up.

I have wanted to use this heart from the Waltzingmouse Stamp set so I did. Even though it's for a masculine card, I think it worked out perfectly!

Until next time.

-Katie

It's chemo #12 Today

2011-06-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I'm writing (last) tonight because I'm in a "mood". Earlier, I was browsing old photos and I have a love/hate relationship while I'm looking at them. I love looking at my children and Kevin and on the one hand I enjoy seeing myself, but the hate part is that I miss the old "me". I miss those times past and I find looking at them so terribly bittersweet to the point that it almost hurts.

I know we've had this disucssin before in regards to looking forward, but I try very hard to stay in the "moment" or in the immediate future. Sometimes, all these moments seem to slip away. Each Wednesday evening before chemo I always get emotional because I know the short term end is coming my way. There is nothing I can do to stop it and I know that I will disappear for a little while and it makes me sad. I know I will come back, but what can I say... it still plays with the 'ole psyche.

So many people tell me to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time to add up. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked and without my hearing it. But thankfully life is made up of so many moments that add up to hours that add up to days that add up to months and years. I'm thankful that in the big picture there are so many other moments to seize and remember.

Ironically though, in the same breath that I say these days add up slowly, I utter in amazement at how quickly time does pass us by. Tomorrow is the last day of school and I know that the summer will pass by quickly especially with the blessing of my chemo free month of July. I can't wait, but soon enough the kids will be in school and as the little ones keep saying, I'll be lonely all by myself. More crazy yin/yang moments. I'm literally thrilled at the idea of full day kindergarten for the boys. I love the idea that they will have a regular schedule and that they will be productive. I have felt so much guilt with all their tv and computer time. Plus, I will have the opportunity to freely schedule my appointments and try and add other ways to cope with this illness without feeling the anxiety of finding care for them. But, ack... my babies going to kindergarten. I'm very glad that they are terribly, terribly excited to start though.

Time is indeed a crazy thing, I've already considered the fact that next month is the hump before I start counting down to my one year anniversary for my diagnosis. ONE year. Did you realize that the average statistic for those with my diagnosis is 11 months? What an odd number to have as a statistic, why not just even it up to ONE year? I find it interesting. Before you tell me to stop being melancholy, don't worry. Most of those statistics are based on a) late diagnosis, which I fall into, but b) is where I'm doing ok. I'm responding to treatment and many that don't make it just don't respond to treatment. Trust me I'll be around for you to read whatever comes into my head!

PS... I wanted to let those of you that have mentioned it and pushed me a bit (yes you Mom) that I had my first acupuncture session today. It went well and I liked my acupuncturist a lot. I will definitely let you know how my sessions progress and if it helps me find some relief from my extreme nausea. It did not hurt, but yes I did feel the needles when they were inserted, but it was extremely brief and once they were in - nothing.

And since we are on the topic of life, I have this very sweet baby card to share with you. I finally inked up a long neglected uninked set. I went with a girl theme this time around.

images from papertrey ink

I wish you all a happy day!

Until next time.

-Katie

Waltzingmouse Sketch Challenge #51

2011-06-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Barbara Diane, Donna McE (x2), Nancy E, Donna C, Peg C, Michele H, Lynn M

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Dear friends,

I hope today is treating you well. I feel pretty darn good which is good since it is the day before a chemo treatment. What can I say, I don't want to go, but life must go on! Tomorrow will be treatment #12. I did make an appointment with an acupuncturist for today. I'll let you know how it goes. I have one scheduled for Monday as well and I'm hoping that it helps with my nausea.

I also signed up for a motorcycle endorsement class that I will take at the end of July. I don't have any plans on getting a motorcycle (at this point), but I'm excited to try something different. I am practicing on a little dirt bike that has a clutch for right now. I didn't want to go into the class with absolutely NO experience. I haven't made it past riding back and forth in my alley though.

Now, for the crafty business... I always try to squeeze in a lot of crafting time before a treatment so today I have a challenge card to share with you. I am participating in the Waltzingmouse Sketch for this week. It is a great sketch and I had fun "playing". I love random stamping and creating my own background with stamps.

Stamps: Dainty Doilies, Say it Loud, Fancy Phrases (little heart image)

Thanks for visiting and have a wonderful day.

Until next time.

-Katie

Moxie Fab Challenge

2011-06-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Today, I've got a card to share with you that I created while being inspired by last Tuesday's Trigger over at Moxie Fab World. It was called Cosmopolitan Neapolitan. Here is the picture.

Isn't that yummy looking? My card isn't so cosmopolitan, but it was indeed inspired by the "treat" aspect and of course the colors. Here is my card. I also based it on this sketch from Mojo Monday. It was last week's sketch.

Image from Clear Dollar Stamps (Sweet Scoops)

Thanks for stopping by and have a fabulous Tuesday!!!

Until next time.

-Katie

I asked and you came

2011-06-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Barbara Diane, Kathy W, Jenn E, Donna C, Donna McE (x2), Amy P, Rosanna B, Bill R

I thought I'd share with you all that I have received over 650 cards from all of you. Can you say

A M A Z I N G

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Dear friends,

Thanks SOOO much for all your support the other day. I knew if I came a calling you would know just what to say. It is a crazy thing how one day can be so different from the next and yesterday was much better than Tuesday and today appears to be going well so far.

I know I've said this before, but seriously, the consistency is the inconsistency in all of this. Today, I'm just dealing with lower intestinal issues. This unfortunately is a consistent pattern that I do have to cope with. After not eating for days it's a bit difficult on one's system to start eating again.

I also had to make a quick visit to the dentist as well. It's not so much the chemo that is wreaking havoc on my teeth gums but rather the way I've been unconsciously grinding and clenching my teeth. I am apparently treating them as "fence posts" and trying to rearrange my teeth myself. This is manifesting itself in more space around my roots to allow decay as well as bleeding gums, specifically around the front of my top front teeth. Don't ask me why there, but that is where all the bleeding is occurring. It has been disconcerting because it has been happening when I vomit and I didn't realize where the blood was coming from until now... just add it to the list.

But... here are some pictures of what today brought... only smiles and warm thoughts. Here are some cookies that were brought to me by Marsha Drain (one of many angels I know). She also brought bread but I missed taking a picture of that... that is Nate's hand :)

This is the empty laundry basket because Marsha took my laundry with her. I can't thank her enough for her kindness as well as to all of you who offered if you were close by. I have now officially met Marsha in real life which is a wonderful thing. The first time I "met" Marsha was through crafting and blogging about 7+ months ago. Amazing huh?

And finally, look at this beauty. This beautiful orchid greeted Marsha and me as she was getting ready to leave. It is from a lovely woman who is the grandmother of a friend of my oldest son. I have never met her in person (yet), but I know she reads my blog when she can and I want to simply say "thank you" isn't enough appreciation.

And finally, what also makes me happy is this. I created this card while Kevin's Mom was here and I dedicate it to you all of course!

(Image from Papertrey ink)

It takes time for you to take time for me and you deserve all the goodness that comes your way.

Until next time.

-Katie

I feel like I'm being swallowed...

2011-06-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've come to you today needing some emotional help. It's a rough day physically and emotionally and I feel small and cowardly. The worst place for me to be is on the bathroom floor after throwing up everything and more. I hate sitting there. I feel like I am just draining the life out of everyone around me... I feel so guilty for those around me that have to be on this stupid journey with me. I hate it all and what I hate most of all is that the result are tears and weakness. To be honest, I haven't felt this emotionally down trodden in a long while... it seems ironic just saying a long while since it's only been 7 months since the diagnosis. I know there are so many others who have been fighting harder and longer than I.

But guess what, I do feel better now that I've gotten some of my emotions down. After sniveling for a good long bit, I grabbed my computer and it does indeed help, probably because I have to be rational and think about what I'm thinking about.

Nate came into the bedroom and I told him that I didn't like him seeing me sad and he said, "I don't mind." He doesn't mind hearing me wretch, he doesn't mind being grossed out by the bloody tissues, he doesn't mind seeing the vomit tub, he doesn't even mind when I yelled at him this morning. I minded, but he just loves. And my oldest who told me once again he didn't have any clean clothes (I know he does exaggerate just a tad), but I also know that the laundry is piled high and the only thing piled higher are the dishes. If I could spare my family and friends all of this I would; I wish I could.

Thank you for being here for me. It helps.

Until next time.

-Katie

Doctor's appointment and CT scan

2011-06-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday. I can't believe that it's June 1st already and that this year is nearly half over. I don't know if I already mentioned this before in a previous post, but while I was in the ER/hospital during Christmas, one of my Doctors told Kevin that I just might make 6 months. In hindsight, I was in pretty bad shape back then, so it is humbling to be here and kicking. Don't get mad at the Doctor though ... he is a good doctor and was probably only just trying to prepare Kevin in a just in case scenario.

This past chemo treatment has been a bit different than some of the previous ones. I didn't really have any vomiting issues this time around, but boy, I was nauseated at least once or twice a day for most of the 2 weeks. The consistency factor here seems to be the inconsistency of it all. I'm pretty much on or have available to me all the best nausea medicines so it's just a matter of what seems to work best for the majority of the time. I plan on doing some acupuncture, but I'm waiting until all the kids are in school this fall and it will make planning appointments so much easier.

It's a hard game to play, trying to give me the opportunity to "live" life with a resemblance of normalcy while treating me with chemo doses that do their job, but don't rob me of that "normalcy" factor. We looked over my weight issue and it turns out that I weigh the same as a year ago, but of course how that weight is distributed and consists of is totally different. Last year I could easily run 3 miles in 30 minutes, now I can barely manage 1 mile in 20 minutes. Trips to stores, spending time outside, activity in general sometimes lead to nausea spells in the evening. Fortunately it's not all the time, but I have yet to figure why certain activities do and why other activities don't.

Perfect example was the evening before yesterday and the middle of the night last night. I should be on the "good" side of chemo, but for whatever reason the nausea wanted to rear it's ugly head. Last night, I was nauseous enough that I woke up from sleeping to go heave.

I did get something figured out though. A little over a week ago, I had vomited some blood in the morning and my Doctors and I decided to let things be since there weren't any other symptoms occurring. We weren't feeling the endoscopy at this time. Fast forward to last night and I woke Kevin up (the things that he does for me) to analyze the contents of my stomach. Blood mystery solved though... my gums were bleeding; kind of gross, but it is really better than the alternative.

When the nausea hits, I get so frustrated and aggravated with my own body. I want to be active and it is a proven fact that activity is good for chronically ill people. There is of course a fine line between good activity and being over active, but I have yet to figure this out. All the same issues that bugged me pre-cancer continue to bug me now. One being the weight issue that plagues many of us. I would love to lose some weight, but doing this in my state is going to be much harder for me. Before, I would use exercise and activity as my main tool, but I just can't right now.

This whole dilemma just drives me crazy and I want to wail at my own body, but on the other hand, I don't want to feed my body too much negativity because I know that it would do more harm than good... it's just one of those things that makes me say grrrrr towards myself and life in general.

Finally I will end my post with the update from my CT scan. The CT scan shows no progression or growth of my tumors and the other stuff that shows up are things just to be aware of and to watch. All in all, this news is good and life goes on. I have 3 treatments this month and then I will get to take all of July off. Will be very interesting to see what happens with the hair growth with a break of two treatments this time around. My Doctor is such a comedian, he suggested that it just maybe time for a cut and style... NOT!

Here are some excerpts from my official medical report: (google time)

Chest: No lymphadenopathy within the chest or axilla. No suspicious pulmonary nodules.
Abdomen/Pelvis: Stable mild thickening of the antrum of the stomach noted.. Small amount of omental nodularity seen anterior to the stomach at midline... measuring 8mm in size stable from prior study. Additional omental nodule more inferiorly and slightly to the left of midline measures 1.5cm x 0.7 cm
There is fatty infiltration within the liver (nice huh... this is nothing new... of course I would have a "fatty" liver - this shows up in blood work as slightly elevated cholesterol. Nothing related to the cancer)
Uterus is retroverted and normal in size
Left ovary appears normal
Within the right ovary there is a small enhancing focus that measures 9 mm in size suspected to represent an involuting corpus luteum given its appearance and probably intraovarian location although metastatic disease not completely excluded. Close attention to this site recommend on follow-up examinations.
No new or enlarging lymph nodes within the abdomen or pelvis
Urinary bladder is unremarkable (love these terms... "unremarkable" - haha)

Thanks to all for visiting...

Until next time,

-Katie

Thinking about You

2011-05-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've got a card to share with you today. Just having some fun. This is a card that I created while Kevin's mom was here taking care of us, while Kevin was on his trip. It was a lot of fun sharing all my supplies and goodies with her and we were able to spend some time creating cards together.

(Images from Waltzingmouse Stamps)

Until next time.

-Katie

I'm hairy again

2011-05-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I hope everyone is enjoying the last of the holiday weekend. Today's topic of choice is H A I R. As most of you know, I was able to skip a chemo treatment back in April which was fabulous but one of the side effects was the regrowth of hair. Many of you had mentioned this odd fact early on in the game.

At the point of this first skipped treatment, I had finally lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. These were the two things that I was most disappointed about, although it did take nearly 6 months for it to happen. And then... after this one skipped treatment, things started to grow right back. I feel like a pin cushion with everything sprouting again. It is really a crazy thing... my eyebrows and eyelashes immediately started to grow back and of course I have a lovely new mustache (giggle - NOT).

I couldn't believe the growth on my head too... crazy amount of fuzz. Now unfortunately, everything is again falling out with the continued chemo *sad*. On the one hand it truly is fascinating, on the other hand, I wish none of it had started growing back.

It looks like I will get to skip the entire month of July so that makes me wonder what will happen with all the growth then.

**************

Here is my card for today. I purchased a set from Joann's, lots of new stuff at Joann's and Michaels. It looks like a lot of the manufacturers are creating sets in clear and cling styles these days.

This card is being sent to a dear friend of mine who of course loves to knit, but no she isn't really a knit wit :)

Until next time.

-Katie

Connections

2011-05-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I can check off blood work and the CT scan for today and of course we'll just wait for the results when they come in. So here is my story that I wanted to share with you.

The other night we were in JoAnn's and Nate had to go to the bathroom, of course. Funny thing is that he didn't have to pee, of course. Anyway, he's in there and the only thing he's missing is his reading material. I of course am relegated to waiting outside the door these days... privacy is such a bid deal now. As I'm waiting, I realize that there is another shopper waiting to use the bathroom as well, waiting, waiting, waiting. Anyway, she ended up asking me if I was undergoing chemo and we struck up a conversation. She was a very nice woman and it turns out that she is a 5 year survivor of a diagnosis of a late stage cancer.

Our interaction the other night got me to thinking because she is the first person that has actually asked me about my cancer. Clearly, I am the poster child for the cancer patient "look" and I guess it is or maybe it isn't that odd that no one has ever approached me about it.

And you know what, it was ok. This then leads me to wonder if other cancer survivors out there should be more interactive. This lovely woman was not in any way invasive, nosy, or curious. All she wanted me to know was that she is a survivor and that she wishes me the very best in my own situation. I know that there are cancer patients all over town, but I have yet run into one that is visibly going through treatment. Even though I don't hide myself, I continue to feel self conscious about my baldness and no, I'm not paranoid, but I swear I've gotten some looks here and there.

This then leads to an even bigger concept of connection. Do we connect with the people around us, especially those who have visible "issues"? Do we stay back because we fear that we are being nosy and that the other person would find us invasive or pushy. Why do we speak with some and not speak to others. Why eye contact is made with some and not others and if eye contact is made, do we continue with a how are you or a hello? It's true, silence is awkward.

Really just some food for thought for both you and me.

Until next time.

-Katie

I appreciate you!

2011-05-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Just a card to share with you that I created a while back. I have blood work today and a CT scan as well... I will share results as soon as I get them :) I also have a story to share that I will post later at some point. You know, one of those food for thought experiences for me.

(Stamp by Papertrey ink)

Until next time.

-Katie

A-OK

2011-05-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Nora I, Lynn M, Peg C, Joan B, Donna McE, Pam H, Elaine S, Karen H, Donna McE (x2), ShareaCard, Victoria

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Dear friends,

I have to start today's post by saying "thank you" again... and honestly I can't say it enough to all of YOU, but I want to extent even more thanks to those of you who send me such heartfelt stories of your own as well as advice to help me along my journey. I received a wonderful letter from a reader yesterday that helps me put into perspective what life is all about.

I really just want to pop on and say that I'm doing A-OK. Kevin has been on a motorcycle road trip with a buddy of his since last Thursday. My MIL came to take care of us and she has been doing an awesome job - of course! I pushed last week's chemo up to Wednesday and it honestly hasn't been too terrible. I won't complain anymore than normal.

I've got another CT scan scheduled in a couple of days and that of course is something that we will study and take into consideration as to how we view my immediate future plan of action.

I know this is short, but I just haven't really felt like "chatting", but I do know that you all worry and think of me and be assured that life is progressing along as normal as normal can be.

Thanks to ALL OF YOU so much. YOU really mean the world to me.

Until next time.

-Katie

LOVE YOU

2011-05-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I really had quite a productive weekend. I got lots of things organized, sorted, and cleaned. It felt really good to get it done and I of course have to give big kudos to my little sis for hanging with me and the kiddos this weekend.

Here is a card that I literally whipped up in a matter of minutes with scraps. It's just a little 3 x 5 card, but it really turned out cute... cuter in real life though.

(Stamp from Papertrey ink)

Thanks for coming to visit... I hope you all had a great weekend.

Until next time.

-Katie

Ordinary

2011-05-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Guess what? Today is a good day. I'm going to do some cleaning and L O T S of laundry with my sissy's help. She is up visiting while Kevin is taking a little break of his own this weekend. Not doing L O T S of laundry of course, but we'll let the guy slide!

Sounds so ordinary doesn't it? Love that don't we? Ha... I know what you are thinking, hey yippy, as long as it's you who is doing the laundry and not me.

But, in the normalcy of the situation, here is a quick card to share with you that I made before we left for Disneyland. So springy!

(image Papertrey ink- Flower Fusion 1)

I wish one and all a very normal weekend.

Until next time.

-Katie

Disneyland

2011-05-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna McE (x3), Cheryl K, Suzie M, Michele H, Jeanette Y,
Tiffany J, Kelly B

**********************

Dear friends,

As you know blogger has been down and I had a post (a thoughtful one) that poof disappeared, so I'll go ahead and post some Disneyland pictures. We had a great time and everything went really well. The first day at Disney was C R O W D E D... some of the big rides had hour waits and it didn't matter if you had legs or no legs :) We rented a motorized wheelchair for all 3 days and it was indeed a good thing.

Here are some pictures of the condo we stayed in. We purchased a bus pass for the 3 days to shuttle us back and forth and it was a great deal.

Haha.. we had the wrong side of the building and had a great view of the freeway. It really didn't matter since the "deck" was nominal and we wouldn't let the kids out on it anyway.

And Disneyland of course :)

My lovely scooter.

My sister Eden came along with us and it was wonderful to have that extra set of hands and compnay of course. We love Aunty!

Nemo Ride

Look at all these people.

Nate tired of waiting.

Here are all of us.

Plus my brother, sis-n-law, and new baby came to visit us at the condo too!

And extra bonus, we got to meet up with my very oldest and bestest friend from childhood as well!

Thanks for visiting! If you want to see more pics, click --->HERE<--- and it will take you to the picture gallery!

Until next time.

-Katie

Ribbon blog candy winners

2011-05-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

Timestamp: 2011-05-06 09:01:46 UTC

Congratulations to....

67 - Carmen said...

Glad that the chemo break is finally here! Sorry to hear that the side effects are bothering you. Is bad enough that you have to go through the chemo without having to deal with all the added pains!

Hope things improve soon!

___________________________________________________________

40 - Linda of The Stamper's Touch said...

Well hey there sweet thing!!! Love your card!!! Gorgeous tulips and papers!! I am thrilled to see you creating again and so happy you found our sketch challenge. Thanks for joining us at SSW Katie!!

_________________________________________________

2 - Cindy said...

Glad things are going good for you right now! Have a wonderful Easter!

________________________________________________________

33 - Arlana said...

Wow I love your sweet card. The Wapers are amazing with the image. Love your added detail. Your colora are just the sweetest. Have a happy Easter Arlan@SSW!!!

__________________________________________________________

Ladies, please e-mail me at mypaperhaven@gmail.com with your snail mail addys.

Remember, the e-mails I get first will get first dibs on which set of ribbon you would like. I'll let you know what your options are after I receive e-mails. If I don't hear from any of you that are drawn within the next few days, I'll draw another number. Thanks for playing everyone!!

-Katie

Tug of War

2011-05-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Susie W, Rosanna B, Karen H, Donna V, Mavis and John, Elaine S, Donna McE (x4), Melissa C, Lisa R,

Jenn E, Victoria N, Barbara Diane, Marie H, Christi B

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love all your notes and sweet words that you send to me day after day, week after week!!!!

***************************************

Dear friends,

We had a wonderful time at Disneyland and I promise to share some photos and expound more on our time there soon, but I've had some thoughts rattling around in my head that I want to get down first and of course it's directly related to my post title (Tug of War).

It was such a wonderful trip and it was so much fun to see the expression on the boys' faces, plus it was so wonderful to just get away from it all, but in the end, we had to come back to reality and to what it entails. As we were driving down, Kevin and I would discuss other places we would like to go and things we would like to do. The talking was spontaneous and was the way conversations are supposed to go... one thought leading to the next and so on and so forth. But then, in the middle of it, I would be sucked back to reality and realize that we can't plan the future like we used to in some general abstract way. This realization would make me sad, but once I realized the direction that these thoughts would take, I had to make a conscious decision to change the direction of these thoughts and focus on the positive. My mind continued this back and forth thought process throughout our vacation and if I really think about it, this has been going on all along. It was just extremely clear during my break.

While I've been contemplating this thinking process, the game of Tug of War came to mind and that is really what life is like for me. I keep tugging myself from one thought to the other. As soon as I get a bit morbid or sad, I feel like I have to tug in the opposite direction, meaning something that is on the other spectrum, something that is more positive and happier. But the reality of my situation will pull me in the opposite direction again and the game continues.

Yet, I can't seem to find a happy medium because I feel like there isn't one. For some reason, I always think of tug of war being played with a mud pit in the middle and whoever tugs the hardest brings the other side into the mud pit. I feel that no matter what, if I go to one extreme or the other, I'll end up in that mud pit.

And now of course after I've written this, I'm not positive if this is the greatest analogy, but I do feel like parts of the game do resemble my life as I know it right now. A seesaw would also make a great visual with no mud pit, but in order to make the seesaw work you have to have both sides continue with the up and down motion.

I tried to get my oncologist to give me some sort of end time for my chemo treatments, but of course he can't because there isn't one, so I will plug along and continue living to the best of my ability. What he did say though was that life is good and is worth living and that I shall continue to take breaks from chemo here and there around the things that I want to do.

There are two things that I want to do as of today. One of them being a trip to the United Kingdom and the other a trip to CHA (Craft and Hobby Association) in January. The key though is that I can really only focus on a few months at a time. Life has a way of being unpredictable (me being the prime example) and there is no way to guarantee what will be happening in 6 months, a year, two years, 5 years, etc. What I can focus on and can for the most guarantee is what is happening within the next couple/several months. It is an interesting way to view one's existence but as Kevin always says, it's better than the alternative, and he is a wise man which is why I love him so.

*************************************

Right before we left for our trip, I received this cute little sticker set... thank you (you know who you are:) Well, I had wanted to make a card with it before we left but I ran out of time, so I made it tonight since I probably won't doing much after Friday's chemo.

Jolee's sticker and paper is Close to my Heart. I think I'm correct in saying that this particular paper isn't available anymore. I purchased it last year just for our scheduled/rescheduled Disney trip.

I wish one and all a wonderful day and finally to all the mothers my own included... Happy Mother's Day

Until next time.

-Katie

We made it

2011-04-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

We made it and are settled in at the condo. The weather was beautiful for the trip down and it looks like it's going to be beautiful while we are here. Tomorrow is a freebie day for us and we'll do a little bit of grocery shopping and exploring. Then my little sis will be here tomorrow night and then we will all go to Disney on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

I must admit to you all that I'm pooped. I did just a tiny bit of driving yesterday so kudos to Kevin for doing all of it. He is absolutely the best and is used to carrying the burden of driving when we do long and short trips. The boys did really well overall too... they are keepers!

We looked online and Disney does rent motorized chairs and I'm thinking we might go that route considering how tired I am with just the traveling. To be honest, I hate feeling like this... better than usual, but not the old me. I don't know if I will ever feel like the old me. Kevin and I were talking the other day about the whole concept of feeling good/better. Even though I skipped my chemo and I do feel so much better, I still get upset stomach symptoms here and there and don't really know why, but then we realized that even without chemo symtoms, I am STILL SICK. I suppose I can't get that worked up considering that the crux of the situation is still the same and hasn't changed. It was just a funny thing to think about.

I guess my discomfort with the whole wheel chair thing is all about pride, my pride. It could also be the fact that I don't really want to think about myself as being weak or less than the way I was before the diagnosis. We'll see, but either way, I will do what is best for me and the family. We are so happy to be here and the boys are super excited. I can't wait to see their faces and witness their excitement once we get there.

Until next time...

-Katie

A Hoppy Celebration

2011-04-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Marie H, Barbara Diane, Victoria N, Karin M, Donna McE (x2), Christal D, Sue K, LouLou, Michelle A

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I've got some blog candy... click HERE if you'd like to throw your hat in the mix.

Dear friends,

Just wanted to let you know that the swelling for the most part has gone away. I honestly believe that the swelling was the result of crafting the days prior to the swelling. I craft standing and I actually been doing quite a bit for several days in a row. Normally, I would have been having a chemo treatment and laying in bed afterwards. We'll see how it goes at Disney, but I still have nearly a week before we are actually at Disneyland. I have to be honest and say that I don't want to be wheeled around in a wheel chair. You won't believe how many of my friends have suggested this... and I know you are reading this too and shaking your head at me.

So, I got some new stamping goodies and quickly made a card before Kevin and I went down to Seattle for the night. We had a nice quiet evening away from the chatter of the little ones.

This card uses some of my favorite patterned paper from Cosmo Cricket (pixie-liscious). It is just so appealing to me.

Stamps: Papertrey ink

Cardstock/Papers: Papertrey ink, Cosmo Cricket

Ink: Memento Tuxedo Black, CTMH, Copic Markers

Accessories/Tools: Dies, felt (PTI)

***********************************

Thanks for coming to visit and have a great day!

Until next time...

-Katie

An update, a card, and Blog Candy

2011-04-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Things are going pretty good and I'm again very happy to be able to skip a chemo treatment, but of course something has to occur right? Nothing overwhelming, but this afternoon I noticed quite a bit of swelling in my ankles and hands. My hands have been relatively stiff the last few days, but I attributed that to the extra stamping that I have done the past several days, but now who knows. The swelling reminds me of when I was pregnant... you know where you could touch your ankles and it would leave an indentation. I just hope it goes away soon. I haven't ever noticed swelling like this before. My Doctor said that one of the chemo drugs (Taxotere) is known for this type of side effect, but like I said, I haven't noticed it up until now. Just add it to my list I guess.

*************

As I mentioned above, I've been crafting it up the last several days. Most I can't show yet, but I did create a card for a challenge blog. Today's card uses a couple of new release stamps from Clear Dollar Stamps. I decided to follow a sketch and well, you know how it is... a link from a link to another link etc. landed me at Sweet Sketch Wednesday. This is my first time playing along with this Sketch Blog and we all know that a) it's fun to play and b) sketches are a wonderful way to wet those creative juices.

Card Recipe:

Stamps: Clear Dollar Stamps (Lovely Women, Tulip Wreath)

Cardstock/Papers: Close to my Heart

Ink: Memento (tuxedo black)

Copic Markers: BG18, BG72, YR20, YR21

Accents/Tools: Offray Crochet, Clear Dollar Stamps (worn parchment), CTMH adhesive pearls, Spellbinders(circles and oval nestabilities, lacey ovals)

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Plus, here is some blog candy up for grabs. I love ribbon, who doesn't right? One of my favorite ribbon companies is May Arts, so here is what is up for grabs:

I've got 4 groups of ribbon so I will randomly draw 4 people. Whoever contacts me first can choose from the 2 different groupings.

Group 1 (x2) Assortment of 1 yard each silk ribbon

Group 2 (x2) Assortment of 1 yard each variety ribbon

Rules are loose here... just leave me a comment and that is it! I'll ship anywhere so make sure you put your hat in. Now, I don't know when I'll do my random draw, but I will draw sooner than later!

Thanks for stopping by and have a wonderful day!

Until next time...

-Katie

Celebrate Today and Every Day

2011-04-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Wow... I've got just a card post today. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that I get a "free" day tomorrow! I know that you are just excited for me as I am for me.

So, yes, I've been crafting a bit more and I created a card for the latest Justrite blog challenge, but I just realized that I used a Papertrey ink sentiment. Either way, I love this card. The challenge was to create a flower embellishment and I used some seam binding that I just received. I colored it with some Tim Holtz distress ink and tried to crinkle it up a bit too.

Thanks for stopping by and have a happy day whatever you may be doing.

Until next time...

-Katie

It's Your Day

2011-04-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Sankey's, Deborah F, Donna McE (x2), Ted M, Cathy W, LouLou, Heather V, Carla S

I would like to let you all know that I read and take to heart each and every comment that you leave here for me. I would also like to thank all of you that read and e-mail your thoughts and suggestions rather than leave comments, and finally I'd like to thank all of you that just read. I do know who many of you are and I continue to be thankful, appreciative, and deeply grateful for your support in so many ways!

*******************************************

Dear friends,

For the most part I feel wonderfully "normal" today. Knowing that I don't have to go in for chemo this week is so bittersweet. I often get questions about how long I will continue treatment, which is why skipping this one is just that, bittersweet. My oncologist alluded to the fact that I will indeed be able to skip treatments here and there, but no, there is no end date in sight for me yet. The truth is I don't know and my doctor doesn't know. This is a topic that we just don't discuss because it's moot.

I have to say that not having that "pie in the sky" as one of my friends described is indeed a hard pill to swallow, but as we all know, at this point that is just the way it is and we try not to dwell on this too terribly often. As Kevin is so fond of saying, it is what it is.

On another note, I've started to lose most of my eyebrows and I was so hoping that somehow I would miss this boat, but it was not meant to be. My eyelashes are also dwindling... Kevin said it looks a bit Clockwork Orange. Plus nose hair is gone as well as my favorite - my mustache... I'll let that one stay gone! I guess it surprised me because it took so long for those areas to finally disappear.

But, the key today is that I do feel good and that is what counts in the moment and in the moments to come. I have been trying to make lots of cards and have indeed letting household chores slide a bit, but the family is all ok with this.

**********************

Here is a card that I created the other day. It uses some very cool new stamps from Waltzingmouse Stamps. I have to do a HUGE SHOUT OUT HERE FOR CLAIRE (her blog) the owner and illustrator. She is truly superb in her customer service as well as being an incredibly kind soul. I am honored to use her stamps as well as know her!!!

Thanks for visiting and I wish every single one of you a wonderful day!

Until next time...

-Katie

Chemo Brain

2011-04-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I hope you are having a lovely Sunday. I must say that it's cool, but absolutely gorgeous here and I am so thrilled to see the sun out. I am feeling better and better each day so far and am going to thoroughly enjoy the rest of the this month.

I thought I'd share something that is considered a side effect of chemo, but hasn't really been proven scientifically one way or the other, although there are books and lots of information about what is called "chemo brain". What this terminology refers to is really a lack of or effect to the short term memory function. A while back, I started to read a book about "chemo brain" and I opted not to. It was actually depressing and I honestly didn't want to read about it. But, the truth is, there is such a thing as chemo brain. I do often need reminding that I have done something, been told things, or just need prodding about things that have occurred recently. It's a joke, but then again not so much.

I've just gone along and dealt with the minor forgetfulness here and there, but just the other night there was a situation that really bothered me. Kevin and I got a chance to go out with some friends and as the conversation went along, Kevin mentioned last year's 4th of July. We had stayed at a very specific hotel and essentially Kevin had asked if I remembered.

The problem was that I did remember staying at that hotel, but I had to ask him why we were there last 4th of July. I literally could not remember any of the exterior information as to why we would be by ourselves during this holiday. It was like all I could see was our time at the hotel, like it was surrounded by a very narrow visual tunnel. It was very disconcerting and to be honest rather embarrassing for me to not be able to remember. It was only 9 months ago and as Kevin filled in details it all came back crystal clear, but at the beginning it was just a huge blank. Mind you, this was a great, although relatively short trip for us, with lots of fun details to make the trip memorable. I felt empty and sad that I couldn't remember on my own. Just something else to add to my negative list.

**************

And some crafty goodness... another card using the same set I have from Paper Smooches. Kim Hughes' images are just darn cute!

Thanks for stopping by and...

until next time.

-Katie

Better...

2011-04-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Theresa M, Cheryl K, June K, Julia A, Donna C, Kelly B, Karen H, Sandy W

************************************************

Dear friends,

Yay, I am feeling better today, much, much better. I know I've said it before but I guess I just don't want to believe it. Chemo effects are cumulative and in my case that is apparently the very truth. I know this, but the reality of knowing that it will be taking me 8 days to recuperate from treatment is a harsh reality. My two week incremental life sections seem to be getting smaller and smaller. What I need to do is work on figuring out how to get more of me back by one means or another and I'm sure that will be a process too and will take time as well, but I will get there.

As I mentioned yesterday or the day before, I really did feel awful. The only silver lining in any of it was that I did shed 6 pounds last week. I have the extra to shed, but I feel for those individuals who don't have the reserves for weight loss.

I love my oncologist and that is no lie. He fit me in yesterday and he suggested having another brain MRI done due to my added symptoms along with the extra nausea. I had that MRI done yesterday as well and he let us know the results last night and yes, I do have something in this head of mine and yes, it does look normal.

I was talking to Kevin about this new relationship that I have with a doctor figure. Up to this point, I rarely saw a doctor and half the time if I did it was whichever one was on call. Even when I did see my old doctor (since December I switched primary doctors), I really felt like he was just a stranger.

It's completely different with my oncologist. In a way, I feel like he has my life in his hands and it's an interesting feeling. I know he chose his profession and I can only assume that he has a great personal life, but you can't be in his profession without spending a lot of time thinking and caring for one's patients. He has been there every time I've asked a question or haven't felt well. I feel beholden to him and in all honesty I'll be seeing him until I'm in remission and beyond or dead...it's an interesting thought.

Anyway, just something to think about and another reminder that you MUST respect and even like your care providers.

***************************************************

So, I do have a card to share with you too. I haven't crafted for over a week, but I did create some things during my last good period. I really liked this set from PaperSmooches and created a birthday card for my stash.

Thank you all for all visiting and your words of support!

Until next time.

Katie

Grrrr.... just checking in

2011-04-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Sandy L, Donna McE, Barbara Diane, Emily S, Nancy E, Brian and Tammy, Lisa F,
Ann Marie R, Donna McE, Debbie W, Brenda R, Nancy G, Christi B, Cassie T, Lori McC, Lori L, MIL, Mom, Dad, Shell S, Tree, Peg C, Shannon and Aurelio, CardaShare, Forty Toes Photography, Santa Lucia Coffee Shop

Cards, birthday cards and untold support!

**********************************************************

Dear friends,

Its Wednesday and I'm a bit despondent... It's been another hard week, although I feel pretty good for the most part, but vomiting has become a big issue the last couple of days. I haven't been able to eat and most of what I eat of late has been coming back up with hatred! Its been physically taxing when it occurs because it's the kind that leaves you on the floor shaky, weak, tired, and teary. I'm sure there is something going on other than normal nausea and I've got a dialogue going on with my Doctor and we'll get it taken care of, but in the mean time, I'm just mad. Plus, I'm just physically weak. I hate being out of breath doing daily routine things and honestly not much of it. Washing a pan can literally put me over the edge... mind you, we have heavy pans! And who knew clothes could weigh so much.

This is supposed to be my month, I've paid my dues for just a little respite and I want it. It sounds so petty, but I'm going to say it because its the way I feel. It's just not fair!

Thanks for being around and letting me vent. I'm sure things are fine and we'll move on from this, but at the moment I'm seriously irked at life, my body, and the cosmic scheme of things.

Until next time.

-Katie

Happy 40th Birthday to ME!

2011-04-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Today isn't my birthday, but it did manage to slip by yesterday. Before I get going, I'd like to share a story with you.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who experienced so many things for the first time, but couldn't, can't, won't, etc remember any of it. She began her life much like any other baby, but we don't know exactly when, where, how much she weighed or how long she was. She doesn't remember her birth. She had a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th birthday, but she doesn't remember...

Then one day, she and her biological brother were dropped off at a market and were picked up by the police and transported to a local hospital and then off to an orphange... she doesn't remember.

Soon after, she and her younger brother were adopted by a beautiful couple from the United States. A plane ride was to be had on the biggest, loudest, wonder of a plane, but she doesn't remember. After the plane, there was a 2 hour ride home in a new car, with new people but she doens't remember.

The little girl and her younger brother now have a new home with so many new options and a future that has no boundaries... that date was April 9th, 1976. The next day this little girl turned 5, but she doesn't remember. That September, this little girl started Kindergarten, but she doesn't remember.

I did start remembering things eventually and life was good... you know normal just like everyone else. I celebrate this 40th birthday with an entire bag of mixed emotions. Normally, we would have teased one another about the big 40 and then laughed because its just a number. Yet on the other hand, I would have never imagined that I would have started my 40th year in the position that I am...

Even though yesterday slipped by while I was mostly sleeping and not feeling so great with the complete understanding that this 40th birthday was literally the worst one I've ever had, I still felt loved and encompassed by all of you who are fighting this battle with me.

I'm going to relish this month of April because there are going to be many good things happening and I'm hoping that this chemo break will give me lots of extra energy to continue on.

Here is a card that I created last week. Its the floral theme... can't wait for all the real flowers to really start blooming. I have to re-make the birthday card I made for myself because I forgot to take a picture of it and left it at the infusion center with the cookies that Lisa made for me.

And here are the cookies that Lisa made for me to celebrate my birthday with the nurses!

Thank you all for celebrating with me.

Until next time.

-Katie

Clear Dollar Stamps New Release and Product Parade Day 4

2011-04-10T02:47:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Welcome to day 4 of the PRODUCT PARADE. Remember all the sets that we've been showing you are available NOW... no more waiting! Head on over to Clear Dollar Stamps to check them all out! And don't forget to head on over to the rest of the DT members and leave them some love! The DT list is ----->

Today, we are sharing the sets Bunny Kids, Wedding Cake, and the sentiment
Thank You for Helping Me Bloom

Here are my samples using these sets.

Stamps: Bunny Kids
Cardstock/Papers: CDS billowing cloudsm cottonball white, watercolor paper
Inks: versacolor black, CTMH white daisy
Tombow Markers: 243, 526, 451, 703, 942, 912
Accents/Tools: ribbon, spellbinders blossom, circles, floral doily motifs

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Stamps: Thanks for helping me bloom, Bitty Botanicals
Cardstock/Papers: CDS midnight eclipse, cottonball white, Basic Grey curio
Ink: CTMH
Accents/Tools: Spellbinders Fleur de lis rectangle, ribbon

****************************************************

Stamps: Wedding Cake
Cardstock/Papers: CDS cottonball white, pretty porcelain, smoke stack
Ink: CTMH, versamark
Accents/Tools: SU border punch, silver embossing powder
Technique: heat embossing

You know the routine... thank you all for coming to visit and have a wonderful day!

-Katie

Clear Dollar Stamps New Release with Product Parade Day 3

2011-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Yup, day two has rolled around and its time for some samples from another couple of new released stamp sets. Remember, all sets are available for purchase RIGHT NOW! Head on over to Clear Dollar Stamps to check out ALL the releases! To get all the details of the new release schedule for stamp sets as well as what the PRODUCT PARADE is all about, just scroll down to yesterday's post!

And make sure that you check out all the DT members' during our new PRODUCT PARADE... links to the right!

Today's sets that are being paraded are A Godly Mother and A Godly Father.

Here are my samples.

Stamps: A Godly Mother, Aster Sept. flower of the month, Tabs and Tags Additions
Cardstock/Papers: CDS wild huckleberry, spring leaf, cottonball white, cosmo cricket mitten weather
Inks: memento tuxedo black, CDS wild huckleberry
Copic markers: V06, V12, V15, YG63, G94, Y17, YR23, BG10
Accents/ Tools: rhinesones, labels 18, CDS tabs and tags die, ribbon, copic airbrush

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Stamps: A Godly Father
Cardstock/Papers: CDS worn parchment, mossy woods, basic grey mitten weather
Ink: tim holtz tea dye, versafine black
Accents/Tools: martha stewart leaf punch, ribbon, sponge tool, spellbinders labels 18
Technique: sponging

Thanks again for visiting and I wish you a fabulous day! Come on back tomorrow for even more!

-Katie

Clear Dollar Stamps New Release with Product Parade Day 2

2011-04-08T02:32:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Welcome back! To get all the details about our new schedule for New Releases and the PRODUCT PARADE, check out this post ----> HERE <----

Today's featured stamp sets are Father's Day, For Our Men, and Wheely Great Dad

Here are my samples using the two sets and this fun sentiment.

Stamps: Father's Day
Cardstock/Papers: Cottonball white, Basic Grey Oliver
Ink: CTMH
Copics: R37, R39, T5, T7, T2, E37, 100
Accents/Tools: Spellbinders tag die, SVG cut

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Stamps: For Our Men, Heavy Metal
Cardstocks/Papers: CDS cottonball white, night eclipse, smoke stack, PTI designer paper
Inks: versamark, memento tuxedo black
Accents/Tools: brads, spellbinder die, silver embossing powder, heat gun, pop dots. tim holtz stapler

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Stamps: 1957 Chevy, You're a Wheely great dad
Cardstocks/Papers: CDS cottonball white, night eclipse, cosmo cricket wanted
Inks: black, tim holtz stormy sky
Copic Markers: R37, R39, R89, Y02, W7, W3, T2, C1, E33 0
Accents/Tools: ribbon, labels 21, grommet tags spellbinder

Thanks for visiting me once again! I hope you are having a fabulous weekend!

-Katie

Clear Dollar Stamps New Release with Product Parade

2011-04-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've scheduled crafty posts for today and the next few days. I've started creating again for Lori and Clear Dollar Stamps. Lori is going to be releasing her stamp sets quarterly and this is absolutely perfect for me! It is really a wonderful thing for you the customer as well. As a customer, it gets overwhelming sometimes with monthly releases. As you and I know, time flies and with these quarterly releases, it gives you the customer time to really enjoy those new images before the next new must have stamps come out!

The other fabulous news is that all the new releases are available for purchase RIGHT NOW. Yup, head on over and fill that shopping cart! But, you also have the option of waiting to check out all the Design Team ideas in what we are calling the PRODUCT PARADE! Now, you have the choice to purchase right away or wait to purchase... to have choices is the best part of the new way Clear Dollar Stamps is releasing its "tangible" stamp sets!

So without further ado, today the team is showing you what you can do with two of the available new releases called Tulip Wreath and Lovely Women. Here are the two sets in full.

Here is my sample using the set called Tulip Wreath. I chose the smaller tulip image and used it to create my background and then stamped it again as my focal point. Its very pink isn't it? Trust me, you don't see much pink around my house. There is also an SVG file that you can purchase that will make your cutting super easy.

Stamps: Tulip Wreath

Carstock/Papers: CDS cottonball white, bubblegum, tickled pink

Ink: CTMH

Copics: RV04, RV06, RV13, 0

Accents/Tools: oval punch, spellbinders labels 17, clear embossing powder

Technique: sewing, heat embossing

My next card uses a sentiment from the Lovely Women Set. I really like the way you can use these for all your female relatives! I chose to create a Mother's Day card.

Stamps: Lovely Women

Cardstocks/Papers: CDS cottonball white, cosmo cricket DeLovely

Inks: CDS lime juice

Copic Marker: YG00

Accents/Tools: spellbinders floral doily motif, recollections flowers sizzix leaf die, copic airbrush

Thank you so much for visiting... don't forget I've scheduled more posts for the next 3 days, so come on back for more ideas! Just head on over to the side bar for
the Clear Dollar Stamps design team members' blogs for even more inspiration.

-Katie

This and That

2011-04-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Jenn E, Shell S, Donna McE, Jeanette Y, Barbara Diane, Sherri T, Saskia, Carisa Z,

Julie H, Aunt Beth & Uncle Jim

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Dear friends,

Happy Tuesday! It is indeed a good day although it has been drizzly the last couple of days. Only solace is that the rain brings growth, we won't talk about flooding and rising rivers :(

My monthly visit to my oncologist was yesterday and he has such a calming presence about him and its soothing. I'm adding one more type of anti-nausea drug to try and we'll see if that helps or not. None of this is an exact science and I realize that and am so grateful for such an understanding, and caring doctor that is doing his very best for me.

I also managed to get me a visit to my GI Doctor. I really like him as well as his nurse. I've come to the realization during this time that you need to like/respect/be comfortable/etc. with your healthcare providers. Had a quick visit with him (yay for a cancellation) yesterday and today I had a quick procedure called a flexible sigmoidoscopy. It was just a quick 10 minute procedure, faculties intact, and it really wasn't so bad. Something else I can add to my bucket list I guess. Anyway, things are fine so don't worry. I'll let you google the details if you want (hehe).

A couple of things happened during my appointment at the Oncologist's that I found interesting. The first being that while we were waiting to square up some appointment details there was a woman that came to check in. It was apparent that she was on the recovery side of cancer and that she came for check up visits, but she was so insistent that she come to this particular location versus the location at the hospital. The Doctors work two sites at the moment. Anyway, her issue was parking and she liked the parking in this particular location better since it was easier. The other location parking was further and she ended up walking a bit.

BUT here is the key. At the other location, there is a special garage parking set aside specifically for cancer patients. Every time we have been there, there has been plenty of spaces. This particular woman didn't want to use that special parking because she felt that she didn't deserve it or felt that she was past needing it. On the one hand I understand her mental need to say that "I am better and I don't need it because I'm past that", but I really wanted to go over and say, "you do deserve that easy parking". Kevin and I were going to let her know that there is always plenty of spaces, but she didn't hear our attempt to get her attention and then the timing wasn't there. Just interesting and noteworthy....

The other tidbit was the gentleman we met in the waiting room. He was very friendly and wanted to discuss cancer. Turns out he had lung cancer, but he told me a tidbit that I would rather not have heard. He was going on about how he lost his teeth after his chemo/radiation treatments. Nice huh? He actually said that his teeth just fell out... Yikes... I don't really know how often this happens and if it really were the meds that made them fall out. I didn't ask to look into his mouth (lol). And this morning my teeth are still here... yippy!

The joys of sharing notes and meeting strangers in the waiting room...

And finally, I have another thing to add to my "happy" times... card making of course. Today is my Dad's birthday and here is the card I created for him.

Recipe

Stamps: SU!, PTI

Ink: CTMH, versamark

Cardstock/Papers: CTMH

Accents/Tools: Twill ribbon, twine, nesties, embossing powder, heat gun

Thanks for visiting and until next time...

-Katie

Past, Present, Future

2011-04-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

As you know, the last week has been hard on me both physically and emotionally. I had a complete mental breakdown the other day out in the garage, not very glamourous trust me, but it was good to get it out. I'm good right now, but it is true that I've been relatively morose these past days. I have felt that my view of life has been so skewed and jaded and that I don't see the same things the same way.

For example the tv... I know... I hear those same sighs in my head. One night was really bad... every commerical I watched I would think, oh that's not me right now, I can't do that right now, and the coup de gras (another sigh, I know)... I just kept watching and staring at all that glorious, shiny, bouncy hair. Don't laugh... I know its tv and things are "dramatized". Just another "moment"!

I know that any major event can change one's perspective but I also know that it's not healthy to fixate on anything too specific... good, bad, or the ugly. I have been perusing our family gallery of pictures and I have been looking at older pictures and thinking about the past and realizing that even now in the present, I view those past pictures so differently. Ahhhh, I love that word perspective.

So here is a picture that was taken quite while ago. I was thinner, younger, and healthier. I love this picture.

BUT... there are things right now that make me HAPPY. Here are a few photos of some of those things. This first one makes me happy for a couple of reasons. First of all, this bench was given to me by some dear friends and was made by their neighbor (thank you neighbor). Second of all, it is filled with soil and herbs planted by Kevin's mom while she was here visiting with us.

This picture is of strawberries that again were planted by Kevin's mom and will absolutely thrill the boys when fruit appears.

I guess I'm seeing a theme here... more flowers planted.

And finally, a gift from one of my old high school friends... so pretty. I guess I'm yearning for spring and summer, for new life, for sun, for growth, for the future....

Thank you to me dear, dear friends both near and far, met and not met, known and unknown...

Until next time.

Katie

Another day, another week, another month...

2011-03-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

Today's Shout Outs:

Donna V, Susan W, Cathy W, Barb B, Laura I, Marie, Ted M, Kathy McC, Robin C, Donna McE x3, Barbara Diane, Kelly S, Victoria N, Lisa R, Diane J, Janice H, Melissa L, Carol J,
Lynn McA, Christi B, Carol U, CardAShare

(again... you are all the most awesome individuals)

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Dear friends,

I know its been a bit and there have been good moments and bad moments since the last time I posted. I have to be honest and say that Chemo is getting harder and harder each and every time. I'd have to say that last week was super tough, especially the day of. It was only number 7 and it was pretty ugly towards the end. My nausea is getting worse and will definitely be the topic of discussion next week when I see my oncologist. This picture says it all... brutally honest and no need for descriptives.

As for the rest of me, I hate the fact that I can't control what is happening to my body. The discoloration that has been very visible on my thumbnails is spreading to the rest of my nails as well as my toe nails. Its just showy, I'm grateful that they aren't falling off or getting infected. The numbness that is associated with one of the chemo drugs is trying to assert itself. For the most part my hands are good, but I've noticed tingling in my feet this past week.

Another side effect (which seems weird) but the skin pigment on my hands is turning brownish in color too, just something else that I have no control over. (Don't mind the need for a manicure!)

What else you ask? Well, a lot of time is spent just feeling sort of there... lethargic, slow, and sort of numb. Kevin's Mom has been visiting us for the past 2 weeks and its been wonderful. Unfortunately, she had to leave today and we'll miss her immensely, but I know that her hubby is very much looking forward to her being back home with him. We are so grateful that he is so generous as to let her go! Thank you Grandpa!

I've made some calls and am still looking at some other options to help with the nausea, but its literally tiring to think about planning. I have lots of friends that are willing to help with the boys and such, but making sure they have someone to watch them or somewhere for them to be is just depressing. In order for me to get where I need/want to go with or without Kevin, it still means coordinating somewhere for the boys to be and yes, its tiring and yes, I get tired of asking for help, and yes, I get tired of being needy. With that said though, I can't express enough the help that we do get and the generosity of our friends and family.

Well, that's it for me, I'm seriously tired... can you hear me sigh? Thank you for bearing with me today and I promise I'll be more upbeat next time!

Until then...

-Katie